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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH resents me, how do we get past this?

82 replies

MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 12:52

My DH resents me and can’t get past it. We moved to a different city to be closer to my family (and for a better quality of life). My DH never wanted to move but I pushed for it and he agreed.

He hates where we live and is lonely and miserable. He blames me and says he resents me.

This js putting a massive strain on our relationship. I don’t feel like DH really loves me anymore, and he’s so miserable and short tempered.

I don’t want to move, with young kids having family support is invaluable (DH doesn’t have wider family for suppport like I do), and I think where we live now is a much nicer place to raise a family.

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).

How do we get past this? I feel like it’s going to eat away at and destroy our marriage.

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 21/11/2024 13:01

I lived abroad for a few years, and up to about 6 months it was new and wonderful.The 6 to 12 month stage is the hardest. And I wanted to be there!
Your DH is going through the worst of it now. He's lost all his anchor points, it no longer feels a bit like being on holiday, and it wasn't his choice to move. Hopefully he will start to make an effort to join things and find his place, but you can't expect him to be loving it at this point. Give him the time he has asked for.

Droppit · 21/11/2024 13:01

I feel your frustration. Why does he not value family support and the fact it's a better place to raise kids as much as you do? (I'm wondering if the burden of childcare lies more with you and therefore it benefits you more than him?)

I agree that couples therapy is the best route here and I would be pushing for it every time he moans about it. (I wonder if he is reluctant to do it because he is worried a third party might think he is being selfish?)

Original poster
MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 13:07

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 21/11/2024 13:01

I lived abroad for a few years, and up to about 6 months it was new and wonderful.The 6 to 12 month stage is the hardest. And I wanted to be there!
Your DH is going through the worst of it now. He's lost all his anchor points, it no longer feels a bit like being on holiday, and it wasn't his choice to move. Hopefully he will start to make an effort to join things and find his place, but you can't expect him to be loving it at this point. Give him the time he has asked for.

I keep thinking he’ll come round but I worry that if he’s already decided he hates it he’ll never come round.

OP posts:
Original poster
MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 13:09

Droppit · 21/11/2024 13:01

I feel your frustration. Why does he not value family support and the fact it's a better place to raise kids as much as you do? (I'm wondering if the burden of childcare lies more with you and therefore it benefits you more than him?)

I agree that couples therapy is the best route here and I would be pushing for it every time he moans about it. (I wonder if he is reluctant to do it because he is worried a third party might think he is being selfish?)

He probably does more childcare than me due to my working hours, and is reluctant to accept family help but this puts a lot of pressure on him (and therefore me). I also think kids benefit from close relationships with extended family and I want to foster that.

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 21/11/2024 13:11

I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't recoverable, after marriage counselling and tears of trying. Resentment is like a poison really.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2024 13:14

As @NotbloodyGivingupYet the first year is the worst. The honeymoon wears off and you notice the bad things. You haven't developed new networks yet and feel lonely and isolated.

Give him time. Let him discover some good aspects to where you live. He might never come around, some people don't. But pushing at 6-12 months will ensure he doesn't ever come out of it.

Meadowfinch · 21/11/2024 13:16

I had the same issue only I was the one who was unhappy. I moved with ex and ds to a 'village' in the midlands and hated it - traffic, no space to walk, pollution. After 8 months I was prescribed ADs and I knew I couldn't stay, I'd have either hit the bottle or topped myself eventually.

Ex had promised we would find somewhere we both liked but then dug his heels in and refused to move again. So, after 2 years of trying to sort it out, DS and I left

What exactly is making him miserable? With me, it was just too built up, the noise was horrendous, and I need rural or I get depressed. Life is too short to be miserable. We only get one life. Can't you find a middle ground?

TTPDTS · 21/11/2024 13:16

Honestly, it probably will take a lot of time! He's been forced to do something he didn't want to because you did, he's now lonely, miserable and doesn't like where he lives.

I think you can say to him, okay you're giving him time - but he can't have forever. I'd also ask him what solutions can he think of - is there somewhere else he'd rather live? Is there a middle ground somewhere that you'll both be happy?

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 21/11/2024 13:21

How would you feel if you had to live somewhere not of your choosing where your DH and kids were loving it but you feel very resentful at having to leave your old home?

What would help your loneliness?

What would help you with your resentment towards the man who pushed you into this?

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 21/11/2024 13:21

How would you feel if you had to live somewhere not of your choosing where your DH and kids were loving it but you feel very resentful at having to leave your old home?

What would help your loneliness?

What would help you with your resentment towards the man who pushed you into this?

gannett · 21/11/2024 13:26

Something that can't be helping is the way you frame your new location as objectively better. When you tell us it's for a better quality of life, a nicer place to raise a family and having extended family around is a benefit, I'm just hearing "because I say so and my opinion goes". I'm not hearing the other side. And frankly I don't think any of those things are objective truths.

I don't know where your old or new location is but I don't think city or country (or anything in between) is inherently a "better" place to raise a family. As someone raised in both my preference would be a city but it's different for everyone.

One person's extended family providing invaluable support is another person's extended family's suffocating presence and constant sticking their nose in, especially when it's not THEIR extended family to start with.

Why did he not want to move in the first place? What did he love about your old location (or what wasn't he keen on in the new location)?

Ultimately he's right in the sense that only time will actually bring him round to the new location, but it would help that process along if he actually felt heard and understood in terms of why he's not happy.

SoDemure · 21/11/2024 13:28

You should never have forced it. I'd give it another 6 months or so then be prepared to move back for the sake of my marriage and the happiness of the man I love.

Kids will thrive anywhere as long as they are loved and nurtured

Livinghappy · 21/11/2024 13:29

Resentment is a relationship killer so you are sensible to hear his sadness.

I moved and never settled..not sure why as I made friends but I never felt happy. I tried for years but ultimate moved again. It was the right decision.

Your marriage is important and more so than the bonds your dc might make with extended family.

Viviennemary · 21/11/2024 13:29

Summerhillsquare · 21/11/2024 13:11

I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't recoverable, after marriage counselling and tears of trying. Resentment is like a poison really.

There's nothing worse than one person in the relationship being happy with the circumstances and the other partner isn't. I think you should be open minded to moving again if you want to save your marriage.

custardpyjamas · 21/11/2024 13:30

Can you find things to do together so it's not you against him? You having family nearby and the life you want and him left out. Does he have any hobbies, pastimes, interests that you could encourage and find local things he could indulge in. Sounds like he's very lonely and may be bored.

Craftycorvid · 21/11/2024 13:33

Well, this is an epic sulk on his part, isn’t it? Regardless of how reasonable it is that he’s unhappy with the choice to move, he agreed to it. The pitfall is that ‘give me time’ has no time limit - 8 months in is enough time to decide to find the good things about where you live - and ‘I didn’t choose this’ may become his reason for any and all bad behaviour. He’s refusing to negotiate with you via couples counselling. My guess is there’s a reward here for him in his hanging onto grievances. Be careful not to tread on too many eggshells on this issue. Keep offering to communicate and find ways the move can be more acceptable, but don’t accept blanket resentment that becomes about you and the family, not the move.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 21/11/2024 13:33

Why does he hate it? What effort has he made to make friends?

Ultimately if you move back you’ll resent him so it won’t be any better.

Either he tries to make the best of it and take some steps to improve his life and stops wallowing, you move back and then as above you resent him, or you split up.

Original poster
MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 13:33

I agree we may need to move and I’ve said go DH let’s give it 2 years then we can discuss moving. However, if we move back I feel like I’ll resent him as that’s not where I want to be.

But I agree it might be necessary for the sake of our marriage.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 21/11/2024 13:34

Why should you move back to please him though? He’s not more important than you.

Original poster
MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 13:36

ThatsNotMyTeen · 21/11/2024 13:34

Why should you move back to please him though? He’s not more important than you.

No he’s not, but I think I’m probably more resilient. Plus im probably more invested in making the marriage work.

OP posts:
IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 21/11/2024 13:46

Well what about moving to a neutral third place? Have a chat to him, find out what you both like and dislike about your current and previous homes and start thinking.

Does he feel it’s all ‘your family’ and he feels suffocated by that?

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 21/11/2024 13:54

Craftycorvid · 21/11/2024 13:33

Well, this is an epic sulk on his part, isn’t it? Regardless of how reasonable it is that he’s unhappy with the choice to move, he agreed to it. The pitfall is that ‘give me time’ has no time limit - 8 months in is enough time to decide to find the good things about where you live - and ‘I didn’t choose this’ may become his reason for any and all bad behaviour. He’s refusing to negotiate with you via couples counselling. My guess is there’s a reward here for him in his hanging onto grievances. Be careful not to tread on too many eggshells on this issue. Keep offering to communicate and find ways the move can be more acceptable, but don’t accept blanket resentment that becomes about you and the family, not the move.

An epic sulk on his part when he's had to make all the sacrifices and is doing most of the childcare to give the OP what she wants ?? Really ??

The OP needs to make some compromises so they're both happy. That might be living nearer family support but not on their doorstep. I can see why hes pissed off, he sounds isolated. And the only support being family sounds suffocating. I'd hate that too.

Meadowfinch · 21/11/2024 13:54

MuskIsACnt · 21/11/2024 13:33

I agree we may need to move and I’ve said go DH let’s give it 2 years then we can discuss moving. However, if we move back I feel like I’ll resent him as that’s not where I want to be.

But I agree it might be necessary for the sake of our marriage.

Isn't there a middle ground that allows each of you to be happy?

Most people can find a compromise. Your happiness is no less important than his. Any home has to work positively for the whole family

DysonSphere · 21/11/2024 14:04

The marriage comes first. But ultimately I do actually think the onus is on him to make the best of it.

I was once in your DH position. We didn't move areas exactly, but we did move houses to a part further away and I didn't like the new house. At first it wasn't too bad, then I came to strongly dislike it. It was (and continues to be) too small. I exchanged neighbours who were lovely and warm with neighbours who ignore you when you say 'good morning.' There's hardly any natural light, there are no windows in one half of it. It's part of an estate. I can't even explain why I felt so low about it. Anyway I mooched for ages.

But I got a wake up call starting when my DH finally snapped and told me (not kindly) he was done with it all, and was doing his best to make the most of things and how my attitude was totally bringing him down. At first I was affronted, but I did some reading and realised that making the best of every situation is a nice trait in a partner. In fact it's a necessary trait, it's how couples remain strong and build and I came to the conclusion that I was undermining my marriage which was the most important thing, for a house
So I got over myself. Pulled myself up mentally, put on a more cheery attitude and you know what? My attitude toward the house improved (though I still don't love it and would still move if given the chance!) I've also come to know some of the neighbours, though they cannot replace the ones I had before.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 21/11/2024 14:09

@DysonSphere it isn’t just the house though. The DH sounds deeply unhappy.