Husband said our home is a dive

[Hesxboon]

I heard my husband mumbling to himself this morning he was trying to find his shoes and we have a box just full of shoes chucked in out of the way ( under the stairs)
I heard him saying sick of this shit hole it’s just a dive) I feel like rubbish over it! We have children and I do my best everyday to manage everything, it’s always clean yes untidy due to young children but our home is always clean. Theirs two cupboards that are just full of shit from us flinging things in. I have an autistic child and find it hard to do anything when he’s at home so I need him to be at school or baby sat to get anything at all done including even just brushing my own hair! He does not leave me alone, it’s made me feel crap and I’ve heard dh mumbling a few times about things that piss him off how can I approach this with him? It’s made me feel so down

People like your DH make me sick. Who the does he think he is? King of the castle? And you're his lady in waiting? Fuck that.

Ok suggest tackling head on 'Keith, I keep hearing you muttering about the state of the place every time you can't find your shoes. It's not very nice when I'm doing my best to stay on top of things. What do you suggest we do to make things more organised? Clear out together maybe?'

Excellent point

It's his 'dive' too, how long does he spend tidying every day? If he doesn't want to do that he can hire a cleaner.

Well, I would sit him down. Then calmly explain that although, yes, he does have a Penis, he will be surprised that it will not get in the way of sorting out the bloody shoes. And whilst he's at it, he can also sort out the dc cupboards.

I understand the sentiment.

I wouldn’t get upset OP - just agree as you do.

It seems impossible to sort but it’s not. It’s taken me 3 years of living in this house and it’s only the last few weeks that we are beginning to get organised. That’s only 4 rooms done - kitchen, utility, under the stairs and DPs man cave of tools. But it feels HUGE! It feels so much better.

Is there anyone who can take DC for a day?

Unless he has form for criticising you for things, I'd try to take this as a frustrated chunter while he's rushing.

Can you raise this with him later? Explain you heard him and it made you feel responsible, but that you'd like to talk it through because you don't think you are responsible.

There may or may not be an element of housekeeping to this (in which case the talk is about who will tidy and who will childcare and when) but also it may just be part of living as a family. We have six people in our house, so however tidy things are, there are six people's worth of shoes/coats/hats/books etc etc on the house, and so things are harder to find. It would take an enormous space and ruthless organisation to keep six people's belongings separate enough to enable one person to find their shoes without sorting through other people's shoes .....

So he was saying it to himself? I do that all the time. I hate the fact that our house is so untidy, but there are four of us living here and I blame all of us.

Now if he w as directly blaming you and you alone I’d have something to say about it, but don’t assume he was.

i’m always skeptics when people say it’s untidy but “clean”. I wonder what “clean” looks like to them!

It’s clean because all the untidy bits get throw into designated shit tips and then some areas are clean and tidy but others are completely fucked and in a way it’s actually worse because then you can’t find anything.

As someone chronically untidy and messy I do get all this. I really have to have a good flow in the house of organisation and it take times and is lots of trial and error to get right.

Cheeky fucker, since when is this your sole responsibility to sort out ?
Tell him you heard what he said and you've been thinking about it.
Tell him you agree with him.
Tell him it's getting you down as well.
Tell him not to arrange anything for the weekend maybe even suggest That he sorts a sitter and both of you will get stuck in and give it a good sort out.

Trust me it will make you both feel better.

"Yes - it is a bit of a tip - I look forward to you doing something about it."

Do you think it's a shit heap OP? I'm guessing you do,, otherwise you wouldn't have taken this so much to heart.

I know you have an autistic child but you say he is at school.
Do you work? Does your Dh work full time?

If your child is at school and if your husband works more hours than you, than why don't you spend some time getting things straight-not perfect because that is unrealistic.

If you don't work-and given that your child is in school some of the time-then I think other posters are unreasonable in suggesting he works and sorts the house out while you do neither.

If you work, then would it be possible to set aside two hours every Saturday to sort the house out between you One of you looks after the children and the other does the sorting.

Living in a shit hole-if it is a shit hole-is not good for mental health.

He was mumbling to himself so perhaps it's a note to himself.

The solution for nearly all households is less stuff, watch sort your life out for inspiration. Also unless very destructive (there are children who really cannot be left for 30 seconds) you can work with your children, even with severe disabilities to be able to do things, but you include them in the "activity" yes I've been there, also with an incredibly messy home and I literally had to secure dd into the pushchair to use the toilet! But you develop a system, and less stuff really helps

Don’t worry! Although I would focus on keeping possessions organised rather than cleaning. Tidiness and being able to find things so the working week and weekend can function is much more important to me than say a few crumbs on the floor!

Honestly? I’d tell him to crack on and get organising, because the last time I checked, it was 2024, not 1924 and he was born in the wrong century if he thinks you bend to his will. I’m not sure my DH would survive the vitriol I’d throw at him if he tried this on me

I don’t see the problem? Tell him to stop being an arsehole and help to clean it?!

When I was a SAHM I would get miserably frustrated at times at the state of our home. Partly because I was comparing our lovely family home to those who seemed to have no trouble coping with the children while they and their homes look pristine! I wasn’t moaning at DH out working and I wasn’t moaning at myself unable to keep things smart whilst prioritising the children, well I was a bit, but would realise that’s like blaming the children for preventing me from prioritising the house. In reality it’s just the way our family is. Occasionally we’d decide together okay this weekend it’s a sort things day while taking it in turns to get the children out away from distracting us. I’d suggest bringing up the subject when things are relaxed and sorting suggestions together for dealing with it together, after all it is not all your responsibility.

Don’t let this get you down.
It can be sorted.

I’ve decorated under my stairs and I absolutely love it there now. I painted it all the same colour as the hall, wallpapered the back wall with some colourful wallpaper, put in plenty of hooks, attached boot pegs to the walls lower down, got a clip to hold the mop upright, then had airing cupboard style shelves made. Everyone has their own basket for their own shoes on the shelves.

I make sure we only have coats in there that are likely to be worn. Summer jackets are all back in wardrobes.

BUT make sure your husband helps you because it’s him that seems to have the biggest problem with it.

Maybe he’s like me though and does periodically do a massive tidy when he can’t bear it any longer even though he is working full time and get frustrated when it’s as bad as it ever was 3 days later because the OP and the kids don’t put stuff away and drop things at their ass all day long!