When was the moment you realised you fell out of love ?

[imnina]

I’m honestly curious :

• how do you know when you have fallen out of love ?
• is it based of hormones ?
• being bored of repeating yourself ?

Please explain !!

Mine was a specific event. We had been together for 7 years, 2 kids and generally I felt a bit unfulfilled but rationalised a lot out that these were difficult years etc etc.

Anyway, DS was 6months old and unwell. We had a really difficult time with him and doctors were trying various things. I had taken DS to regular appointment, when he was so unwell they admitted him for tests. The tests showed an issue that needed emergency surgery. ExH was too busy to leave work and get me some clothes from home or any money so we went to specialist hospital with what I had packed for the day, over an hour away from home. He came up for the surgery a week later, we went for a walk and he wanted to stop for food. As he was eating ( I couldn't eat and hadn't eaten properly for ages due to the stress of the situation) the pager bleeped telling us to go to recovery urgently. ExH rolled his eyes and asked to meet me back at the ward as he wanted to finish his lunch. It was at that moment, when I ran across the cafe alone that I realised I no longer loved him.
Still stayed for another 8 years though.

What a nasty wanker. He doesn't deserve to be anyone's dad or husband.

I dont really think of it as in love or out of love. I love my husband. I don't aways like him. I think it peak's and troughs. We've been together for 15 years. I think it's unreasonable to expect to be passionately in love for all that time.

Mine was death by a thousand cuts.

he was just so useless. I remember incidents where he forgot who we banked with, where I worked (community nhs base). I carried all the mental load. He wasn’t very intelligent and I just thought I couldn’t imagine staying.

The final straw was something really inconsequential. On a family day out where I had done EVERYTHING and he forgot the nappy bag. He went back to the car and I asked him to grab the water too.

he sort of loafed away then slowly returned with the water but not the nappy bag.

I think looking back he probably has ADHD but it made me fall out of love whatever it was.

My penny drop moment was really stupid. Drinking with friends and somehow the question was posed who would you give a kidney to husband or best friend and the answer was best friend as I knew she'd always be part of my life and I didn't have the same confidence about husband. Marriage limped on for a bit and ultimately ended when I discovered his affair but for me that was the moment I knew it was over.
I'm now married to someone else who baring our children needing it would absolutely get my kidney.

Imo (barring abuse and genuinely knowing you no longer love someone in your gut) love is a choice. It's a doing word. So it's fortified by what you both do to nurture it.

It was having a discussion with friends about how we all preferred it when our husbands were away. I remember thinking what on Earth are we still with them for them? I think for some of those on the discussion it was just some temporary peace that they meant, but for others including me, it was a 'permanently please' situation.

Like other posters, it was a specific moment. I needed to go for a punch biopsy for cervical changes when DS was a few months old. ExDP was supposed to have DS for an hour whilst I went to the appointment, but took himself off to the pub at lunchtime and came back half cut. Couldn’t leave DS with him. Had to have the biopsy with baby on my chest as he wouldn’t stop crying and every time he cried my milk let down, and I was a mess and he was a mess but I REALLY needed the biopsy. Left a few months later after a few similar incidents, but stopped loving him in that exact moment.

Specific events each and every time.

Except for one. His behaviour was truly appalling but for some reason, although splitting up 8 months ago and no contact, I still love.

My behaviour changed on the back of being with him, and I didn't like who I'd become. My fall out of love moment was the night of our anniversary - we went out and when I got into bed next to him I felt numb. It was about 10pm and I was only 26 so went out to meet friends who were also out and left him in bed unbothered. Best lightbulb moment ever.

@TiredEyesToday that is truly appalling! I'm so sorry

There were so many moments, one was getting pissed at our children's joint birthday party leaving me to do everything own ( birthdays are a week apart and they were under five lots of friends and their parents to look after) We'd hire a room at the local pub and he was meant helping with party games and filming some it,mainly when we were going sing happy birthday & the blowing the candles out on their cakes, it turned out a blurry mess of all sorts of rubbish. He left me to clear up and get the kids home while he fecked off out on the town.
The one that really got to me was leaving me alone to cope with 2 sick children while I was really ill myself on a New Years eve. I wasn't bothered about myself I was just worried that I wouldn't be able to see to them if they needed anything as I was so weak. I couldn't believe he wouldn't stay home and make sure they were ok and their needs were met. He couldn't wait to get out the door,the selfish bastard

When our 5 year old appeared in our bedroom feeling unwell in the early hours and was promptly sick on the carpet just inside the bedroom door. I jumped out of bed, took him to the bathroom, cleaned him up and settled him back to bed . (Ex) husband had just rolled over and gone back to sleep. The sick puddle was still on the carpet.

Still in love, here, 30 years on. These stories are horrifying and so sad.

When I found out he had registered for online dating sites. We were in financially difficult situation, i was studying full time, 3young kids and he did not work. He complained daily he had no money to even get milk, yet had registered on multiple dating sites costing about £50 each.

Not sure when I fell out of love or indeed if I was ever IN love with ex-DP, but I realised he was not the guy for me while on a solo trip to France. I was drinking beer, sitting outside, reflecting on my life (as you do) and I burst into hot, angry tears when I realised I had been having sex I didn't want to have for the past year. It was like I had been raping myself for the sake of the relationship but burying my feelings about it.

We broke up a year later.

Was living with a guy just after lockdown started. It was fine..... at first. He kept dropping hints about getting married......but he hasn't divorced his wife!! Two years later he still hadn't done anything about it. I was doing all of the life admin and he was doing jack so bye bye

I’m sure there were moments before this but I received messages from an anonymous account wishing me dead and later realised it was him

@eRobin how horrible for you!!

There was no joy in the relationship anymore, his negativity was draining me. I'd lost all sexual attraction towards him - maybe because of that, and couldn't see it returning. I cared about him as a friend but had no romantic feelings towards him.

My ex wrung every last piece of emotional drama out of me. He was never happy unless he was getting attention, sympathy, and praise. If he needed to be deeply unpleasant to get it, he would.

His finale was yet another dramatic dumping, along with a copy and pasted lists of ways I didn't make him happy. It had the same grammatical errors as previous lists he had sent me.

I gracefully accepted the dumping, blocked him, and never said one word to him ever again. He still begs me to this day to speak to him, but I don't care if he lives or dies. I feel absolutely nothing except relief. I haven't cried one tear for him.

When he went off for a week to stay with another woman (who he later ended up moving in with) and I realised it was the least stressful week I'd had in years, even though I was left juggling work and childcare.

I still struggle with my last break up. He was my first long term, living with partner. He was a good guy but also did some hurtful things. Mostly surrounding his ex (inappropriate messaging, meeting up for lunch without me knowing etc).

We lasted 11 years but in the final couple of years, though I loved him, I felt no passion. I don’t know when I first noticed it. I was uncomfortable having sex with him, to the point sometimes I’d have tears in my eyes.

I still care very much for him, he did a lot a for me, and I do hope one day when both our pain is less we could be friends. I still hurt over it and more so hurt having seen how hurt he was when I broke up with him.

For me bullet points 2 and 3 are essentially the same.

"Bored" is a label that we attached to sensations and sensations are hormonal/chemical.

for me one of my friends said - you are going to be 30 next year!!!

All I could think was, I cannot turn 30 feeling so unhappy in my life and started to reflect on things. Then a series of things happened either previous to this or after that helped to solidify in my mind what was wrong it was my H.

I had a long work day (flew to Scotland and back in a day for a presentation) when I arrived home after leaving at 5am and it being 10pm - he complained I hadnt left him any food.

Then he complained I hadnt ironed his work clothes, I said I never iron them, he said that his mum had pointed out his clothes were creased and blamed me. He hadnt noticed before.

The above 2 made me realised he wanted me to be his mum.

When he shouted C**T loudly in a screwfix car park because the battery stopped working on his car door key.

When I accidentally broke a tap and he shouted, yelled and threw things in anger at me for breaking something that was on its way out.

Many similar incidents made me realise he was aggressive, verbally abuse and nasty.

When we just moved into our dream home and we both had the week off to upack and decorate a few rooms. He had a better offer and went off with his friends to play Pokemon Go. Seriously. It happened 2 days in a row.

I realised I married a manchild and had taken on a hefty mortgage with a total moron.

The final straw was when I put some make up on to go out with him and he snarled at me ''who are you trying to look pretty for'' I still went to his hobby event. There was a woman there, (with the same name as me) who gave me daggers all evening. I asked him to leave a week after this, eight months later that woman gave birth to his child. BUT he never cheated on me.... apparently.

I am well rid. It took me more time to build the courage and reflect and prepare for the flurry of crap hurled my way for breaking up a marriage.