Friends only making contact when they want something

[Magicnestdream]

As per above really, in particular one good 'friend'. We go back to secondary school and have been close friends since. Now in our 40s friendship meet ups much less due to kids, work, and general life. When we have made plans, mainly Christmas or summer they (couple with 2 kids similar age) end up double booking or make additional plans which make then have to rush our plans so they're not late for the next thing, or change our plans we've made to accommodate a 'better offer' as I would call it...
Anyway not heard much from friends lately, odd message to which DD happy birthday kind of thing.
I am lucky enough to have family who works at a music venue and can get us, quite easily all sorts of tickets-music, sport and other. Not free but often it's just getting the availability. My friend in question has benefitted from this massively over the years, more recently she's been hard work as when I get tickets she's acted surprised how much they are (I just pass on list price and don't get involved with buying them) or then changes her mind how many tickets she wants and should she go afterall etc etc. For the record they're always good seats.
Anyway last sorted out some tickets back in September.
Thought it was odd at time as saw a message pop up with How's X and Y and then ..ohhhh can you help me get ....tickets! I did help with those. Nothing since until yesterday. Tells me late last night on way back from x venue, that reminds her can I get tickets for X next year because she can only find standing etc etc and they're too much...
At no point in any of the message is there a 'how are you' or how's the house move going (were trying to move) or hope you're well (got thru breast cancer a year or so ago) or did DD have a nice birthday (just last week)
So am I wrong to feel annoyed by the fact I'm only contacted when she wants something.
Do I, not respond , reply with 'unable to help' or 'unable to help and you're taking the ...".
I did wonder if she realised what's she doing (most probably) so how can I politely point it out in a matter of fact without too much conflict (which I don't do!)
Appreciate your thoughts. My natural way is to help people but actually realising it's a bit of a one way street and I need to be more assertive.
Plus too when she faffs about with changing her mind it takes up my time going back and forth changing details. And when popular tickets get realised I have spent considerable time on phone playing Ticketmaster!

Just send her the thumbs down emoji.

My friend whom I've known for 20 years is like that. He would text "hi how are things?" and next sentence is can I borrow money, usually thousands of pounds. When I engaged and said no, he'd negotiate the amount rather than continuing conversation like a true friend would. I have cut him off as sad as it is because clearly he never valued our friendship if he contacted me only for money. You should do the same. Focus your time on energy on genuine friends.

I would just say "Dave doesn't work there now" and leave it at that. No kisses. I wouldn't tell her anything about my life as I wouldn't want her to think it was a normal friendship.

I really feel for you going through a divorce so soon after a cancer diagnosis. I really hope everything goes well for you 💐

I wouldn't respond anymore. She's such a CF

Based on everything you’ve said, I actually wouldn’t respond at all. You have a huge amount going on in your life and she has zero awareness of it. Time to move on. If she does message again I would only say that you don’t organise tickets anymore and I would leave it at that. No drama but you don’t need to apologise or explain yourself.

Don't respond or at least leave it a week.

Then: "I don't organise tickets any more. It was taking too much time and hassle and a lot of people only seemed to get in touch when they wanted tickets. After surviving cancer I decided life's too short!"

She would have to be very thick skinned not to get the message (though it wouldn't amaze me if she didn't). She might huff off and never contact you again but it sounds like that would be no great loss.

I have a friend who does that, if you say you can do the thing she wants, she replies. If you say you can't as you're ill/busy etc, she replies with a thumbs up

I really like this. Honest and open and she can't argue as she's one of the CF's! Although she may say oh just this once if she's REALLY thick skinned.

weirdly, I've been thinking about this thread overnight! And came on to suggest something similar to @honeylulu. I was going to be a little more passive aggressive so I like her version! . Mine was, "Sorry, I can't do these anymore. there's a lot goign in our lives and all the to and fro was just too much time and effort that I can't face these days. Hope you're well."

I'd have to be restrained from sending back a message saying (if I were in your shoes) "Hi CF Friend, I'm not Ticketmaster. Nowhere in your message did you even ask about me, how I was getting on or anything - just asking about tickets. I've been made aware that my relative who could get tickets in the past can no longer get tickets. Please don't ask me for tickets again as it is becoming very obvious that it is the only reason you contact me. Best of luck with life - @Magicnestdream "

She is a CF of the highest order. Time to put a stop to it.

I’d be a little bit blunt…

”I’ve decided not to do this anymore. Oh well…”

Something that's often said on MN, "No is a complete sentence". One of my major issues has been constantly feeling the need to please people, so even when I try to be assertive and turn someone's request down I often apologise afterwards, I've been having therapy recently and I've learnt that a polite refusal is enough, no excuses, no fictional scenarios, and definitely no apologies !

So many brilliant replies wish I could use them all!!

I went with a fairly short "Hope X concert went well. Would have helped but not doing any more - all got a little crazy and lots on here. Hope all good with you guys "

She has since replied with "oh yes your friend must get so many requests etc so completely understand". Then went on a bit more how good the band were at weekend etc etc and how it was DS first time..ended with a "you all ok '?

Ive not responded...tempted to finish off with ..
"Yes wasn't my friend getting the requests it was me and to be honest started to feel people only contact me when they want tickets!"
(And not mention anything about how I am because not sure she actually cares!!)

Wish I could have been blunter on first message but I'm an overthinker so decided less was more. But I didn't apologise so feel I've made progress!!

Your follow-up sounds perfect OP

It's perfect. Don't respond. She'll know you have seen through her 'you all ok' crap and that she's not actually interested, just hoping she can somehow turn your decision around to her advantage again. Leave it be

I agree you should leave it now. You subtly made your point but can’t be accused of being rude.

I think your response was great. You’ve put a stop to future requests without getting snippy so now you can just distance yourself in a non confrontational way if you want to.

I work in that business OP and I feel your pain!!

Yes she is a CF and I would be interested to see if she makes an effort to keep in touch once you are of no use to her-

You sound lovely by the way - her not so much!!

It's not too late to stand up for yourself. You were too soft.

She said no tho?

Yes I stopped being on tap for my ' friend ' . I was very useful for searching out best deals for energy , house insurance , filling out long forms online . House cleaning when moving , taking to appointments .
Funny that once I stopped being as available , I went from being ' best & mainly only friend ' , to being one of several friends .

I have worked in airline ticketing and now work in a theatre. It’s amazing how many people want to know how I’m going when new shows are announced…. meanwhile, when I had two recent heart surgeries, these people weren’t seen for love or money. A couple of mates who have never asked for a single thing visited me several times in hospital, bringing fresh fruit and salads (my fave) to rescue me from hospital food, and decent coffee. You know who your friends are!

Just felt I should add the latest drama as a follow on to last month.
In my OP I mentioned we used to swap Christmas prezzies and drop by Christmas eve etc but this became less and less over the years. Mainly bec6they over commit and try and do so much they run late or just stand us up for a better offer...
After the ticket fiasco last month not heard from said friend until I get a message ...did we want to meet for a nice festive walk and swap pressies on x date. We were away the suggested weekend and at the time she had messaged my mum was unwell in hospital so couldn't commit to other dates. Anyway due to how she's been the last few years cancelling last minute and changing plans I suggested we'd drop by and see them Christmas eve as was passing after panto and they said they'd be home until mid afternoon... perfect.

All agreed and then I get a message day before saying would we mind if they came to us later in the day as a last minute screening of a film had come up at midday and they really wanted to go to it (!) Id already said previously to them we had plans rest of Christmas eve with church and friends so that was the only time. And knowing last year how she expected us to change our plans continuously as their plans changed I wasn't getting into making alternative arrangements which were likely to change again..
She then asked could we drop by before panto which wasn't possible as panto was an early one so would have been too rushed.
So I had said if they weren't going to be home I'd leave pressies on doorstep to which she replied I could leave with her in-laws who live quite close to save us a bit of a drive. At this point I was a bit fed up with it all...in essence clearly cinema was more important to her than catching up with us.
I gave her a thumbs up and duly delivered prezzies to the in-laws.
No thankyou or anything.
So makes me think this is all very pointless for someone who doesn't want to be sociable (unless after tickets!) so to avoid the drama next year we're going to stop buying gifts (only kids anyway ) . Would you give her heads up now and why?

Wait until around October and just message her and say you want to knock the gift giving on the head.
Don't explain, you don't owe her anything.

Absolutely.
I'm having a cull of present recipients next year. If there's no thank yous for this year's gifts, they're off the list. If a text is too much effort, fuck 'em. 😁