Husband said our home is a dive

[Hesxboon]

I heard my husband mumbling to himself this morning he was trying to find his shoes and we have a box just full of shoes chucked in out of the way ( under the stairs)
I heard him saying sick of this shit hole it’s just a dive) I feel like rubbish over it! We have children and I do my best everyday to manage everything, it’s always clean yes untidy due to young children but our home is always clean. Theirs two cupboards that are just full of shit from us flinging things in. I have an autistic child and find it hard to do anything when he’s at home so I need him to be at school or baby sat to get anything at all done including even just brushing my own hair! He does not leave me alone, it’s made me feel crap and I’ve heard dh mumbling a few times about things that piss him off how can I approach this with him? It’s made me feel so down

if the tidiness of the house isn’t where he would like it to be, he knows how he can spend this weekend then, right?

Why would it make you feel down? That would imply you think it's your responsibility. It's not. So just agree.

He’s welcome to pitch in! Does he view everything as your responsibility?

I'd suggest to your husband some designated times where he looks after the children so you can focus on the housework.

I would try not to take it to heart and assume dh is blaming you directly.

We have a similar understairs cupboard of doom that is crying out for a good clear out (and both dh and I have been studiously ignoring those cries for a few months now because eughhh).

There's nothing more frustrating than when you're rushing, sweating, unable to find a pair of bloody shoes because of other crap in the way. I'm 100% certain I've probably mumbled loudly about the state of the cupboard. But it's the cupboard of doom itself I'm ranting at, not DH or me.

Hang on, he didn't say that to you directly did he? It sounds like the sort of thing I'd chunter to myself, not blaming anyone necessarily?

What's he like normally?

Send him to ikea to get those shoe stprage cabinets, or tell him to make some himself and shut up

Why is it just your responsibility?
Unless you're at home all day with no dc who are school/childcare and he's at work, then of course it's a joint task!

I moaned this morning after banging my foot on something that wasn’t where it was supposed to be. I wasn’t moaning at anyone in particular, just the mess in general.

Why have you taken this personally? Why is it your problem alone?

It's his house too. If he thinks it's messy maybe he should tidy it. It's not 1950.

i regularly utter this sentiment when I.open a messy cupboard and my house is v far from being a dive. though no show home either just a normal family home. It's just frustration talking so.i really think you are overthinking it . Tell him to sort it our himself if he doesnt like it but I suspect he isn't really that bothered.

I would go mad at him for this and bag up his stuff and tell him to make some storage solutions
He also needs to take dcs out to give you a break now and again (couple of times a week somewhere autism friendly)
one bit of advice though is to declutter as much as you can to save your sanctity

Is he angry because he thinks you should be tidying up more?

Or is he just expressing anger at the limitations of your house? I often say things like that about our house because it's badly designed and there is no good place to store things. I'm constantly tripping over things or opening cupboards that are a total mess and getting frustrated about it. But I don't blame my husband for it at all, so I'd hate if he overheard me and thought I was.

Exactly what I came here to say!

If he's so bothered by it, why doesn't he shift his arse into gear and clean it?

Presumably the cupboards would be less messy without his stuff in them.

Presumably he knows what he needs to do to sort it?

Not exclusively your job. Even if you are a SAHM, weekends are a shared responsibility. You shouldn't be taking it personally as he is just as able to sort it out.

Why is it a reflection on you?

Tell him "we'll sort it this weekend, would you rather do the decluttering or take the kids out so that I can get on with it?"

Or, he can just sort the house out himself? Why is it her job.

In fairness it wasn’t directly said to you so it doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks it’s your fault. It’s everyone’s responsibility to get the house organised not just yours. Does he have a point though? Does the house feel cluttered and disorganised? Would you feel better if you could both tackle it together.

Honestly if you don’t have time to keep on top of it (both of you that is) then go for a ruthless declutter. I loathe cleaning and tidying and am not naturally organised at all but miss people think I am. In reality I just don’t own much stuff anymore. It’s very liberating not having to manage endless crap you don’t need!

Could you address it by saying I heard you muttering about the shoe situation when looking for your shoes, did you want to look into storing them a different way? That way it is on his plate rather than yours. It doesn't have to be a massive argument or commenting about there would be less stuff if he wasn't there as has been suggested up thread. Sometimes things/systems that were put in place a while ago no longer work and you need to change them. Not you, you, but both of you need to talk about these sorts of things and assign responsibility.

Yes, I get your point but maybe it will hit home how much she's been occupied with looking after the children.

This 100% family homes aren't show homes their lived in and that's OK. I also get frustrated and rant when I can't find things but it's nothing personal it's just the reality of life with kids.

Nothing to stop him doing some cleaning and tidying, or paying for some domestic help.

You shouldn't be worrying about how to approach him, just say what you think. Mumbling about things, as he did, is not an attractive trait.