DH resents me, how do we get past this?

[MuskIsACnt]

My DH resents me and can’t get past it. We moved to a different city to be closer to my family (and for a better quality of life). My DH never wanted to move but I pushed for it and he agreed.

He hates where we live and is lonely and miserable. He blames me and says he resents me.

This js putting a massive strain on our relationship. I don’t feel like DH really loves me anymore, and he’s so miserable and short tempered.

I don’t want to move, with young kids having family support is invaluable (DH doesn’t have wider family for suppport like I do), and I think where we live now is a much nicer place to raise a family.

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).

How do we get past this? I feel like it’s going to eat away at and destroy our marriage.

I was thinking that - the UK is not that long! You may be talking from far south to north Scotland.

Wouldn't there be a compromise in between somewhere like Newcastle or Leeds?

Also, please talk about accepting childcare from your family - phrase it as giving him more time to do things that he'd enjoy.

Many people don't have family support, and he may not realize how lucky you are to have some! When you have to pay for every scrap of childcare, you really notice it!

Is it a case that you shouldn’t have pushed or a case him not having boundaries and not being able to say NO to the move?

Ive been in that place where dh wanted to move and I didn’t.
Yes it felt crap to say NO (even more so because it affected other people in the wider family, not just us).
But when things aren’t right for you, you need to say so. Not agree to it.

What was always clear for me was that, if I said Yes to dh, then it was MY choice and MY responsibility. Resentment towards him would have had no place.

Having said all that, I’d agree that counselling either on his own or as a couple is a good idea. He doesn’t want to now, Cary enough. But I’d propose that again if things haven’t settled down in the next few months.

Apart from that, what would help is him finding his feet. So being involved somehow in the community - practicing a sport, involve in dcs clubs, going out with colleagues (should be some opportunities atm with Christmas).
Id plan plenty of time as a family, discovering the area rather than too much time with your family. Or assuming there is no point going to place A or B because you know them/it’s a tourist attraction etc… it might be to you. It won’t be to him (or the dcs)
As ot always is the case when you move to a new a team, you need to put yourself out there to feel at ease with the place. It’s pretty normal for everything to feel weird or off or foreign/too different and a bit lost too.

After 8 months?
That's quite a short time to rebuild friendship, find your feet re hobbies etc…,

Now that’s a reason to NOT move back to the SEwith him.

Because if he isn’t as invested, how can you tell he’ll be all happy once you’ve back rather than still resentful to have ‘forced him’ to do something he agreed on?
Youd be stuck 600 miles away from your network and still a marriage that is struggling.

And he needs to stop playing the martyr and take on offers of childcare from family!

many years ago my partner at the time pushed me to move so he could be near his family.
It was every day he would say something how good life will be for us EVERY DAY it was talked about.
I agreed in the end to please him more fool me i was there a year and i couldent take anymore.
I still remember the constant family visits the oh how happy we are.
I was bored lonely and hated it.
Did get told it would take time for me to settle but after 13 months enough was enough.
I packed my bag and fucked off and left him never felt better.
Not everyone can settle.
Put your self in his shoes op what if he made you move and pestered you till he got his own way would you be happy.

600 miles in Britain is huge, large enough for the weather to make a big difference- I bet that is a factor. He will be thinking that all it does is rain, and its a lot colder. When I moved back north after being on the south coast, all I thought about was how much it rains, and how can I put up with it. After a while, you get used to it, or rather it becomes less annoying.
Has he been specific about what is bringing him down about the place?

That part is worrying. I wouldn't be moving back for someone who isn't invested in making his marriage work. You could end up alone and unable to move back to your support network.

Worrying if he isn’t as invested. He didn’t have as many friends in the old place, no hobbies. He’s closer to a group of his friends, and his children get to be closer to extended family. Hmm I think you’re better off with support around you

I just wanted to add, that one of his issues might be that he’s feeling disempowered and so doesn’t want to settle down in the new place because he’s punishing you. i think if you tell him he comes first and if after a set period he hasn’t settled you will move again that might give him the reassurance he needs to give it a go.

this is a really, really different example, but I pushed and pushed my partner for us to get a dog. When we finally got one, it was like he went into shock and looked constantly terrified. I told him if he told me after a few weeks that it was the wrong decision, I’d 100% accept it and we’d give the dog back to the shelter - I obviously didn’t want to do that, but I did mean it (or enough for him to believe that I meant it!) and I think just knowing there was a get out, gave him the comfort to fall in love with the dog, which he did.

but of course there is the risk he won’t. Like you said, I think how you’ll feel at that point would be massively impacted by whether you think he’s really tried or not. Tell him that.

I think you should ask him what he thinks you should do to resolve the situation. It sounds like he's really unhappy.
If you have done, what did he say? Be prepared to listen and compromise

We live 600 miles from family - we are in southern England they are in northern Scotland- it's like a whole different world! The weather is different, the accent is different, its a treck to get anywhere.... Nice to visit but I wouldn't want to live there (and I've lived in other parts of Scotland)! That's one heck of a move for someone who wasn't keen. Does he have a job or us he 'stuck' at home (which won't be helping)?

He didn’t want to move and you pushed him into it. This is the fairly inevitable consequence of that decision. I don’t think couples counselling will help because it’s not a communication issue. He is just very unhappy and her resents you because you made him unhappy.

@StormingNorman When an adult agrees to do something though, they have to take responsibility for that decision. As I said upthread, I agreed to move with my DH even though I preferred where we currently lived. I could’ve said no and he would’ve moved on his own. Life is full of difficult decisions.

@Summerhillsquare Hit it right on the nail, resentment is literally a poison. Everything gets skewed, and perspectives change depending on the mindset. What’s acceptable or tolerable becomes untenable when resentment sets in. @MuskIsACnt OP, You need to communicate clearly what you want. Unlike other posters who say marriage counseling can’t help, I think it can. But you need to deal with the root of the issue. The fact of the matter is, moving is a life-changing decision and it needs everyone to be on wholeheartedly on board with the decision. And if one or the other side isn’t happy with the decision, it will be an even bigger adjustment period.

He is an adult who CHOSE to move there.
He could have said No.
Just like I said when dh proposed a move that I didn’t want. Even though it was hard. Both for me (I’m a real people pleaser and it affected more people than just our small family unit. Plus I knew it was hugely important for him) and for dh (really important for him plus lots of emotional stuff there too).

As soon as he said yes, the decision to move became his responsibility.
I mean how is the Op supposed to know she ‘forced him’ to do something he didn’t want when he agreed to it? She didn’t put a gun on his head. She didn’t threaten him to split. She clearly stated her preferences and her reasons. Is that wrong because somehow she is supposed to know what’s going on in his head? That because he wasn’t keen in the first place than that should be a NO. Never mind the poor guy was allowed to change his mind….

Also worth remembering that if he had said No, it could very easily be seen as ‘he forced the OP to stay away from her family no wonder she is resentful’.
Would that be ok too then?

This how we know OP knew her husband didn’t want to move: “My DH never wanted to move but I pushed for it”.

Agreeing to do something because you don’t want to break up a marriage and a family isn’t necessarily free will. The consequences were huge either way and he probably felt forced to make the decision that would make him least unhappy rather than having an option that he was happy with.

Agreeing to do something because you don’t want to break up a marriage and a family isn’t necessarily free will.

Trying to assign blame onto someone is NOT going to help the OP, even less so done in this way.

This was one of those ‘life changing’ decisions and neither of them treated it like this. Neither of them acknowledged the fact their needs are opposing each other and basically aren’t compatible.
It’s not a situation where one could have been more conciliatory. It’s clear that regardless of the dh answer, the situation would have been exactly the same: one of them would have seen their needs pushed aside by being forced to live somewhere they dont want to.

What should have happened is a frank discussion on both their needs. A discussion on potential outcome too, incl separating. Having decided to move to Scotland, the dh should have embraced that decision and dropped the ‘woe is me’ discourse and stop being a martyr (like refusing help with childcare!). Because just now, it feels like he is putting a hell of a lot of pressure on the OP to move back (and would it be a decision made of free will then? Not according to you).
And the OP should have been much more appreciative of the efforts her dh is doing and fully supported him rather than (it seems from her posts) assuming he’d just fit in.

What isn’t happening now is again a discussion on the state of the marriage (see the OP’s comment about the fact she is keener on making the marriage works) and meeting everyone’s needs.
It might be that it’s not possible. It might be that there are other ways to meet the needs of everyone there. It really depends for example on why the dh is struggling there (MAYBE he might feel like a spare part in the middle if the OP’s family fur example). And why it’s so important for the OP to be in Scotland (MAYBE because her dh doesn’t really step up re childcare and she was desperate for support - so the issue was his role in the family rather than being close to family).
There won’t be any resolution wo a talk aroubd that. And it’s not going to be a constructive discussion if it’s based on blame. And they’ll both need to up their communication skills!

What I feel though is that it’s more likely the OP and her dh won’t really discuss things. The whole marriage and communication will go downhill and they’ll separate. Each blaming the other (She forced me to move away/He didn’t really make an effort) instead.

Gosh, he’s human with feelings too and is clearly depressed.

Maybe. But maybe he's just got a form of culture shock. Which is pretty classic for those of us who've moved countries. You get what feels like mild depressive symptoms a few months in. It's situational, not clinical depression, and there are lots of ways of counteracting it. And it goes away if you stick it out and use the methods of counteracting it.

That’s a shame for you.

And moving away from that place will solve the issue do you think?
Even if it means disrupting the dcs again
Even if it means the OP is the one depressed at being back in the SE?
Even if the knee jerk reaction of ‘let’s move back’ means making the whole marriage 100x more difficult?

Of course he has feelings.
No one has ever said he shouldn’t feel a certain way.
But when you move countries (and we’re talking different countries here right?) then yes it takes time adjusting. And yes it takes more than 8 months to build friendship, understand a different way of doing things.

Been there and done that a few times.
Its pretty normal to feel unsettled even 8 months in.

Having moved a lot on the past, I can confirm it can take two years to settle fully.

Help him build relationships and follow interests in order to build connections. .. So joining a men’s yoga or chess group (or whatever) and meeting up with other school dads for a run or a game of tennis. In your shoes I’d help him find out about local hobby and sports groups and throw some cash at the issue. In addition the blokes in your family could ask him out for a pint and introduce him to their friends.

Why is family support so vital?

And how far away did you live before?