Marriage, children and getting old- is it all a lie ?

[Whoknew24]

So this is a little random but curious to hear others thoughts. My daughter is a student and last week they had visited a few different care homes. To make things fun they did a questionnaire with the residents and one of the questions was the popular one of “what advice would you give your younger self” ? The largest majority from the x3 care homes they visited were don’t get married and a lot said don’t have children. I found this really interesting that the largest majority all near the end think and feel like this. Of course there were a few that were very happy with their lives so I’m not implying is was every person. My daughter also said the staff told them the majority who had families etc often went weeks with no visits etc.

i myself work for a local authority and constantly see elderly people with families, completely stuck in awful situation with no help or support at all from their children, families.

in my own family my gran had 4 children my dad and his 3 sisters, all alive but have zero desire to help my gran so it falls on me. And if im honest it’s a strain I could be doing without (I know I sound selfish) but it’s the truth. My gran was a good mum and a good gran and did the fact she’s alone I step up as no one else will. My other elderly gran also had 4 children and only one of them helps her and she absolutely hates doing it as well.

Im wondering is it just me and my circle who feel this way or is it more common than we think. I read on here so many people will say you’ll be lonely when you’re older if you don’t have children. My experience is those with children are anyway.

do you think we’ve been fed a lie about marriage and children ? I definitely feel that way. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have gotten married and had children. (I know I will be jumped on for this ) I love my children I do and I’ve sacrificed everything for them, but the continuous worry, stress etc I feel outweighs the positives. My husband feels like an additional child and after 21 years of carrying the mental, financial and physical burden I think how did I allow myself to make these choices.

Maybe deep down I’m selfish but I think a simple and easy life where I put only my needs first would have suited me better.

Soetu for the novel I’m just wondering others persepective ? I’ve spoken to close friends who say that in hindsight they love their kids but if they could go back wouldn’t have had them or gotten married and I just feel are we fed one big lie.

I know there’s those on here who adore their husband and life, or is it that just some of us prefer simplicity ?

if you got this far well done 😊

This is the general consensus around me too from close friends, family and colleagues. That if they could go back they’d have done everything differently. So I was wondering if more felt this outwith what I was experiencing. The replies have all been really insightful and interesting.

@PontiacFirebird I'm from a working class/lower middle maybe background in a midlands mining town - not one of my grandmothers/aunts worked after their first child- even when they were adults

My mum managed 4 years of full time teaching and then part time of about 14 hours a week for many years in different jobs.

That's why I laugh at the 'we worked hard' that so many elderly women come out with - maybe they did about the house but when you question them it's not that many over 75s who were working either a lot of part time hours or full time with families and for years on end !!

It's a difficult balance because "community" doesn’t pay the bills or provide food, housing, or clothes. Many working adults in the UK are living in poverty, so while society might feel "built around money," for most people, that money is about survival, not luxury.

I understand the sadness in your post (or maybe I’m just projecting), but the question of community vs. money isn’t always a simple choice. It’s shaped by the circumstances of both parents and children, along with the broader structures of society and capitalism.

This topic hits home for me. My siblings and I live far from our parents. My dad is 70, and my mum isn’t far behind. After my youngest sibling went to university, my parents chose to move to a one-bed flat by the coast, in an area with mostly seasonal, minimum-wage jobs. They can’t move back to where we grew up because house prices have skyrocketed elsewhere while their area has seen prices drop.
I can’t move there to look after them full-time due to needing full-time work that pays basic bills. My retirement age is decades away, and I have 27 years left on my mortgage. That means I won't be nearing retirement (and the freedom to move where I want and spend my time how I want) until my dad is almost 100 - many people start needing care in their 80s and don't live to 100. My siblings have young kids and in-laws nearby, so moving closer to my parents would mean uprooting their lives and leaving behind their own family connections.

I don’t have children by choice, and when my time comes, I plan to choose assisted dying too. These are deeply personal decisions, and I think it’s important to acknowledge that for many of us, the challenges around caring for aging parents aren’t as simple as choosing money over family or community.

This this this!!!

Happiest couple I know never had kids. They both worked hard, retired at 50 and now spend winters in Thailand and Summers in the UK.

Saying that the world would die if nobody bothered.

Some people are just better at it than me I think.

I'm telling my kids to spend all my pension and house equity on decent quality care for me if I need it. Anything £ left over they can keep.
I don't want them putting their lives on hold caring for me in old age.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I am late 30s no children and had a hysterectomy this year so obvs will not have any in the future ha
I expected to feel sad as about this however I just think now I have the freedom to do whatever I like. I don’t have to worry oh these are my last fertile years i better get pregnant which was how I was feeling before I had this hysterectomy.
I think there is a little bit more of a shift now to accepting women don’t have to have children without any stigma about it.

Definitely I’ve told mine if I see a major decline coming for me I will travel for assisted dying. I feel very strongly about being at the mercy of strangers and not being fully aware of what’s going on.

it’s quite a thought isn’t it !

DH and I won't be looking after any of our parents as they're all already long gone. However. I am caring for an elderly relative. I use the term loosely as she lives several hours drive away so I only go once a month and pay for carers to go in the rest of the time, which is a good balance, although I appreciate one that is not necessarily available to everyone financially.

I intend to finance my own care needs so that DC see me because they want to, not because they have to, and so it doesn't have a life-changing impact on them or my relationship with them. However, if that weren't possible, I think they would chip in. But then we're a very close family that doesn't have issues of neglect or abuse. Or I could just be deluded. However, I nursed my MIL and didn't resent it at all, despite the fact it was hard and ultimately my XH's role really.

My Grandmother said that if she had her time again she wouldn’t have got married or had children. She only voiced it to me. She was a good mother and wonderful Grandmother and her children treated her like a burden and/or with indifference as she got older even though she asked nothing of them and had zero care needs. My Grandmother was of a generation where women gave up work for marriage and children. She was very bright and switched on and had a good job before she got married.

I think in some ways we do all buy into a lie. I love my children and wouldn’t change them, but I’m also acutely aware of how many people don’t really like their parents as adults, visit them reluctantly etc. I don’t think any of us sign up for that.

Then there are people who cheat and their marriage collapses into a lie. Marriages often don’t last these days.

In some ways I envy the generations hitting adulthood now because I don’t think marriage and children are something that is being promoted to them. Dating is different, commitment is different, they all seem to put their careers and selves first and are horrified at anyone under the age of 30 even considering having babies. I think they will happier in the long run because if it.

What does last these days? I am not being sarky. I genuinely want to know. Careers don't either.

My mam told me she wouldn't have had kids if my dad hadn't wanted them. I think she's only realised now that you don't actually have to.

Nothing has ever lasted, that's the nature of life.

Many reasons marriages lasted previously were not good ones.

Comparably we're a more dynamic and changing society than we were previously, but little more than a century ago you'd be lucky to see 50.

People often don't live in the same area. You can't visit someone every week when that means few hours drive one way and you have a job and own family to take care of.

I think society is changing and expectations are changing. The done thing isn't enough pressure to make people go through with big life decisions without thought anymore.
But I imagine there was an expectation in certain generations about what their old age would look like. Maybe there's some bitterness there, or just enough time to sit and think about their regrets and what might have been.
I've always wanted to have children, never had a doubt about it and I love it. As part of that, I wanted to find a partner and get married. I'm very happy with my choices but who knows what the future holds. I certainly don't ever feel that I'd be happier without my child and husband. But I went in very eyes wide open about the difficulties and sacrifices that come from having a child and I come from divorced parents and challenging family relationships so I've always felt that relationships take a lot of work and communication.
I think we have a lot more options available to us now though than previous generations so I wouldn't feel like I couldn't make changes in the future if necessary and if I didn't feel like my husband was a good partner and father then I would never have had kids with him because I honestly think that I'd rather have no kids and be single than do that with the wrong person.
I will always look after my parents though, I wouldn't want them to go into care unless it was completely necessary medically. I would rather they lived with me honestly. But I don't know that my children would feel the same way, so I can't expect that to be my future. I've saved and invested in my pension, so I'm hoping to have options for my retirement and any care needs.

Yeah I think that’s what I was meaning really. Not necessarily living with them but being involved in their lives, and their care, in some way. Making time in your life for them and involving them in your life to some extent. I really do hope my kids do that I’d hate to be seen as a chore or a burden.
I also think it’s really important for women to have friends all through their lives because when you outlive your husband it’s so important to have a network around you.

Yes I’m with you on that, I’ve haven’t been vocal as yet so much to my children. But they all definitely seem to have zero intention of marriage and children and I think good for them. I hope they go and live their best life in their own terms.

I think very much like you too 😊

I think if you’re having kids to have someone to look after you when you’re old, you’re fighting a losing battle. Ultimately you choose to have kids and take on all the associated responsibilities, but they don’t choose you! Even if you get on really well, they still may not want to or be able to look after you in your old age. If you think of it at the most basic level, breeding to secure later life care is totally selfish.

I don’t have children and never wish to, but people often ask me what I will do when I’m old. I always reply that I’ll be in home, along with everyone else who had kids!

I’m sorry you are disappointed in your decision to have kids, and I think it’s a great thing that the narrative around not having children has changed over the years. Only people who really want children should be having them, and if that was the case, the world would be far better off!

I think that nature hard wires women especially into wanting babies.
Not dc but babies.
Everyday on MN we read of women struggling with infertility and the sadness and desperation ttc brings.

Nature moulds our lives more than we realise.
It's easy in your old age to say we regret having dc because we're no longer young and full of oestrogen.

I read somewhere that only 15% of the elderly live in care homes which will skew the answers somewhat.

That generation married young and often the wrong people. My grandparents (both sides) had very unhappy marriages and were totally unsuited. My great-grandparents actively despised each other. Not to mention all those who may have wanted different but were unable to have it due to societial pressures, women's rights and views on homosexuality.

My kids are the best thing that's happened to me.

Just to look at it a little different, perhaps the people are in care homes in part because of problematic family relationship dynamics. Obviously this isn't the case for everyone but I wonder if residents say the same if say, their children or grandchildren visit weekly.

If you asked elderly people who lived with family what they thought would they say the same? I suspect not.

Elderly people can have also been unkind, unloving parents or spouses it's not necessarily just the kids and husbands at fault.

I definitely don’t think anyone is being sold a lie, but I do think you are sampling from quite a biased demographic - older people who clearly don’t have a partner or children who are caring for them. In my own experience, both of my grandparents lived at home, cared for by family (my mum and I) until they died. Dh’s grandparents were the same. His grandad lived til 95, independently in his own home, with 3 of his 5 children (the others don’t live locally) caring for him daily. I definitely don’t think any of them would have this perspective.

Now in families were there is potentially a lot of dysfunction, yes, I can see it. I am NC with my own mum. I don’t know if she’d say she regrets having children (she probably regrets having me though!), but she will grow old alone as she’s cut herself off from all family. I expect she will be in a care home and quite bitter eventually. Dh and I will likely care for MIL though, though really don’t want her to ever have to come live with us. 😩 I definitely don’t think she’d say she wishes she didn’t have children or get married (she’s been married twice, neither has been stellar, but I don’t think she has regrets).

I think the difference here is sampling from well-structured supportive healthy families and those where there are other issues, estrangement, infighting, perhaps physical and mental illness.

I suppose if the old people spent their whole lives enduring family only in the belief that they would be treated like royalty in old age, then yes they might make different choices. But the reality for most people is that they enjoy dating, meeting someone, getting married, having their own home, having babies, raising children - these are not duties you fulfill in return for an eventual payout. If they had never married, never had children, would they really have been happier all those years? What do they think they would have done instead?

Getting married and having children is probably not for most people in all honesty.

It kills relationships and quite frankly brings a level of stress to most people which they would happily do without.

Avoid!!