Marriage, children and getting old- is it all a lie ?

[Whoknew24]

So this is a little random but curious to hear others thoughts. My daughter is a student and last week they had visited a few different care homes. To make things fun they did a questionnaire with the residents and one of the questions was the popular one of “what advice would you give your younger self” ? The largest majority from the x3 care homes they visited were don’t get married and a lot said don’t have children. I found this really interesting that the largest majority all near the end think and feel like this. Of course there were a few that were very happy with their lives so I’m not implying is was every person. My daughter also said the staff told them the majority who had families etc often went weeks with no visits etc.

i myself work for a local authority and constantly see elderly people with families, completely stuck in awful situation with no help or support at all from their children, families.

in my own family my gran had 4 children my dad and his 3 sisters, all alive but have zero desire to help my gran so it falls on me. And if im honest it’s a strain I could be doing without (I know I sound selfish) but it’s the truth. My gran was a good mum and a good gran and did the fact she’s alone I step up as no one else will. My other elderly gran also had 4 children and only one of them helps her and she absolutely hates doing it as well.

Im wondering is it just me and my circle who feel this way or is it more common than we think. I read on here so many people will say you’ll be lonely when you’re older if you don’t have children. My experience is those with children are anyway.

do you think we’ve been fed a lie about marriage and children ? I definitely feel that way. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten married and had children. (I know I will be jumped on for this ) I love my children I do and I’ve sacrificed everything for them, but the continuous worry, stress etc I feel outweighs the positives. My husband feels like an additional child and after 21 years of carrying the mental, financial and physical burden I think how did I allow myself to make these choices.

Maybe deep down I’m selfish but I think a simple and easy life where I put only my needs first would have suited me better.

Soetu for the novel I’m just wondering others persepective ? I’ve spoken to close friends who say that in hindsight they love their kids but if they could go back wouldn’t have had them or gotten married and I just feel are we fed one big lie.

I know there’s those on here who adore their husband and life, or is it that just some of us prefer simplicity ?

if you got this far well done 😊

As others have said, it used to be the way things were done, marry (young) then have children.

In the UK, I don't think it's very accepted or easy to care for a elderly relative. Little financial help, not many people have the room to house a elderly relative safely or if they do they usually have to give up work.

Whereas, in many other cultures its the norm of living with parents or moving an elderly relative into the home and many members share the care.

Back when these 80 years olds were 18-20. It was expected that you get married, you often got married because you wanted to have sex and sex before marriage was frowned upon or they had a shot gun marriage as had gotten pregnant. Women then were expected to give up thier jobs and divorce was not so common or easy. Then there were the people who were gay but had to hide it and so married hetrosexually as that was what was expected.
So of course lots and lots of women who fell in love at 18 and got married, ended up married to pillocks that if they had been able to wait a few more years and had a few more boyfriends like we do now, would not have married them.

We know dont HAVE to stick with our partner and many people are finding happy fulfilling relationships later in life. I think if you had the same survery when we are 80 the results may be very different as we are able to follow our dreams, have a career, choose different partners, be gay or whatever we want.

It is an interesting counter balance to the oft trotted out line that no one on their death bed wishes they'd spent more time at work 😁Perhaps the mistake is putting all your eggs in one basket in life. Work can be enriching and fulfilling, so can children and marriage. But in the end, all you have is yourself, however you chose to fill your finite days.

I think it's a nice ideal to look after parents, but not everyone is able to.

For example, what if you need to live in a different part of the country for work, but the parent won't move? What if you live in a different country? What if your house isn't big enough to house the parent?

Even if these things aren't true, the parent may need many hours care, but you have a full time job with a commute? What if you're older yourself and your parent's needs are complex? What if your husband, wife or children need care in addition to a parent?

Marriage historically evolved due to property rights
Children historically were created to work and support the family

At some point it became an evolving romantic theme emboldened by hollywood

Looking at the divorce statistics it's unlikely humans were intended to bond for life, for most it's simply a practical business decision made in the context of current societal structures.

People are too conditioned to rely on external societal markers e.g., marriage, children, career to define them, but all these things are transient and unpredictable and you end up six feet under. So best to enjoy things while they come along but not cling on to them.

It was more women, but even in my circle of friends colleagues they also think like that. So I don’t know if we’re all just a miserable bunch or not.

But yes I do agree things have moved forward giving more people a choice thankfully.

What would be interesting would be to know how their thoughts changed over time.

20 years ago when things were going well did they tell everyone how great it was and how they should do the same?

People's narratives are only according to their perceptions at the time and unreliable, always to be taken with a pinch of salt. How often do you see people who are in apparently happy marriages who behind the scenes are not.

It's just best to do what feels right for you.

I do think as humans we can always want what we don’t have. I have the life you want on paper , but yet your life sounds heaven to me. I’m sorry things didn’t quite pan out how you wanted and so sorry the stress you had with your dad 😢

I have told my family if I’m ever diagnosed the first thing I’ll do is get everything in order and travel for assisted dying. It’s definitely not for everyone and I know many I have strong feelings but unless I’m physically active and if sound mind I definitely do not want to be here.

And you may be absolutely fine health wise you never know. I wish you all the best and happiness in life 💗

It's just a reflection of modern life, we are built around money and not community, and there's little value to older people financially.

Once my body starts going and it looks like I'm going to require care, that's it for me. I hope they bring in assisted dying because the idea of sitting around in a chair for a decade while people treat me like an inconvenience seems preposterous to me.

See this is the thing, everyone led me to believe it was great until afterwards. Then told me the complete opposite, I often wonder was it an underlying bitterness encouraging others to get married have children. But then I myself am guilty of it too. My SIL asked me outright why I wasn’t honest with her, they had one child and without being dramatic it’s ruined their lives, they struggle to cope and seem miserable constantly.

it’s a weird one, but really interesting reading everyone’s replies 😊

Hmmmm whilst I don't think children are obligated to care for their parents I do think they have a duty to spend time with them and support them in old age. Visiting them frequently, getting teenage grandkids to go over and do odd jobs. 100%. Society is so selfish these days IMO

Well we're mostly constructed around our own life narratives so if you've had children it's great, if you haven't had children, it's great. Later on you may change your narrative depending on your life circumstances at that point in time.

The truth is all they are are narratives, our actual lives are not these narratives.

As a singleton, I suspect the single people will cope better with old age. All other things being equal, we are used to being on our own and are self contained.

If you've been coupled up for ever and your partner dies when you are say in your seventies or eighties, that's got to be a really hard thing to cope with. Firstly you've lost your mate, secondly you have to live on your own when you have no experience of doing so.

Mind you, having said that, where I live we have a group of older women known as "The Merry Widows" who are all living their best lives. Maybe it's the men who will struggle more. Marriage does after all still seem to be a much better deal for them.

Yes I’m exactly the same I’ve said I’d get things in order then travel for assisted dying. The thought horrifies me too.

I definately wouldn’t have had children. They just completely take over your life and from that moment on, you worry about them endlessly.

I also know how much of a bind my grandad was on my mum and how horrible she was to me in the years before she died and just wonder the point of it all. Life is one big con for me.

The very happiest couple I know, did not have children, still really love each other, retired at 50 and spend winters in Cape Town from November to March and summers here.

Only 2.5% of people over 65 live in a care home (i checked the ONS). So your sample is nowhere near representative of all older people. Your headline should be "people who live in care homes appear to regret having children and/or getting married".

Concepts of duty and of doing something that helps someone with no reward seem long gone

And at the same time people are less happy with their lives and I think this is related

We seem to have lost sight of what it means to live , especially to live in a society so wrapped up I our own worlds and troubles, forever scrapping for a little more of "what we deserve" as we "are worth it" , forever disappointed that we don't get what others have-m, believing the lie that it's because that we don't try hard enough

Connection to humans on a purely mine selfish level would improve so many peoples lives , but we just can't make time for them

All sounds great, but maybe that's all just escapism and their lives feel meaningless.

You might not like their life, you just don't know.

All these comparisons between ourselves and others and ourselves and our ideal or past selves are just not good for anyone.

How funny about the old Merry Widows 😊I have a great aunt who is 82 and her and her group would give 18 year olds a run for their money. They are here there and everywhere living their best lives not a man in sight. I wouldn’t mind half their energy.

I don’t think I realised to much later on in life I’m very introverted. I love being by myself and peace and quiet.

it’s true what they say youth is wasted on the young, well in my case i feel it was.

You're seeing a biased picture there. People who end up in care homes often were never as close to family to begin with, or may have had complex physical and mental health needs for decades before needing to go into a home which again affects the relationship.

In many cases if someone's lived long enough their kids and grandkids might be dead- you can't expect great grand kids to want to treat you like close family.

I had my DD young! Late teens, she is now a late teen, so she has always been a huge part of my life and always will be, I don’t know really what life is like without her. That being said, I should not have stayed with her dad as long as I did, he wasn’t abusive or anything just not for me (and me not for him) so I feel I missed out more on life with him that because of having DD young.

My DP had his children much older, they are still in primary school and he feels he kinda of ‘went along with marriage and kids’ and probably wouldn’t do that again if he had the time again, nothing personal about the kiddos just that you can have a full life without kids.

💯 this, great post

“I think we'd all be happier if there was more "do your own research, think hard about things, and decide what suits you best" in big life choices rather than "you must do/be X because [whatever reason the speaker believes]"

I would add to the above “do your research, think hard about things” AND listen to your gut. In my expeience if you sit long enough with your own intuition, you will make life choices that are right for you, and not “you must do/be X because…”

I certainly don't regret getting married. Been married 44 years and still very happy and in love.

We chose not to have children and I think that has contributed to us being happy. Most of our friends with children are divorced, some more than once, whereas all our friends and relatives that chose to be childfree are still in their first marriage (the shortest being 25 years and the longest 51) and seem happy.

Lots of our friends have said if they could go back in time they would not have children.

Before we got married our best man's nan (aged 79) and one of DH's neighbours (aged 82) told us if we wanted to stay happy to not have children!

But that wasn’t my only question at all. People around me seem to have this view as well, so I was interested to hear others perspective. I certainly didn’t imply that was everyone who was elderly view either. I was interested to hear what others thoughts were overall with marriage and children, so no my headline is exactly as it was intended to be.

Honestly that's depressing, both sets of my grandparents had a lot of children one set had seven and they all looked after them and visited very regularly in their old age none of them went to care homes.