Sisters dil birthday gift

[Livinglifetoday]

My sister called me almost in tears. A year ago she gave her dil a bag for her birthday in the style & colour she always uses. She was disappointed she never saw her using it but never said anything. Last night during a visit her dil said this bag (old one) is done I'll need to fork out for a new one. My sister said I gave you a bag similar for your birthday last year, was it OK. Dil blanked the question & spoke about something else. I'm usually quite good at being diplomatic but this got to me. They get on well but she has a habit depending on her mood of behaving like this occasionally. My sister is the sweetest person & wouldn't hurt a fly but I'm lost as to what to advise her. WWYD

OK then....
"Omg!.what a wicked, horrible, dragon of a harridan. She's clearly evil and undeserving of her I laws!!''

Better?

@Livinglifetoday
Sorry I mixed up SIL and DIL, reading small print on my phone and I think I need my eyes tested!

What a horrible reply. I've said they mostly get on brilliantly but the moods are hard to take. If this is your best advice I'll move on thanks.

We all do that at times. I've never asked for advice here as I usually work it out but this one got to me. It's difficult to know how to treat people who are really lovely but also really moody & you don't know which one you will get on the day. At least that's what my sister describes & I believe her because I've witnessed it.

I do think you're ignoring that your sister's question about the bag could be seen as a dig.

Obviously it wasn't to DILs taste for whatever reason, otherwise she'd have used it. So bringing it up was a bit awkward.

I'm sure the bag was a lovely thought, but fell flat for some reason. Sister needs to let it go and be OK with the fact she didn't quite get the gift right. Probably stick to vouchers or whatever in future.

As for "moody" people, probably best to cut it short or focus on other people if the person seems out of sorts.

In the example you gave, of the bag, what would have been an acceptable response that wouldn't have created a awkward situation?

'Yes, but I don't like the one you gave me.'

'I completely forgot about the birthday present you've clearly been thinking about since last year.'

'I used your gift and immediately damaged it beyond repair and haven't mentioned it. '

Any of those could be true, but if she hasn't used the bag, it's because she doesn't love the bag.

Your sister bringing it up in front of people was an attempt to force her to admit/acknowledge that which is definitely going to create awkwardness.

You might think the situation with the bag is just an example, but if your sister often puts her DIL on the spot or forces her into conversations that aren't going to go well, then I can see why she juts ignores that line of questioning.

My sister said this in response to her feeling bad about having to "fork out" for another bag. She was concerned about her spending money when they are not that well off. She often gives them financial help towards a holiday. Anyone who thinks this was said in anything other than concern don't know my sisters type.

My response to the question would have been "yes I forgot you gave me that. it was lovely. I'll need to dig it out it'll save me buying another one"

Even if your sister meant we'll, what could the DIL have said that wouldn't have been awkward?

I would feel awkward being forced to admit that I completely forgot about a gift my MIL had given me.

See above

Is your sister you?

You may think your sister's motivations are obviously well-intentioned to everyone but I think that is quite naive.

People can perceive things quite differently than we think sometimes.

No my sister is not me. I have a wonderful relationship with my dil, so does my sister with hers. It's just her moods she finds hard to cope with & I was trying to help by asking for advice as people do here, or so I thought.

I've said I think she's going into early menopause.

But periodically moody isn't explaining why she wouldn't ever use the bag if she liked it.

She is usually very nice you have said so if she liked the bag then she would have used it.

I get that but it's about more than that. I'm now thinking the moods could be to do with perimenopause

You seem unnaturally over-involved in a nothing incident that isn’t your concern. Your Dsis seems to be very sensitive to her DIL’s perceived ‘moods’. I have a family member who can be a bit moody at times, but I just leave them to it and let it go over my head. It’s a them problem. Maybe talk to your sister about how she can learn to not take things so personally. I’m sure we’ve all bought gifts that the recipient didn’t like, it might be a bit disappointing but it’s not a big problem.

My response to the question would have been "yes I forgot you gave me that. it was lovely. I'll need to dig it out it'll save me buying another one"
Well could be a hopeless response if you had not liked the bag and had returned it to the shop or given it away or simply didn't want to use it because you had moved on from that style and just used the old one because you already owned it but really didn't want another one

Your response wouldn't work at all.

Or maybe it's from having every little thing she does over-analysed, discussed, judged and ultimately diagnosed. 😂

I get that but it's about more than that. I'm now thinking the moods could be to do with perimenopause
So your thread is not about the bag situation? It's about your ds sil in general you are wanting to discuss? What actually is your thread about and what are you asking please

OK,accepted. As far as the poster who said I'm being over involved I also accept that but in my family one person's issue is everyone's issue & we pile in to help each other.

My response to the question would have been "yes I forgot you gave me that. it was lovely. I'll need to dig it out it'll save me buying another one"

But then she'd have to use a bag she doesn't like.

I'm trying to help my sister find a way to cope with her dil moods,thats all.The bag issue just brought it to a head last night & my sister called to ask me what I would under the circumstances. I said in my initial post there is a history of this type of moody behaviour,it's not a one off.

Anyway I'm gathering nobody has any constructive advice on dealing with people with unpredictable moods so I'll leave it there. I'm going to call my sister to mention my latest thought that it could be perimenopause. At least that's something that's come out of posting this thread as I hadn't thought of this before.

The DIL may be awkward but in this instance she hasn't done anything wrong. There's no obligation on her to like or use a present.

Nothing for your sister to do other than move on as if it ever happened. She would be in the wrong to do anything else.

I think what you're failing to see is that the 'history of moody behaviour' might actually be a 'history of your sister putting her on the spot' and the apparent moodiness is her taking the decision not to rise to what she probably sees as your sister trying to make her look bad.

Because it honestly does come across as though your sister wanted to sort of force her into admitting she didn't like the bag or force her into using it in her presence, neither of which are particularly kind.

Jesus Christ don't do that. Imagine hearing your MIL and her sister have decided you must be menopausal because you're moody!

The only thing your sister can do is nod and smile.