Husband said our home is a dive

[Hesxboon]

I heard my husband mumbling to himself this morning he was trying to find his shoes and we have a box just full of shoes chucked in out of the way ( under the stairs)
I heard him saying sick of this shit hole it’s just a dive) I feel like rubbish over it! We have children and I do my best everyday to manage everything, it’s always clean yes untidy due to young children but our home is always clean. Theirs two cupboards that are just full of shit from us flinging things in. I have an autistic child and find it hard to do anything when he’s at home so I need him to be at school or baby sat to get anything at all done including even just brushing my own hair! He does not leave me alone, it’s made me feel crap and I’ve heard dh mumbling a few times about things that piss him off how can I approach this with him? It’s made me feel so down

I think we can all feel like this it sounds like you’ve taken it to heart but he wasn’t blaming you or criticising you
everyday clutter can be overwhelming
have a chat about working together to get it sorted
just shoving piles of clutter from one place to another when cleaning is pointless

we got a bit disorganised and cluttered made a very depressing environment I can honestly say now spend 1/2 the time on housework

I heard him saying sick of this shit hole it’s just a dive) I feel like rubbish over it!
'Oh, brilliant, darling. It's fine if you tidy up this evening. Where are you going to start?'

Stop feeling like rubbish. Never feel like rubbish again. Every time he complains, even in mutters, ask him what he's going to do about it.

I'd say this

Ah come on have you never been dramatic when in a bad mood? That's the kind of shit I say when I am looking for the second shoe in the cupboard, the house can be spotless and in my short tempered irritation I will dramatically ascertain the house is a tip. I wouldn't take it to heart.

But agree with comments he should chip in as well.

Designate some time for you to take the kids out so he can crack on

Eh? Unless there's backstory, it didn't sound aimed at you.
Sounds like the sort of thing either me or DH would say when the place is a mess, and we wouldn't be expecting the other to do it.
Stop over thinking things.

It sounds like a normal family home. I know my house was a mess when we had little kids.

They have grown up and moved out now and my house is pretty much a show home. Tidy, clean, organised and beautifully decorated. I'd swap it all for the chaotic, loving days of having little kids around!

@Hesxboon don't take it to heart. Most of us have a cupboard of doom. Most of us have too much stuff too, so you need to get down to having a clear out with your DH. Or, he can take the kids out while you do it. Get a big black sack and chuck the rubbishy toys, the old shoes, and stuff you don't need any more. You will then have a large space for the next influx of toys 😁

Easier said than done, but try not to take this personally, as he was talking to himself!

I said similar thing when I can’t find things, rushing or stressing; we live in a normal, relatively clean and organise house

I said we live in a pig house or what a mess. I am not blaming anyone. DH and kids don’t take it personal. Or maybe I am
Blaming all of us.

I'd agree that it's not personal.
But also agree that if he's that bothered he's got a job to do this weekend hasn't he?

Why are you assuming this is aiming at your housekeeping? He’s muttering under his breath in frustration at the situation by the sounds of it, not ranting at you to tidy the cupboard.
I’d chalk it up to morning moodiness and that’d be it.

He can always help to tidy and maintain the space if he is that bothered.

As Pp have already said, things seem more annoying than they really are when you are in a rush or can't find something.

I vent aloud too sometimes but its more at myself than anyone else (because there isn't always anyone around anyway!) Try not to take it personally. You're doing the best you can.

He who notices it, cleans or tidies it.

Thems the rules.

Sorry but WTF?! What is he suggesting that he is going to do to improve the situation? His immature mutterings show exactly who he thinks is responsible for doing this...you. This is not a case of how do you approach it. You have a frank conversation and say you are doing what you can but it is not your sole responsibility and he needs to recheck his attitude and actually lift a finger if he's sick of living in "a dive" or be prepared to pay out for additional help. And that his commenting on this without doing anything about it is completely out of order and his own place would be much more of a dive when you seperate because of his disrespectful attitude unless he shapes up.

I say this to myself about 800 times a day?!

Much sympathy for all of you with cupboards - and drawers - of doom. UK housing is so often inadequate and badly designed for family life. Nowhere near main entry point for coats, hats, school bags, footwear... @Hesxboon Have you looked online at understair storage solutions? Best wishes.

OP dont be so thin skinned - its not a drama

I say that shit all the time about our home

Great strategy - acknowledge the issue, highlight it's a joint responsibility, look for a solution

I wouldn't want shoes piled up in a box, so I think OP and her DH could do with a better arrangement. Her DH wasn't necessarily having a go at her

No, cos then SOME men take advantage of this, pretend not to notice mess / dirt and it becomes the woman's responsibility to sort it

You seem to be taking it personally, but was it directed at you?

I complain about our house being a "shit hole" all the time, because me and DP both put things off for longer than we should. We don't blame each other, it just is what it is. I wish it was cleaner, but I have absolutely no motivation to clean it.

Fuck that. I’d go for a nice day out with the kids while he cleans the house.

Or he gets on with sorting the house out, which he should be doing as its him who has the problem with it.

He can always tidy it to his liking, can’t he?!