It’s all too fast, I’m overwhelmed

[KateSpade1234]

27 female here. Met a guy online, went out for a nice meal Friday dinner. He came up to my house briefly and we kissed. He was a gentleman and went home after.

didn’t met on Saturday but on the phone all day (6hours) talking about everything and anything.

met up Sunday evening for dinner and chilled. We fooled around a bit but he didn’t want to go any further. He wanted to make sure it’s done properly. I was in agreement. Talked all night too.

I drove him back home Monday (35 miles apart) and I worked from home at his house.l and went out for dinner again on Monday and I stayed over on Monday night. Fooled around a bit and kissed a lot but again nothing further than that. Agreed this is too soon to do that.

He had a hard life, terrible family situation and had some tough times but now doing well for himself. Stating his own busines. My life is more stable, goal oriented and good family. he said he’s grateful I’m letting him experience fine dinning, great banter, good humour and he feels very happy.

its been 4 days and he asked if we are considered going out over text. I said we are dating and going on dates and see where things go. I said this means we are free to date other people. He said he doesn’t wanna see other people and the vibe I got was he’s keen on us heading to exclusivity and gf/bf route.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom and was just swiping but wasn’t expecting to turn out to be so happy. He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny and didn’t wanna actually see anyone and meet up with anyone. But he said meeting me is so different and he’s not looking for short term anymore. He wants long term now.

im really overwhelmed. I like him but at the same time this is tooo soon. I feel pressured. And I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what I want now. I don’t want one night stands or FWB. But I wanna date and see. Don’t wanna say for definite whereas I can tell he is keen.

also, he is handsome and gyms a lot so physique wise he looks great! So I don’t know what my problem is… just feel overwhelmed all of a sudden after he messaged me this this morning.

I think this is too soon. I wanna pull back a bit now… what do you guys think?

Maybe I’m a total hussey, but personally it’s not too soon for sex but is definitely too soon for WFH at his house!

In the 4 days you’ve known him, you’ve barely been out of each other’s company. Sleepovers, whole days on the phone, WFH together. It’s a massive fast-track to intimacy and togetherness and I’m not surprised he’s a bit confused that you’re now saying it’s casual.

You are however entitled to want to refrain from exclusivity. If he’s pushing you further than you want, in any way, he needs binned off.

Read about love b*mbing and go follow lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram.

If you're already having doubts after literally a few days, he's not for you

To me it sounds like he hasn’t lived much 🤷‍♀️

That’s exactly what I meant in my previous post

This is too much. Absolutely trust your gut reaction 🙏

Right! Its an audition. Its not the commitment stage.

You stayed and worked from his. I haven't done that and been with my boyfriend 2 years. I think definitely slow down. I think you're keeping up so you need to be clear about your bounce.

Why on earth would an extremely common term for a specific type of restaurant put you off?

It's a bit Linda Snell.

Just read your update. Classic lovebombing.

He suggested boundaries and stressed how vulnerable he felt. Only meet in public? Did he also suggest a chaperone?

Wake up. Block don't give an in.

The fact he said he 'has girls on demand for when he's horny' really gives me the creeps so I'd run just based on that comment. Listen to your gut, you shouldn't feel pressured at all especially at such an early stage. He's showing red flags so believe them and run!

Girls 'on demand' I'd hate being told that, really off putting, I wouldn't trust him to be the faithful type, also it's pressure on you, which you don't want.

My gawd, 4 days in!!!! I’m in shock. Nobody asks for exclusivity in less thank a week!! He’s over shared so much with you, I hope you have not done the same OP. I’ve met some right arseholes that present as decent - it takes me months and months to trust anyone. The fact it’s so intense on his side IS NOT HEALTHY!!

You are making this much harder work than it needs to be imo.

He's said he really likes you, and (refreshingly, in this day and age) isn't going to want to see other people as well as seeing you.

You, on the other hand, seem to have taken this to mean that he's obsessing about the two of you being in a committed relationship already, and it is too much too soon. I don't think so.

Just calm down for a minute and look at it objectively. If you are seeing a bloke that you like, would you actually want him to be seeing other people as well?

Call me old-fashioned, but one at a time is where it's at, surely?

I would listen to MY instincts, does not matter what everyone else thinks. If you are not comfortable with any kind of commitment, tell him that and if he does not want to stick around, too bad.

I would guess he’s probably lying about this to make OP feel like she’s “won him over.”

This is how it was with my DH though. We met, went on a date, saw him again the next day and then a few days later and then pretty much every day since for the last 25 years!

You're an absolute fool if you go along with this.

I'm glad I'm not dating in this day and age! To me, if you're dating, then you're exclusive! If you're casual, to the point you're seeing others, then you're not dating or really in a relationship. It all sounds unnecessarily complicated to me, but then I'm old!! You can still date, be exclusive but not have the relationship run at 100 miles an hour!!! See each other a few days per week, and see how it all goes.

I never get the term ‘lovebombing ‘ - I’m aware it exists but I think it’s used far too often in dating.

A guy is allowed to show how much he likes someone he is dating. Some show affection, some words , some gifts and others will use a combination of any of these -

if I had fooled around or been intimate with a date past date 2, I would want to know that the other person wasn’t fooling around with anyone else, if we were to continue to date, both for my own physical and mental well being. So i don’t think that question was wrong for him to ask personally.

The quote about being horny and having other people to fool around with sounds a bit icky and immature, and I suspect it’s to either get a reaction from you or to assert his alpha dominance and make you want him more. Red flag? Possibly not but definitely a strong amber.

In my experience, anything that starts at 100mph often ends just a quickly, so I would definitely slow things down to just one or two dates a week. Also, it doesn’t always have to be ‘fine dining’ and it shouldn’t always be at one of your homes, you can do walks, cinema Or anything else in between.

Why?

i think it sounds quite sensible.

Block him before he turns up at your door on 17 December saying something terrible has happened with his landlord and he's got nowhere else to go, but will sleep in his car if you don't want him, it's just that it's sooooo cold (little cough) and he'd hoped for just a couple of nights feeling the warmth of your embrace (cough, cough).

Well, speaking solely from my own experience...

These types come on hard and fast, immediately pushing boundaries, taking over your life with 6 hours on the phone, trying to get commitment via exclusivity really soon etc etc

It goes one of two ways (if she doesn't run for her life). The woman goes along with it, and he pushes the boundaries further, eventually turning into coercive control. Making demands on what she wears, where she goes, who she sees.

Or she pushes back and wants to slow down. He's like 'shit, she's onto me, I better back off.'

But if he is the controlling type and not just some desperate soul who's never had a girlfriend so got carried away, he still can't help being controlling.

So what does he do? He sets the 'ground rules'. Already he's putting 'rules' for her to live by, how the relationship will go, how often they see each other, and on one level OP thinks this is great, I stood up for myself, but actually he's the one dictating the rules. He might throw her a bone here and there and allow a suggestion or two from her, but the subconscious result for OP is now she has to be careful not to 'break' these rules. So actually OP could end up worse off. Instead of gradually having her boundaries eroded and conforming to these unspoken rules one by one, like the boiled frog that doesn't realise he's boiling, she willingly agreed to a bunch of rules upfront.

I'd bet any money those goalposts will get moved in no time - for him, but not for OP. Most likely one is he's got his 'on demand' women and is still dating, but keeps quiet about that, yet stalks you on the apps and grills you about who else you're seeing/why you're busy on a day he wants to go out.

Been there, done that, no thanks

Only meeting in public, like some chaste Victorians, is quite the change from sleepovers and WFH meet-ups.

You do you, but to me the intensity isn’t in whether you might be tempted to flash an ankle, it’s in the fast-tracking to spending so much time together.

There’s a risk that you both assign so much weight to sex, that by the time it happens you feel like you’re in too deep to end it at that point.

There's an awful lot of analysing going on and not only from you OP.
Why can't you just go out with him, enjoy dates and take what he says with a pinch of salt.
He's not going to march you forcibly down the aisle, you control when and how often the dates are, he'll accept it or he won't.
Unless you want to stay home alone that is.