When was the moment you realised you fell out of love ?

[imnina]

I’m honestly curious :

• how do you know when you have fallen out of love ?
• is it based of hormones ?
• being bored of repeating yourself ?

Please explain !!

Just wow. That is the coldest story I’ve ever heard. And I watch a LOT of programmes about psychopaths and serial killers.

I felt the same way the night before I broke up with my ex. I had to go and wash in the shower when he was asleep, I felt disgusted to have him on my skin. I don’t think I ever properly loved him.

I'm at a place of trying to explain this to my STBX...four weeks on from leaving, ten months on from first telling him. He won't understand, but I have recently found a website which had a list of factors on it and I could agree with all of them, but there was a pivitol moment for me which made me realise that, and that was the month long intentional stone walling of me and my daughter over decorating her bedroom against his wishes.

www.fatherly.com/life/falling-out-of-love-advice

After he’d dumped me (after 19 years together and 2 kids) and I realised after the initial pain and upheaval that he’d done me a favour.

I’m so sorry for all of you. I am gobsmacked you and your children have been treated like this. You all deserve better. And I hope you find or have found them.

Last XP. I had been pouring out my heart about some issue that had impacted me deeply and emotionally. I stopped and asked him (as he looked pensive and a little troubled) what he was thinking.

His reply? 'Whether or not to get an automatic next time round, or whether another manual gear box might be better.'

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but it killed any fond feelings stone dead.

I'd run myself a bath. Exh was moaning to quickly shower so I let him and waited. I heard him finish his shower and thought he'd left the bathroom. I walked in on him urinating into my bath water. I backed out unheard and he walked out and saw me. Told me to get in my bath before it goes cold. That was the level of disrespect he had for me.

DH was being uncharacteristically kind as he left for work (I was looking after baby) and told me how much he loved me. I later found a receipt for an expensive restaurant in the fruit bowl. We were hard up and never ate out. Not even hidden. For a meal for 2. I think he wanted me to find it for the next stage.

He told me that he had taken a female work colleague for lunch and he had paid as she was junior. But it was OK because an older female colleague had acted as chaperone. They had later gone to the park (with the chaperone who sat at a discreet distance) whilst he regaled the younger colleague with stories of shooting stars in the Western desert (our honeymoon).

What utter crap. Chaperone! What century did he think we lived in? How stupid did he think I was? He used our honeymoon to seduce a young woman? I lost all love and respect for him there and then. It was a long time coming but finally he repulsed me.

TBH he had made crap excuses in the past so maybe he did think I'd buy it. But for me it was the final straw.

Abusive bastard so it took years to leave. I think that's what damaged the most. Having to stay with a man I hated with 2 SEND DC until I could find a way to leave. Don't be me.

How did your breakup go

@Showerflowers good grief- I hope you pissed on his toothbrush!!

Nope. I made plans to leave him but he did something that meant I had to suddenly leave not long after. I'd never stoop to his level.

I'm lying I bloody would stoop, right over his grave once he's gone to hell 😁

When DD was little and in hospital (really unwell) he told me he was jealous of all the attention I was giving her.

What a prick.

@eRobin he ignored me. Said I would eventually realise he was one of the good guys. That's a scary thought. My feelings meant nothing. He refused to leave. Even when we had separate rooms he would insist on putting his dressing gown in my room because he was coming back.

In the end DS1 brought it to a head. He refused to acknowledge or speak to his dad. I said will never choose you over my son and he left without a fight. He achieved what I never could. DS1 has never spoken to him since. Nearly 5 years now.

I have since done the WA freedom programme and know what a horror he was but I still feel guilty that ultimately my son made him leave. But I know that in his mind a 17 year old boy has more status than an adult woman.

I still find it hard to be so disregarded. I was treated by my ex as useless and worthless but he was happy to leave DS2 in my sole custody and didn't have a single overnight. DS2 is now at university doing masters engineering degree after I HE for 6 years. Not too shabby.

Divorce was delayed due to SEN and DH was on board and reasonable as it was in his interests. But now he has switched to nasty again. He has a new girlfriend. There is such an extreme switch. People that have a moral compass or their own values are not like this. Steer clear of people like this. They lovebomb but are essentially toxic. My husband has stopped maintenance. He was angry he would not keep 100% of pension.

He claims he is living month to month despite cohabiting and can't afford mediation, despite insisting on mediation. He has 'saved' about £3k since July due to not paying spousal or child maintenance. I am on UC but he wants me to pay for his pension valuation. He does not want to support his sons. He is not one of the good guys.

Couple of things,
1.Being the self appointed driving police flashing lights and beeping at drivers he thought were ignoring speed limits. I would be fucking mortified and want the earth to swallow me up.

2.In his mid 40s started to 'forget' to flush the loo after peeing, when I called him out on it he blamed our 10yr old dc - who has always managed to locate the flush button.

3.Buying me a cheap knock-off for Xmas that I knew at first glance wasn't legit. He denied despite me giving him loads of opportunities to admit it ( I would have been pissed off, but ok). So I checked his emails- lo and behold he bought it for peanuts on Ebay along with a separate purchase for a genuine empty box to wrap it in.
Lying repeatedly to my face killed anything I once felt for him stone dead.

4.The sex was increasingly rare and when we did fuck piv lasted all of 5 seconds.

The relief and freedom when he left was amazing, no man-child to take up my time and it was like a massive weight lifted from my shoulders.
Phew sorry that was a lot! He really is a useless prick😂

I love my husband. I am not ‘in love’ with him. He is a good man, we laugh, we parent well and we have a lot of fun. I learnt a LONG time ago that that is worth more than the ‘in love’ bs that led me into a lot of poor relationships when I was young. Love is a verb it’s action based and reciprocated.

i have seen people leave really great relationships for ‘in love’ chemical highs and that’s a mistake.

BUT if you’re not experiencing loving actions then I’d say get out.

What the fuck. That's appalling

There are a few moments when my love for him withered that little bit more, i tried to tell
him and he didn’t listen until it was too late.

• Leaving me upset when trying to talk to him about our issues
• Not caring, coming with me or supporting me when I had a medical procedure done that I was really worried about (gynae related)
• My sports team were in a final while we were out and about on our way to do something he wanted to do, I wanted to drop into the pub to watch the last bit of it, he refused as he didn’t want to and he laughed at me when I found out the opposition had scored and was really patronising and dismissive of my happiness when my team got the winner (not that deep on the surface, but he was like this with everything I liked that he didn’t)
• Completely ignoring my friends who I had invited round for dinner, we were in the same room and he just put his headphones on and sat there doing his own thing like we weren’t there.

A memorable year marked the beginning of the end.

My ex-husband went on a sporting tour at the beginning of the year for six weeks at huge expense. I got pregnant when he returned. I thought he would be pleased and supportive as it was planned.

Nope, the rest of the year was all about him.

He played a full season of sport (six months) then booked himself in for an operation on a previous sporting injury. He expected me to drive him back and forwards for physio whilst heavily pregnant.

No holiday for me, didn't have the money to go anywhere.

He didn't attend a single antenatal group. Getting him to join me for scans was like asking for a kidney. Always an excuse. Showed no excitement about the baby. Wouldn't talk about it. Like it wasn't happening.

Guilt tripped me into attending court two hours away for speeding offences, brink of losing his license and his job. Think I was the sympathy ploy to avoid being banned. It worked.

Spent the birth flirting and joking with the nurses. Never held my hand or advocated for me when the epidural failed. Pointless him being there really.

Went straight back to work the following day because he had 'a meeting he couldn't miss'. Decided the rest of the week would be the best time to finish tiling the bathroom he'd ignored for the rest of the year due to his sport. I was left to it, breast feeding, stitches, recovering from surgery. I have never felt so alone.

He didn't tell anyone about the baby. I had to send cards to friends to let them know. Didn't make me a single drink or meal at home until the health visitor shamed him.

Went on another sporting tour two months after I gave birth. I didn't care anymore by then. He'd killed off any feelings for him.

Why did I put up with it? Because my family thought he was wonderful and wouldn't hear any criticism of him. I had no one in my corner. I lasted a dozen more years until I got the courage to get rid of him. Best decision ever although everyone around me couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with such a catch!

When a much-loved aunt of mine was dying, I cancelled a planned evening in watching a movie with him to be at her bedside. And he was furious. He repeated “ok Sammy, ok” with a controlled fury that was terrifying. He was of no support over the next few days, but sent a few trite “thinking of you at this difficult time” type texts. Then the evening after her burial, (I’m in Ireland so she was buried 2 days after she died) he texted “well, have ye put her in the ground?” . I dumped him the next day.

Some of these are so horrible :( I think mine is having him punch a wall multiple times then came up with his fists in my face after having made me get out of bed when really ill to do everything for dog/ cook dinner etc. He then got ill and expected to stay in bed all day when I was still ill while commenting on how I dealt with the dog which started an argument. I'm still here but trying to find the courage to get out

There were so many things wrong, so many incidents of disrespect and just aggression.

I realised how far wrong it had gone when I realised I was disappointed when he pulled up on the driveway having driven safely home. I just couldn’t see a way out.

Found my inner strength eventually when he kicked the living shit out of me.

This is how it is for me too, he drives me nuts but it's usually when I'm not feeling 100% or am overwhelmed. I liken it to when our teens gob off at us because they are stressed/upset because we're their safe space.

Seeing them repeatedly perve and sleaze on others, especially young tiny women. Killed it stone dead. And I really loved him!

@TheHistorian I totally get this- my first H had some similar traits -I remember my gran asked why I had chosen to leave and said 'well he doesn't keep you short of money or hit you and more than once I've seen him in the chip shop queue at 7.30 after work-

Yep gran- that's because he wanted something quick so he could get off down the pub etc

Other people aren't married to them and seem to not get that they aren't seeing the full story

Lots of little things. But I actually ended it when I realised I would never have sex with him again- I couldn’t stand the thought of it.