Marriage, children and getting old- is it all a lie ?

[Whoknew24]

So this is a little random but curious to hear others thoughts. My daughter is a student and last week they had visited a few different care homes. To make things fun they did a questionnaire with the residents and one of the questions was the popular one of “what advice would you give your younger self” ? The largest majority from the x3 care homes they visited were don’t get married and a lot said don’t have children. I found this really interesting that the largest majority all near the end think and feel like this. Of course there were a few that were very happy with their lives so I’m not implying is was every person. My daughter also said the staff told them the majority who had families etc often went weeks with no visits etc.

i myself work for a local authority and constantly see elderly people with families, completely stuck in awful situation with no help or support at all from their children, families.

in my own family my gran had 4 children my dad and his 3 sisters, all alive but have zero desire to help my gran so it falls on me. And if im honest it’s a strain I could be doing without (I know I sound selfish) but it’s the truth. My gran was a good mum and a good gran and did the fact she’s alone I step up as no one else will. My other elderly gran also had 4 children and only one of them helps her and she absolutely hates doing it as well.

Im wondering is it just me and my circle who feel this way or is it more common than we think. I read on here so many people will say you’ll be lonely when you’re older if you don’t have children. My experience is those with children are anyway.

do you think we’ve been fed a lie about marriage and children ? I definitely feel that way. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten married and had children. (I know I will be jumped on for this ) I love my children I do and I’ve sacrificed everything for them, but the continuous worry, stress etc I feel outweighs the positives. My husband feels like an additional child and after 21 years of carrying the mental, financial and physical burden I think how did I allow myself to make these choices.

Maybe deep down I’m selfish but I think a simple and easy life where I put only my needs first would have suited me better.

Soetu for the novel I’m just wondering others persepective ? I’ve spoken to close friends who say that in hindsight they love their kids but if they could go back wouldn’t have had them or gotten married and I just feel are we fed one big lie.

I know there’s those on here who adore their husband and life, or is it that just some of us prefer simplicity ?

if you got this far well done 😊

This too. Not all old people are innocent. Some of them have made their family’s lives miserable for decades. None of the staff would know anything about that and just see a miserable looking family member and assume they’re the bad guy.

Thank you. Yes, I am trying to 'plan' some of my anxieties away. In particular I am saving money to live in a retirement village when I am older. It has levels of care which you can move through as required. I just hope it's still available when I am old! I actually plan to move into the independent living section fairly early though, perhaps in my 60s. I still worry about what would happen if I was in hospital though.

That is what I thought when I had to care for my dad who had dementia. Modern medicine bought him back to life at least twice when he had heart attacks, and I can’t help wondering if the cardio vascular damage he sustained during those events didn’t sow the seeds of his subsequent dementia. People are being kept alive for longer but often the quality of the last 5-10 years really isn’t good.

Unfortunately you don't know who is going to be affected and how.

My DM has now been in hospital for nearly 3 months. Started with a broken leg but has now gone on to have a minor stroke and heart problems. The mental decline is such that DM (previously independent) no longer eats regularly, has lost a lot of memory, can no longer walk is frequently distressed.

None of my DM's issues are life threatening in themselves. So what treatment do you stop? ABs for a UTI or a chest infection? Do you stop supplements which are needed because the lack of nutrition?

There isn't an easy answer.

The only thing I am going to do is put an advanced directive in place for myself to say when I want all treatment to stop.

I am sorry that you and your mum are in this situation Gnome. It can be a long climb back to regaining some autonomy when you are elderly, I wish you all the best .

Aw that’s rotten to hear 😢 keep your head up and I hope things pick up

It’s been really interesting and I’ve enjoyed readings everyone’s perspectives !

I absolutely don't think people "should" marry and have children. It's not the right path for some people.
But I don't think it's all a lie, either. You don't hear as much about the good family relationships, or if you do, you hear about the niggles / problems in those relationships and not the good bits overall.
I have 3 siblings. Our parents are in their mid 70s, more health issues than when they were younger, obviously, and they are slowing down in general. Obviously it's not all perfect, but I have genuinely positive, life-enhancing and good relationships with all my siblings (even when sister #2 does something REALLY ANNOYING.....) and with my parents. My parents also enjoy their relationship with all their grandchildren.
When my grandparents were elderly and infirm, they still had loving and close relationships with my parents, my uncles and me and my siblings.

I agree. Unfortunately a lot of families are unhappy and really cause more problems and stress than they're worth. However, there are many, many happy families. My family aren't perfect. We have our fair share of issues, but we're genuinely a happy, loving and supportive family. I think we all benefit from each other. We're there for my parents in their old age (sadly I live far away but I support them as much as I can). My parents and siblings have always been there for me. I know many similar families.

I agree. I desperately wish I had a family (only child, can't have children of my own). I very much feel I am facing life (especially old age) alone, and I am genuinely terrified. I try to stay positive, but dark thoughts creep into my mind daily.

You’re not alone, many of us out here. I’m in the same boat. I just try not to think about it, anything can happen! Could get run over tomorrow and I’ve spent all this time worrying about something destined not to happen!

Or we could end up leading a fit and healthy life, and die peacefully asleep in our cosy home without having suffered the loss of our health or independence.

I have noticed many elder women form very close friendships at that age and do absolutely everything together and also take care of each other.

There are many ways not to be alone even without a husband and children.

I’m now focusing heavily on fostering close friendships to replace the family I never had. It’s slow going, but I think others in a similar situation value this type of bond.

Also, technology and AI are progressing at such a speed that we may solve a number of social issues this way, domestic robots and not being reliant on carers for one. This will be the norm by the time we reach old age, no different to buying a car to serve your needs.

Sorry to hear you are in a similar position but am glad you have a positive outlook and thank you for sharing.

Sometimes I feel more positive too. I think it is largely a case of focusing on forging friendships, trying to be a nice person, being there for other people too and also saving money for the best quality care we can.

You are definitely right that technology will make some of the challenges of old age easier too. It's staggering when I think how much technology has developed in my own lifetime, and I am not even 40 yet. In another 40 years, the world will be radically different again.

I'd love to chat to you, if you wouldn't mind. Could I send you a DM please?

I think in old age a lot of people feel lonely and unsupported by their families. Also they are of the generation where divorce wasn’t as common. Now there is more choices. For me marriage wasn’t what I hoped it was a long haul. But maybe it’s wiser to know yourself first as forever with one person is a long time. I look at people who didn’t settle down and travelled and wished I had done that. But as a woman the clock is ticking and I’m so glad I have my children.

Sure, of course you can!