Husband said our home is a dive

[Hesxboon]

I heard my husband mumbling to himself this morning he was trying to find his shoes and we have a box just full of shoes chucked in out of the way ( under the stairs)
I heard him saying sick of this shit hole it’s just a dive) I feel like rubbish over it! We have children and I do my best everyday to manage everything, it’s always clean yes untidy due to young children but our home is always clean. Theirs two cupboards that are just full of shit from us flinging things in. I have an autistic child and find it hard to do anything when he’s at home so I need him to be at school or baby sat to get anything at all done including even just brushing my own hair! He does not leave me alone, it’s made me feel crap and I’ve heard dh mumbling a few times about things that piss him off how can I approach this with him? It’s made me feel so down

Very good post. Sometimes life overtakes us but problems like this need a practical solution, and sitting down together to talk it through is the first step.

That sounds like a typical frustration comment when you can't find something you're looking for. I wouldn't take it too personally. If he's bothered by it he can sort it out. He's well out of line to make that comment though if he doesn't pull his weight in the house

Yes.......approach him, start a discussion about it, and state that the home environment is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

Why not suggest a big 'sort-out' of the dumping spaces that you referred to and make it a joint project to bring some order into them - could even involve the kids in this as I bet some of the stuff is theirs anyway. You might all enjoy working together rather than feeling resentful about the chaos.

You address it this evening when it's calm
"Dh, I got the idea that the state of that cupboard is causing a problem, what's the plan?

He may not be blaming you, just a frustrated rant at not being able to find his shoes. I have similar when I can't find my pen on my work desk because it's piled high with paperwork. Don't take it to heart. Besides, keeping the house tidy should be a joint responsibility, not just yours.

I have some sympathy with him I’m afraid. I work full time in a demanding job and my husband doesn’t work at all. He’s rubbish at keeping the house tidy and even when I do tidy and clean it well, it’s a mess again within a few days because he leaves stuff lying around and doesn’t get the kids to put their stuff away either. It totally stresses me out living in chaos.

I’ve been the SAHM at a different point in my life with 3 small kids one of which was also autistic like yours but honestly it was also better for my ASD child to keep the home clean and ordered.

Are these your normal day to day shoes or ones that don't get worn much?
If it's the day to day shows then you need a better system.
If it's occasional shows, then your dh needs to organise his time better and get things ready the day before.

If things aren't working well in the house, then both of you need to work together to get a better system.

'My husband doesn't work at all'

'Except from taking care of 3 children, one of whom is autistic, so chances are that this is far harder work than a demanding job.'

Well if he mumbled it to himself then I wouldn’t necessarily take it as a reflection on you or assume it’s personal unless he’s actually said other stuff too thar directly blames you. I’m sure I’ve said similar when we’re overdue for a clear out, I’ve been struggling to find something important and am just generally a bit overwhelmed and stressed with life in general! Suggest tackling it together at the weekend maybe?

@Hesxboon tell him it works both ways!! why does he just throw his shoes in the corner instead of putting them away in the bedroom? if he didnt throw them in the corner then you wouldnt need to throw them in a box! he needs to help too not just sit on his backside when he comes in from work! the old saying that a woman's work is never done is so true in this situation!!

Did you ignore the bit of that post where the poster said she was the sahp when the kids were small? She was the one looking after 3 small children and managed the house just fine so it's hardly surprising she's annoyed her husband can't do it when the kids are older.

Every child with autism is different @DaniMontyRae
Mine was so so easy as a toddler because she was as occupied for hours lining up peppa pigs. Much much harder as a teenager and a billion times harder than any job. All are different. Either way, describing a sahp of 3 kids one ND as 'doesn't work at all' is appalling.

Op both my dc have Autism, I know how things can pile up and how difficult it can get.......but I also know how this can make things so much worse in general and how it can affect our dc.

It doesn't sound like he was criticising you, just a general rang. And that's fine. Bring it up with him and how you can both tackle it......I find in my case I have a strict one in one approach. Even if I buy a new tshirt an old one will go in the bin. Junk mail etc is binned straight away.

Washing doesn't build up because it goes straight into the washing machine (( no. I don't separate darks and colours, only whites which tbh I don't really own ))

Clothes for the dc not so much then but I had a very simple and pared back wardrobe so we didn't have mountains of clothes like we did previously.

Toys which weren't played with just went and tried to keep that down to a minimum..

Even the kitchen bin went as that was just another job, instead I had small pedal bin liners in the kitchen, all rubbish and food waste went straight out into the bin.

Small simple tasks which required no effort and yet made a massive difference in stopping my home being a constant shit tip.

As for the cupboard well one of you can take the dc out if thats really needed and one of you can start to tackle it. Be brutal. If it's shoved in a cupboard chances are it's in there because it isn't needed. So if it isn't something you use then get rid of it.

Don't feel bad, I'm tidying up today, my two children are grown, only one here now.No SEN, we still find it hard to keep the house tidy.Just having a chuck out now!
you're doing your best, let him help out I bet there's a lot of his old shoes he diesn't wear lying around under the stairs?

Is it? Maybe the three kids are all grown up and living out of the house now. You've made a lot of assumptions just so you can have a go at the person that posted.

I used to get frustrated with my husband as well, who was a SAHD for nearly a decade. He did the absolute bare minimum when it came to housework, and it would take me getting upset that I was spending my entire weekend getting laundry put away and bathrooms cleaned etc. because he did nothing other than take the kids to school, prepare dinner, and apparently sit around on his arse all day. Luckily all the kids are teens now and he has a job so it's a bit more even.

I (previously we) have several drawers of doom. Every now and then I (previously we) discussed emptying them and maybe (maybe) getting rid of stuff. Mutter, mutter in some quarters. It's not directed at you, OP, just the cupboard. And DH knows what to do if he'd like it tidier...

JFC. Sorry, have I woken up and landed in the 1950’s?

Thank you!

Of the 3 kids, the eldest two (which includes the one with autism) are now in their 20’s and no longer living at home and the youngest is doing his A levels and pretty self sufficient. So “doesn’t work at all” whilst intending to mean doesn’t work outside the home is actually not an inaccurate description of our set up. Which isn’t necessarily the same as the OP’s but if OP doesn’t work outside the home and her children are at school including the one with autism it doesn’t seem unreasonable that she should take more of the housekeeping load than her husband who works full time out of the home.

I think you missed the part which said I’d had personal experience of caring for the children whilst he was out at work so am probably better placed than you to decide which is most demanding. Even if you don’t take into account that I was the one looking after 3 kids one autistic, whereas there is now only 1 child still living at home not autistic and a strapping older teenager

You have my sympathy @Hesxboon my dh has made the same comments in the past and I have no idea why it was just my dedicated job to keep the house clean and tidy! I pulled him up on it nicely as to not start an argument and now we both make plans to sort things out.

I will say the cupboard under the stairs is actually starting to throw things back at us when we open the door and it’s on the list to get it cleaned out before Christmas.

No; men didn't look after their children in the 1950s. Childcare and housework were both the wife's responsibility.

Don't take it personally - sounds like it's his house too (and therefore the state of it is not completely outside of his responsibility) and you are doing as much as you can - unless you are sitting in a mess doing nothing while he is working all day.

Most people's houses are not perfect all of the time and get messy, and trying to find shoes while possibly being late for work probably didn't 100% mean it.

I grumble like that when I can't find anything...and I live alone. Not blaming anyone, just expressing my frustration.

“What do you think we should do about it?” is a well used phrase in my house if someone is moaning like this. Centres it on solutions and involves everyone.

Was it necessarily aimed at you?

I've been known to mutter the same thing and I'm a single parent so I am solely responsible for the chronically disorganised state of our cupboards.