It’s all too fast, I’m overwhelmed

[KateSpade1234]

27 female here. Met a guy online, went out for a nice meal Friday dinner. He came up to my house briefly and we kissed. He was a gentleman and went home after.

didn’t met on Saturday but on the phone all day (6hours) talking about everything and anything.

met up Sunday evening for dinner and chilled. We fooled around a bit but he didn’t want to go any further. He wanted to make sure it’s done properly. I was in agreement. Talked all night too.

I drove him back home Monday (35 miles apart) and I worked from home at his house.l and went out for dinner again on Monday and I stayed over on Monday night. Fooled around a bit and kissed a lot but again nothing further than that. Agreed this is too soon to do that.

He had a hard life, terrible family situation and had some tough times but now doing well for himself. Stating his own busines. My life is more stable, goal oriented and good family. he said he’s grateful I’m letting him experience fine dinning, great banter, good humour and he feels very happy.

its been 4 days and he asked if we are considered going out over text. I said we are dating and going on dates and see where things go. I said this means we are free to date other people. He said he doesn’t wanna see other people and the vibe I got was he’s keen on us heading to exclusivity and gf/bf route.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom and was just swiping but wasn’t expecting to turn out to be so happy. He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny and didn’t wanna actually see anyone and meet up with anyone. But he said meeting me is so different and he’s not looking for short term anymore. He wants long term now.

im really overwhelmed. I like him but at the same time this is tooo soon. I feel pressured. And I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know what I want now. I don’t want one night stands or FWB. But I wanna date and see. Don’t wanna say for definite whereas I can tell he is keen.

also, he is handsome and gyms a lot so physique wise he looks great! So I don’t know what my problem is… just feel overwhelmed all of a sudden after he messaged me this this morning.

I think this is too soon. I wanna pull back a bit now… what do you guys think?

Red flags all over the place. Getting you to drive hi. 35 miles being on the phone all the time finding you extra special after only a couple of dates. Love bombing.
Id run a mile.
Most toxic men Ive met over the years play these tricks.

he admitted to me he matched me the dating app due to boredom
He's negging you.

He said he has girls on the app and Snapchat ‘on demand’ when he’s horny
He's making himself seem special and like he's some prize (he's not) to reel you in and make you grateful for him.

But he said meeting me is so different and he’s not looking for short term anymore. He wants long term now.
He's doing the "not like other girls" shit, again to make you feel grateful for his attention.

Also he's love bombing you.

Back off from him. His reaction to you being busy for a couple of weeks, or scaling back on the messaging, will give you all the information you need.

Tbh, I can't get my head round this new thing some people
do of dating somebody but also seeing other people at the same time. Is it about hedging your bets or seeing if someone better comes along? Why? How can you commit to giving a relationship a go if you're too busy meeting up with various other men? I'm not that old but in my experience and that of everyone i know, once you are/were seeing somebody, you were going out together and there was no question that you were "exclusive" as your status as a couple made that pretty obvious. Seeing other people would have been seen as cheating.
Unless you want to commit and he's prepared to ditch the girls "on demand" it's fairer to tell him you're not interested in a relationship. Mind you, his comment would send me running because I couldn't be with somebody who not only expected sex on demand but had it with the sort of women freely providing it to him.

I think you need to slow down OP. You've given very mixed signals. You don't want a relationship but have been having 6-hour phone calls, fooling around, staying over and working from his house? If you want to date, do that. Date. Not this 'in a relationship' behaviour. You don't know this guy from Adam. That's why your guy is screaming at you.

To be honest? I'd end this. Work on yourself and your boundaries. What you want/don't want. Understand that you're putting yourself in dangerous situations, and when you do date again, just date. Get to know the person.

He does sound manipulative and I think he's trying to trap you. When he says he has plenty of other women he can sleep with, he's telling you that so that you will not challenge him. It's a way of saying you are replacable and if you don't please him you are out.

It's the same reason why he's telling you he wants to not sleep with you yet, it feels different etc. He's telling you that you are special to him so that you will invest more in him and put up with shit later on. Other than not sleeping with you none of his actions are showing that he wants to take things slow. He's basically making sure you don't have time to stop and think/feel, and that's what lovebombing is all about. it's very common with people with his type of unstable childhood. Be careful with this one.

*gut, not guy!

@Mydahliasareshit great reference 😂

Your actions do not match your words. You spent a lot of time either physically with him or talking to him in a very short space of time and you later admit you don't care if it didn't work out. I can see that he is interpreting your actions to mean you are really keen.

Perhaps you're giving mixed messages. In just 4 days you have been out for dinner, drove him 35 miles home, spent the night at his house, spent the day working from his house, fooled around twice (not sure exactly what that is but obvs more than a kiss), had a 6 hour telephone conversation, talked all night another night - that's a lot, too much in such a short space of time. That sounds like more than casually dating to me. Possibly too much too soon from both of you.

He wants to have sex then he'll kick you into the long grass.

Up to you whether you do that or not.

For anyone of a certain age, I now have a certain Craig David song playing in my head!

Honestly I think your giving him mixed messages by working from his home etc, that's what girlfriends do. That's not to say he isn't being too intense / love bombing you.

If I were dating I'd see him once a week, and not be on the phone for 6 hours.

Who he?

Thanks everyone!

after reading all your messages, we ended up clarifying with each other over the phone.

he apologised for seeming too forward and fast. He suggested some grounds rule: that we only see each other twice a week maximum and agreed should slow down.

he said these four days also caused him to be vulnerable and overwhelmed.

he’s happy for me to see other people if I want to and he said it’s my business. He said he is keen for us to aim towards gf/bf but said will be fine if it doesn’t work out. he said he won’t be seeing anyone other than me especially we fooled.

we agreed to only meet outside in public for the next few weeks and take things slow.

@Kickingasssince72 why did you quote the whole OP?

Well he sounds like a creep with the on demand women thing. But what are you doing?? You’re complicit too, with the six hour call-a-thon, multiple dates compressed into one weekend, kissing and fooling around, working from his home and having him stay over at yours most of the weekend.

Talk about mixed messages. You’re hardly dating, you’ve launched straight into coupledom.

Take a big step back, reset your boundaries and clear your head.

I don't think he's to blame for OP choosing/agreeing to drive him home or for them spending hours on the phone. She has agency in this.

That sounds hopeful, actually.

At least he listened to you and was able to step back.

Give him a chance. If he sticks to what he's said to you, that's good.

There should be no exclusivity chat until sex is on the cards at the very soonest. Plus you're giving mixed messages by spending such a lot of time with him. WFH from his house was madness. Slow all the way down.

That's true.

Can only speak for myself, but when dating I was essentially auditioning people, as they were auditioning me, to see if I wanted to be in a relationship with them. Absolutely no need to confine it to one guy at a time, as long as everyone involved knew the score. A better use of my time (and presumably theirs).

This really sounds like love bombing. Your feelings are correct it does sound very overwhelming.

That was a swift resolution.

I don't see the issue it's just putting a label on it which folk don't seem to like doing these days. To me you've been on a few dates with him and spent quite a bit of time getting to know him. So surely you'll know whether you want to be bf/gf. You can just as easily say bye if it doesn't work out.

I fear the term love bombing is thrown around too easily these days. Your behaviour ( spending intense time together over 4 days) would give the impression that you are interested and looking for exclusive relationship. I would assume that if I was him. Things can move fast with people without it being a red flag if both people are on same page. You don’t sound sure, but equally seem ok with the time you have spent in his company? I think you need to have a think about if you want to continue seeing him and relax a bit and make it less intense . If you want to keep talking to others that’s your choice but he has the right to not be happy with it if he is catching feelings for you.