Sisters dil birthday gift

[Livinglifetoday]

My sister called me almost in tears. A year ago she gave her dil a bag for her birthday in the style & colour she always uses. She was disappointed she never saw her using it but never said anything. Last night during a visit her dil said this bag (old one) is done I'll need to fork out for a new one. My sister said I gave you a bag similar for your birthday last year, was it OK. Dil blanked the question & spoke about something else. I'm usually quite good at being diplomatic but this got to me. They get on well but she has a habit depending on her mood of behaving like this occasionally. My sister is the sweetest person & wouldn't hurt a fly but I'm lost as to what to advise her. WWYD

Can't you see that DIL was probably stressed and instead of taking it as a nice gesture & you trying to help, saw it as a criticism? Lots of people are sensitive about their parenting or can be snappy when they feel got at.

It's not her "being in a mood" for no reason, it's probably misunderstanding your intention or being stressed by her child. Or both.

Perhaps you don't come over as well as you think you do, and your sister either, from her perspective. After all, here you are tearing her down on the internet so you haven't exactly got her back.

If someone offered to help me during those phases at a function I would have accepted with grace. I'm pleased I'm not the type to think badly about people's kind gestures especially offers of help if I was struggling. FWIW in no way am I tearing her down. I've said she's lovely on lots of posts but is inclined to bad moods which affect others. Asking for help in how best to cope is not tearing someone down.

Through therapy all I’ve learned is how I can react to the sudden bad moods because you can’t change them.
Doesn’t make it right.
If it were my sister I would tell her to stop being so amenable handing over cash to someone who changes mood like the winds. Its like she’s paying to be insulted.
She can ask if her DIL is okay and what is bothering her.
Or she can set up a boundary and tell her that she shouldn’t be taking a bad mood out on her.
As far as I can see this young woman on occasion is being rude and is continuing to do so as there are no consequences for her.
Unless your sister can detach herself or set up a boundary, it will keep happening.

Anyway I can see now as a pp said there is no point in expecting mil support here.After all they are evil monsters with not a good bone in their bodies 🤣 I'm grateful I have a brilliant relationship with my dil as does my sister. She's asked for advice on how to help her when she's in one of her moods. That's called caring. This thread has proved to me not everyone is as fortunate in their relationships with in laws,sad really.

Excellent post, thank you

Based on your passive-aggressive responses to replies about this incredibly trivial matter, I suspect the DIL (sounding increasingly like she might be your DIL) is reacting with the correct amount of grace to your 'kindness' and knows exactly how she is spoken about behind her back. When people are prickly it is wise to handle them with caution. You and 'your sister' might benefit from some introspection.

This thread has proved to me not everyone is as fortunate in their relationships with in laws,sad really.

And now you’re deflecting, making it out like it’s US who have the problem, and it’s “sad really” for us, even though this post is all about the problems in your family.

Your responses seem to indicate that you believe that the way your 'close' family 'cares' about everything is the only correct way. That everyone should accept that everything is done with the best of intentions and people are only getting involved because they 'care'. This is fine when you grow up in a family like this but from your comment that your sister's dil's moods are often triggered by her mother it sounds like the dil did not grow up in a family like this. If she grew up with veiled criticism and passive aggresive behaviour that is what she will see, simply because that is what she is used too.

It is incredibly difficult to enter a family that does things very different to your own. Especially when the family you are entering see their way as the only correct way.

Would love to hear the DIL side of these interactions! Perhaps your sister could be happy that they get on brilliantly most of the time? Neither of your examples of the bag, or snapping back at interference at the wedding sound particularly awful. Calling you up in tears because your sister didn’t get the response she wanted on the bag actually sounds a more challenging personality than someone who has tried to avoid conflict and just grey rocked the bag conversation.

Actually my sisters dil is my concern as is my sister. We are family & my sister is like a twin. Her issues are my issues until we solve it so yes it probably does come across this is my dil. It's not. The responses I've had from posters who do actually get this is the advice I will pass on to my sister. The rest of the posts are mostly people making up their own narrative to support their disdain of in-laws,especially the beastly mil

I completely agree with this viewpoint. I’m sure your offer was kindly meant but have we not all snapped or come across badly in times where we’ve felt stressed and overwhelmed? Perhaps you’ll say you haven’t op, but I’m certainly not that perfect! I just don’t think any of your examples are worth all this upset and aggro!
Also, for what it’s worth, I adore my MIL. No MIL prejudice here! I have, however, probably snapped at her or ‘taken a tone’ once or twice in the past.. that doesn’t make me a bad person nor does it indicate any bigger issues. I’m certainly not perimenopausal anyway(!)

Haha me too, my MIL is wonderful and I’m so lucky to have here, but there are times she can grate and irritate me and I may snap, but this is all very normal! I’m 35 and also certainly not peri menopausal!

You are sounding increasingly bonkers with every snippy reply, OP.

Wow, you are responding very unpleasantly to people trying to help!

There’s not only your possible interpretation of events. Other interpretations may help you and your sister be less upset by the DIL’s responses and see how things might look from her point of view.

I'd say it's more likely that, rather than perimenopause, her moods are down to having an emotionally unstable MIL and weirdly over invested MIL's sister who thinks it's ok to diagnose people with premature menopause because they have a few bad moods.

It was practically the same style as the one she has.

I know that I am very, picky about my clothes and all accessories. I can think of lots of reasons it might not be 'perfect'

There is a reason for the 'resents' word in presents.

but in my family one person's issue is everyone's issue & we pile in to help each other.

Goodness, so many reasons to hate this approach that I'm starting to feel even more sorry for the DiL. That really would not work for me. At all.

Hope DiL finds enough self control to continue ignoring her DH's family and doesn't take to anything more violent as well they might

if she would like me to take the toddler for a walk in the pram as she was having trouble settling her.

I'm really not confident that this illustrates what you think it shows. I see a woman having some trouble with a toddler (and I think we have all been there) while a woman relative chooses to highlight that trouble and clearly thinks that (woman relative) would have no trouble if only they were given the opportunity to demonstrate their superior parenting skills on a fractious toddle.

Does that interpretation surprise you? Yeah, right ?

If someone offered to help me during those phases at a function I would have accepted with grace

And yet, and yet, here on an anonymous web site you genuinely can't see how other people's interpretation of events might be different to yours.

Interesting that, isn't it?

The fact her DH has also openly admitted her sporadic moods are hard to cope with at times obviously means nothing to people here who are obviously inventing their own narrative. He copes because he loves her as does my sister, end of folks.

You seem particularly harsh on your sister's DIL. I think you should try and see things from her perspective.

I don't wish this to be blown out of proportion. She is a wonderful mother & wife. She has also been brought up to believe she should get everything she wants & demands it hence the moods if the expectations aren't met. Nobody is perfect & this is the side of her my sister finds difficult. It's no big deal. We all love her regardless .

You all sound a bit over-involved in each other’s lives and business, to be honest. That would be enough to put me in a mood! I like my family a lot, but I don’t like it when people discuss other people because I’d hate to feel they’d ever discuss me!

Sometimes gifts are disappointing to the receiver, for all kinds of reasons, but I’d bet the moodiness is much more tied to overbearing behaviors. My grandmother is a bit like this, she brings up things that happened months ago that no one has given a second thought to since and then is offended that you’d completely forgotten about it.

@Livinglifetoday

Nobody is perfect & this is the side of her my sister finds difficult.
Nobody is perfect indeed. What is the side of your DSIS that her DIL might find difficult?

The examples you’ve given aren’t really examples of unprovoked moods… They’re examples of you and your sister putting the DIL on the spot and her reactions to those inputs.

I hope you’ve changed a lot of details as if the DIL sees this and recognises herself in the thread then it’s not going to help at all. More likely throw a bomb into the relationship 😬

In your gentlest tone, tell your sister that she either challenges the behaviour she doesn’t like or she stops stressing about a relationship the relationship with her DIL. She can’t change her DIL but she a) doesn’t have to try so hard and b) can stop waiting for her DIL to change, both of these are in her control.

See, I don't get this. On one hand you say this behaviour has just been brought to your attention. On the other, you know her husband finds her difficult and you know she's basically been raised a spoilt brat. That one phone conversation with your sister really delved the depths.

I'm thinking she may not be the problem.