It’s all too fast, I’m overwhelmed

[KateSpade1234]

27 female here. Met a guy online, went out for a nice meal Friday dinner. He came up to my house briefly and we kissed. He was a gentleman and went home after.

didn’t met on Saturday but on the phone all day (6hours) talking about everything and anything.

met up Sunday evening for dinner and chilled. We fooled around a bit but he didn’t want to go any further. He wanted to make sure it’s done properly. I was in agreement. Talked all night too.

I drove him back home Monday (35 miles apart) and I worked from home at his house.l and went out for dinner again on Monday and I stayed over on Monday night. Fooled around a bit and kissed a lot but again nothing further than that. Agreed this is too soon to do that.

He had a hard life, terrible family situation and had some tough times but now doing well for himself. Stating his own busines. My life is more stable, goal oriented and good family. he said he’s grateful I’m letting him experience fine dinning, great banter, good humour and he feels very happy.

its been 4 days and he asked if we are considered going out over text. I said we are dating and going on dates and see where things go. I said this means we are free to date other people. He said he doesn’t wanna see other people and the vibe I got was he’s keen on us heading to exclusivity and gf/bf route.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom and was just swiping but wasn’t expecting to turn out to be so happy. He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny and didn’t wanna actually see anyone and meet up with anyone. But he said meeting me is so different and he’s not looking for short term anymore. He wants long term now.

im really overwhelmed. I like him but at the same time this is tooo soon. I feel pressured. And I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what I want now. I don’t want one night stands or FWB. But I wanna date and see. Don’t wanna say for definite whereas I can tell he is keen.

also, he is handsome and gyms a lot so physique wise he looks great! So I don’t know what my problem is… just feel overwhelmed all of a sudden after he messaged me this this morning.

I think this is too soon. I wanna pull back a bit now… what do you guys think?

You sounds confused, vulnerable and naive. Don’t go home with total strangers, or take them to your house, and if you don’t want a brand-new relationship to go crazy fast, stick to dating, not seeing someone twice in a singl! e weekend, spending six hours on the phone on the intervening day, staying over and then working from his house.

Bluntly, what’s in this for you? He doesn’t sound as if he has much to offer, other than an obsessive desire to be exclusive with someone he just met.

ok.. some mixed messages here. Some say exclusivity ok at this stage and some say run for the hills. I’m so confused now.

@KateSpade1234 - Exclusivity is fine at any stage. Me and DP practically moved in together after our first date! But we were both on exactly the same page and most importantly, were (and are) madly in love with each other.

I don't think you really like this bloke. More like you feel like you should like him and want a relationship with him. You are allowed to not want something you know!

I met my dh on what was then OLD—34 years ago. I dated 12 men simultaneously to figure out who was right for me. Didn’t fool around with any of them until I had winnowed down to dh (process of a few months). He knew I was seeing them all. We were then exclusive. Dated for five years, married for 29.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom and was just swiping but wasn’t expecting to turn out to be so happy. He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny and didn’t wanna actually see anyone and meet up with anyone.

Anyone who continues dating someone who's told them this has poor boundaries.

From everything you've described it's blatantly obvious that he's manipulating you for the power high.

I mean it sounds like you ran head first in with your eyes wide open the last four days and only now he's asked about what's happening you're backing off. You sound a bit of a head fuck.

The fine dining comment was strange tho is this just because you chose where to eat?

It’s a weird one, I think yes all too much too soon from letting him come back to yours with barely knowing him (but I have done that in my youth too tbf) and working at his, and the long 6 hour conversations. But then considering you have been intimate (despite not actually having sex ) I can understand why he wants exclusivity. The minute I start doing anything with a man beyond a kiss I’d expect that too.

That said, I’m not really buying it with this guy! I feel he is trying to love bomb and tie you down with over-sharing about his childhood and now saying he wants exclusivity. I’m not convinced he actually wants to be monogamous to you.

All this I have girls on demand chat and saying he usually doesn’t want to meet girls but it’s different for you blah blah - is often what men who are trying to pretend they’ve changed and made a special exception for you. They really just want you to feel grateful and trust them quicker.

Yeh agree. Fine dining? I think that phrase would’ve put me off to be honest whoever was paying

@KateSpade1234 he is love bombing to "win you" either because he is genuinely smitten, or because he wants to control you. You need to decide which, and how you feel about that.

@KateSpade1234

This and what @Beastiesandthebeauty said are what you need to keep in mind
This man is no good, he has tested you and your boundaries out, you don't have strong ones at all seeing him so much so quickly and going back to his so soon.
He is pushing how far he can manipulate you and men only do that for their own gain.

I would drop him like a hot rock and block him, listen to your gut, he has made you feel pressured and overwhelmed and he knows that ( he admits it's too soon ) shut this game down and have a think about what kind of man you ideally want and the behaviour that man exhibits for a healthy relationship.

This is not it.

To me, agreeing to exclusivity is less of a 'commitment' than 6 hour phone calls, spending a weekend with him etc.

So he keeps a list of women specifically for fucking but is telling you you're special rather than one of those women while pushing you to get involved further and faster than you're comfortable with... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Listen to your gut, he sounds creepy af.

The key is to take a step back and work out what YOU want. It's OK to feel like it's too soon to make any commitment - of course it is, it hasn't even been a week. And that's not mutually exclusive with how much you enjoyed those four days.

We're all familiar with the sudden whirlwind that follows a really good date - you can get really caught up with how much you're enjoying the ride, it's super intense because you're suddenly always together. That bit is fun. It doesn't mean you should be pressured into deciding anything.

The "exclusivity chat" is a complication because it's way sooner than you'd expect to have it. I don't think he's done anything wrong, he's admitted he's moving faster than he thought he would and while it might have been crass to refer to the Snapchat girls, he's telling you he doesn't want to have his usual hookups because he's into you.

Here's something important: if you agree to exclusivity, even after four days, that isn't actually the full-on commitment it appears to be. You can be exclusive, start dating, and if it doesn't live up to the first four days you can still end it next week if you want. Exclusivity is not a wedding vow. It's just not hooking up with other people and concentrating each other - for now.

And it's also OK to tell him directly that this is too fast and you're feeling overwhelmed. That doesn't negate how much you enjoyed his company. And his response to it will be very telling.

Why on earth would an extremely common term for a specific type of restaurant put you off?

he’s lovebombing you because he is deeply insecure (if not more sinister)
he wants exclusivity because he wouldn’t stand “competition”, he is not strong enough emotionally
he wants a woman he can call “his”, not necessarily you
he is rushing you into it because he has no patience or resilience

it’s not love, this man is desperate to fill some internal void, life doesn’t work this way.

RUN before he decides you’re the one and gets fixated on you for real.

PS. the most bulked up, gym going men I ever dated were actually very insecure

Do you know how many bodybuilders it takes to change a lightbulb?
5, 1 to chante the bulb, 4 to tell him “great biceps flex, bro!”

This is absolutely love bombing.

Seriously you need to run.
It felt just like an experience I had that turned out very bad after less than 2 months.

A relationship can be built over a period of time, not pressured or forced over 4 days.

Please please step back. His reaction will be telling

DH had a pair of slippers and a toothbrush at my house after a couple of weeks and we saw each other nearly every day. The difference being neither of us felt overwhelmed or put under pressure. We actually both went into it not looking for anything in particular and ended up falling in love quite quickly. It just felt right for us. We'd also known each other from school, although hadn't seen each other in around 15 years, so he wasn't a complete stranger to me.

You obviously don't feel the same or you wouldn't be having reservations. It's fine for him to not want to see other people but he can't dictate that you do the same. Just tell him it's still early days so you don't want to state that you're exclusive just yet but that you're interested to see where things go. If that's how you feel. Just because honest and if he can't handle that then he's obviously not for you.

It's up to you what you want to do. He has put his cards on the table. You have told him you're not ready. The end.

I suppose it would depend to an extent what type of restaurant he was referring to? If someone was used to Burger King and thought Nando’s was ‘fine dining’ because they give you cutlery, I can see why that would be off putting. I’m assuming the OP and this guy didn’t go to Le Manoir aux Quatre Saisons on their second date. I wouldn’t be interested in someone who thought somewhere with knives and forks was upmarket and had never been to that kind of restaurant before.

I definitely advise you to step back from this one.

After a week you'll realise how much less stressed you feel.

It's all too much, too soon.

Telling you about his awful childhood is a ploy.

I'd be very wary of a man who said he was going to start his own business.

And trying to pressure you into exclusivity is unfair at this very early stage.

Step back.

Three evenings of "Fine dining" in one weekend. You must both earn well as that's a few hundred pounds.

Letting an internet date know where you live on the first date is risky. Spending all day at his house on Monday? Hours and hours talking.

That's a few weeks normal dating condensed into a weekend. No wonder he thinks you are a couple.

He's lovebombing

Step back

Tbh I thought the fine dining comment was a reference to how this man equates and differentiates the women he has on tap for sex and the op...

It's just a little bit 'Swiss Tony' I guess?

Just tell him how you're feeling. Your gut instinct is there for a reason. Tell him you want to take things slowly and ask him to back off.

A good man will listen to you.