Marriage, children and getting old- is it all a lie ?

[Whoknew24]

So this is a little random but curious to hear others thoughts. My daughter is a student and last week they had visited a few different care homes. To make things fun they did a questionnaire with the residents and one of the questions was the popular one of “what advice would you give your younger self” ? The largest majority from the x3 care homes they visited were don’t get married and a lot said don’t have children. I found this really interesting that the largest majority all near the end think and feel like this. Of course there were a few that were very happy with their lives so I’m not implying is was every person. My daughter also said the staff told them the majority who had families etc often went weeks with no visits etc.

i myself work for a local authority and constantly see elderly people with families, completely stuck in awful situation with no help or support at all from their children, families.

in my own family my gran had 4 children my dad and his 3 sisters, all alive but have zero desire to help my gran so it falls on me. And if im honest it’s a strain I could be doing without (I know I sound selfish) but it’s the truth. My gran was a good mum and a good gran and did the fact she’s alone I step up as no one else will. My other elderly gran also had 4 children and only one of them helps her and she absolutely hates doing it as well.

Im wondering is it just me and my circle who feel this way or is it more common than we think. I read on here so many people will say you’ll be lonely when you’re older if you don’t have children. My experience is those with children are anyway.

do you think we’ve been fed a lie about marriage and children ? I definitely feel that way. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten married and had children. (I know I will be jumped on for this ) I love my children I do and I’ve sacrificed everything for them, but the continuous worry, stress etc I feel outweighs the positives. My husband feels like an additional child and after 21 years of carrying the mental, financial and physical burden I think how did I allow myself to make these choices.

Maybe deep down I’m selfish but I think a simple and easy life where I put only my needs first would have suited me better.

Soetu for the novel I’m just wondering others persepective ? I’ve spoken to close friends who say that in hindsight they love their kids but if they could go back wouldn’t have had them or gotten married and I just feel are we fed one big lie.

I know there’s those on here who adore their husband and life, or is it that just some of us prefer simplicity ?

if you got this far well done 😊

I think for a very long time the dominant narrative was that marriage and children "is just what you do", with little or no actual thought given to whether that was something you actually wanted.

I had a lot of conversations like this with partners in the past (I'm early 40s), where they hadn't ever actually thought about whether they wanted those things, just that "everyone does it".

So of course within that, some people will end up happy with it, and some will find that, if they had taken time to consider the alternatives and really think it through, if they had believed at the time that other options were possible, they might have made different choices. And some will have had bad experiences along the way that make them look at past decisions differently.

I'm never married and don't have kids, love my partner, and very happy with my life.

I also spent a number of years in my twenties caring for elderly grandparents, so while I can see that in some cases having family around is great, there are (IMO) way more cases these days where families aren't willing or able to provide care, and certainly I think specifically having children for those kinds of reasons, or to protect against future loneliness is not at all ethical concept - it's basically trying to dictate your future children's lives.

I think we'd all be happier if there was more "do your own research, think hard about things, and decide what suits you best" in big life choices rather than "you must do/be X because [whatever reason the speaker believes]"

We’re very pleased that we married and had children. Certainly don’t want or expect our (adult) kids to care for us. Why should they? It’s hardly a surprise that we’ve aged, sort of saw it coming and planned accordingly 😁

I don't think we're being sold a lie.

I would say it's common knowledge that having children doesn't guarantee care in old age.

I also think that these days, the downsides of parenthood are talked about a lot more than the positives.

Really good points you’ve made. And yes I think I’m going to really advise my children to think things through and put a lot of thought into their decisions and life choices.

No I get that, I just meant when people who say they don’t want children the response is normally you’ll be lonely etc. so I was just thinking those people to a large extent already are. And I do agree society does seem to voice things more which I do think is a good thing. My sil said to me why I didn’t tell her what it was really like, but I told her imagine announcing your pregnancy and then someone saying lots of negative things I just wouldn’t. But I do think having realistic conversations is definitely important.

thanks for the reply 😊

I don't think it is a lie, but I have to say I underestimated how much I would worry about my children. I also did not foresee the current economic crisis, the severity of climate change, and AI.

I'd be lonely without them, though. I have a very small and scattered family and not many friends as I have moved around. A lot of my friends have drifted away or absorbed with their own families, so without a family, I expect I would have been a bit without connection. ( This doesn't apply to everyone).

This. I married late and had a child late, having had a lot of fun en route. And because I wanted to. Delighted I did both. Don’t expect DS (now 12) to look after me in old age. I will make the same arrangements I would have made if childfree. I’d be surprised if DS even lives on the same continent. I’ll be encouraging him to explore the world.

I definitely am not expecting my kids to look after me, though I am looking after my mum. They likely will have to work all hours. I have saved for my care; let's hope it's enough.

It's not a lie, but some people do have very unrealistic expectations. Adult children are absolutely not obligated to care for their parents, and none of us should be expecting that to happen. We are all responsible for ourselves, so need to pay for care etc.

I think part of the problem is that the NHS is keeping people alive far beyond the point where they have any life of their own. When my grandparents died in the 1980s they were still fully active, and they all went bang suddenly from heart attacks or strokes. They had no need of us helping them or visiting them in their final years, because they died suddenly and peacefully in a very natural way.

These days the NHS prides itself on keeping people alive beyond the point where they can cope independently, and I'm not sure that that is such a smart idea.

I am glad that I have married and had a child and a life of my own. But when I am too old and no longer independent or useful, I would be grateful if someone would recognise that and let me pop off quietly.

I think women's especially are just being more vocal about how hard raising children is and being honest about the need to really think about it. Instead of a misery loves company. I really think it's brave and great that women are doing this and appreciate it so much. I see it on tiktok especially the honest chats about it.

I don’t think you can predict when you have a child what your relationship with them will be 60 years later.
I think that means you roll the dice and take a chance.
Personally, I know I’ll look after my parents the way I saw them look after my grandparents. That doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed my children will look after me.
I don’t think raising my kids or being married has been hard so I don’t think I’ll be advising people against it. If I had found it hard maybe I would have done

"I myself work for a local authority and constantly see elderly people with families, completely stuck in awful situation with no help or support at all from their children, families".

There are many reasons for this; increased social mobility, a seemingly widespread societal expectation that the task of caring falls to the female members of the family and the fact that not all elderly people are nice and kind either.

I agree with this and think this will be acutely felt in care homes where people have basically lost the ability to live independently and have a life of their own. It is really tough as most people then expect the family to visit all the time etc but realistically everyone is busier than ever and many families live further apart than they ever used to.

I also think many people of the generation that are in care homes now got married and had children in a very different society. These things were an obligation and not a choice and happened very early in life. This is an absolute breeding ground for resentment. They also probably expected their children to care for them in the way that they had probably cared for the elderly in their family as that was more possible in the past. Now everything has changed and the elderly are living for decades beeding family support and the family is less able to provide it.

I found this really interesting that the largest majority all near the end think and feel like this

Of all that are in care homes. I doubt the answers would be the same if you surveyed all the 80+ people out there.

I only ever really read on mn that adult children have no obligation to their elderly parents.
In my world they most certainly do- and I definitely feel that it’s my duty to look after elderly relatives (as well as my sibling’s duty). If parents were abusive then of course that’s different, but what a sad world if we are all separate units only responsible for ourselves.
Anyway, it’s an interesting question- is it all a lie? I would say no, but it’s not an easy path either. I only ever really regret children when it hits me how much potential there is for pain (I can cope with bad things happening to me, less so bad things happening to my kids).
I would also say NEVER put 100% faith in a man/ romantic partner. Always keep something back and protect your heart a bit.

In my world, they do too. But it's not possible for everyone, and I have a certain amount of privilege.
In my culture, elders aren't sent to care homes, and I there is no one in my family who was sent to one. They were all cared for at home. I expect this to be impossible in the next generation.

I think it's really good thing that more people are questioning marriage and children and deciding it's not for them - because it doesn't suit everyone. Obviously, your happiness also depends on the quality of your marriage and relationships with your children. For some people it's quite damaging. For others, it's very fulfilling.
I also think it's good that we're moving away from this romanticised view of marriage and children, seeing it as the key to happiness. It's great in many ways but also relentless, exhausting, frustrating.
I'm very happy to have a good marriage and lovely children, but I can see there are many different paths one can take in life. If I hadn't settled down I'm pretty certain I would have been happy filling my life with other things.

I'd absolutely advise my younger self not to get married - at least not to my husband (and go to therapy to learn to accept it's ok to want things for myself). I love my children, I hate the idea of not having them, so I would definitely still want children. The hardest thing would be knowing you wouldn't have the same children if you took a different path.

In terms of supporting the elderly, historically women didn't work and were expected to be the care givers for both the children and the elderly. Now society basically needs everyone to be working, we don't have anyone left to take on these caring responsibilities. Obviously you care for your children because you chose to have them - but a good chunk of people outsource that care (to childminders, nurseries, grandparents, etc) so why is it seem as unacceptable to outsource the care of a parent or grandparent in the same way to enable you to work?

My parents are only mid 60's and very active, so no need to make those sorts of decisions yet. My inlaws are a lot older but so far have remained in their own home with no need for care. I personally haven't seen them in years after putting up with a LOT of shit from them, my husband sees them maybe twice a year (they live half an hour away). They see one of their other sons even less and he lives 10 mins away.... But in their case you reap what you bloody well sow. If they needed care, I can't see any of their children stepping up. My parents on the other hand, my sister and I would do what we could.

So I think it's much more complicated to look at our elderly and just see them as lonely. I suspect the ones who don't see their families much most likely did something (or maybe just didn't do anything) to cause their family to not want to be there.

Maybe Charlotte but actually I suspect, with us becoming more insular as a country and rising housing costs/ COL more families might live in inter generational households? I definitely see more people in their 20s still living with parents- whereas I was off by 18 and abroad by 25.

Not a surprise.
I never had children and married to make my life better.
Only thanks to careful observing of other women since childhood.
If course it's a lie. Best life ever is probably lots of money and staying single, stuff that majority cannot reach to.
Yes, blunt and perhaps disappointing.

I’m really glad I had my children, and don’t expect anything from them in return.

i notice that, in my family for example, I’ve got a few cousins etc who have chosen that they don’t want children - about 20% of my generation in my family. Which is great.

i think a few generations back, as pp’s have said, it perhaps wasn’t an acceptable choice or even something that was an option, so people who would have preferred to be child free may have had children anyway, and potentially quite large families as bc was not always available or practical.

so possibly older people who didn’t get to choose the lifestyle for them.

I love my kids and can honestly say if I'd had no children I would not have felt my life was complete.
I don't and won't expect them to care for me in my old age.
I see a lot of older people passively waiting for their children to get in touch, visit etc with no apparent awareness of how frantic the pace of life can be when you're juggling jobs, kids and other commitments too. Perhaps they should take the lead on getting and keeping in touch?

Oh yes, that's true too. I can see at least one of my DC living with me for a while.

@Nothatgingerpirate it's really not that black and white. My happiest times are spent going to the theatre or a movie with my adult daughter. No friend makes me feel that way.
And of course, the downside is I worry about her, especially in these times. That is the price for love, as I see it.

No one’s suggested otherwise. I am simply saying I didn’t have a child in order for him to feel obliged to ‘look after me’ in old age. I had a child late, and because I wanted to see what it was like, not to stare him into some kind of relationship of obligation. I saw how my mother’s unthinking sense of duty towards her godawful mother had a huge negative impact on her children when she brought her to live with us in a house that was already overcrowded and poor. I wouldn’t pass that on.