DH resents me, how do we get past this?

[MuskIsACnt]

My DH resents me and can’t get past it. We moved to a different city to be closer to my family (and for a better quality of life). My DH never wanted to move but I pushed for it and he agreed.

He hates where we live and is lonely and miserable. He blames me and says he resents me.

This js putting a massive strain on our relationship. I don’t feel like DH really loves me anymore, and he’s so miserable and short tempered.

I don’t want to move, with young kids having family support is invaluable (DH doesn’t have wider family for suppport like I do), and I think where we live now is a much nicer place to raise a family.

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).

How do we get past this? I feel like it’s going to eat away at and destroy our marriage.

Your message came across as a little aggressive so I won’t read but please do have a good day.

i think you should have couples therapy - BEFORE you try for more years.

This is probably not about the move.

I ahve done a move I initially massively regretted - but you know what - I had some counselling, understood from that that there is no 'right' place - there is no 'right' decision - and that you can CHOOSE to be happy with the decision you have made.

People move all the time - if he was invested in the marriage (and you mention he isn't) - then he would commit to making it work now you are there

Is it possible he is just moaning/ whining and generally wants to argue about stuff ? And is making no effort to settle

In the end - if life wasn't that great before - there is no evidence he or you would be happy moving back?

eg has he done things that would help him settle? joined groups/ clubs/ sporting activities - ? My husband wasn't particularly keen when we moved - but he found people to make music with (his thign - what is your husbands thing? ) - and people to play football with - and he made friendly conversation with neighbours until he felt grounded and at home where we are.

That’s ok. Your choice :):)

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).
^^
All you can do is get on with the situation and give him the time he's asked for. You can't control how he feels about it. He's already made the sacrifice and given that he doesn't want your family in his face helping with the kids, he's not benefiting much from the new location. Make it clear that you want to hear whenever he's ready to speak on the matter. It sounds like a classic case of mismatched backgrounds and values with one person used to being closer with family and the other wanting more independence ? It's hard to change that stuff, it's hardwired into a person. I wonder if it would help him to think in terms of a limited time period of you all being there - is there any scope for moving elsewhere that would suit both of you bit better?

If your husband hates where you now live and resents moving there at your insistence and resents you for it, your marriage is in deep trouble. You even recognize your husband is totally miserable but want him to live there for 2 more years.

Do you prioritize living around your family or your marriage? That's your choice.

Your dh sounds a bit of a martyr tbh.
Firstly you moved for family support with childcare...which he now refuses
You've recognized and acknowledged his feelings and offered counseling to help...which he refuses

Your invested in the marriage...he's not...

I don't think this is going to get better.
He knows you're worried about the situation and he knows if he continues behaving the way he is , you'll capitulate and move back... he'll get exactly what he wants.
He doesn't care it's not what you want

This is a massive sulking power game to him.

Marriage is about compromise...not manipulating the other person into doing solely what you want.

I'd be frank with him...state why you think this location is better for the family as a whole. Point out if he accepted family help there'd be more time for him to get out and make new friends, support network for himself etc. then ask him why he believes the original location was better for the whole family...not just him...

Then you both work together to find the compromise.

If he won't or can't engage in this way, I'd tell him to stop with the martyr act, get over it and crack on.
Grey rock any further miserable behavior and enjoy being near your family