DH resents me, how do we get past this?

[MuskIsACnt]

My DH resents me and can’t get past it. We moved to a different city to be closer to my family (and for a better quality of life). My DH never wanted to move but I pushed for it and he agreed.

He hates where we live and is lonely and miserable. He blames me and says he resents me.

This js putting a massive strain on our relationship. I don’t feel like DH really loves me anymore, and he’s so miserable and short tempered.

I don’t want to move, with young kids having family support is invaluable (DH doesn’t have wider family for suppport like I do), and I think where we live now is a much nicer place to raise a family.

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).

How do we get past this? I feel like it’s going to eat away at and destroy our marriage.

Didn't finish.

So I think the onus is on the person who agreed to compromise to at least attempt to make the best of the situation for the sake of their partner and marriage.

If after a valid effort, there is some room for further compromise, then great! But marriage isn't always about getting what you want(ed) all the time. Sometimes things have to be lived with and made the best of. Love is supposed to help facilitate things not falling into resentment.

But it doesn't sound like he's put forth effort to not be unhappy.

I don’t want to move, with young kids having family support is invaluable (DH doesn’t have wider family for suppport like I do), and I think where we live now is a much nicer place to raise a family.

DH refuses couples counselling, or engaging with the issue at all. He’s asked me to just give him time (it’s already been 8 months).

But it does sound as though you're entirely fixed in your view that this was the right decision, and you're refusing to see his point of view at all. Couples counselling won't work unless you are prepared to participate openly & honestly.

It's a tough one. I know several commuting couples, because they both have jobs in different cities (or different countries) and they make it work. But I work in a field where you go where the job is, and where jobs are very rare and precious.

But what sort of compromises could you think about?

sign him up for activities and socialising hobbies and meetup events and get him out more.

unless of course you moved to the middle of nowhere, in which case he's got a fair point and you shouldn't have done that.

It looks as though you've prioritised being near your mum (or whatever) over your marriage. I feel sorry for your DH. You basically railroaded him into this move, even though you knew he was against it. You say it's a better quality of life but then you are biased. What about your DH's quality of life? I also don't think children need to live round the corner from extended family to be fulfilled and happy. In fact this is a rare scenario in this day and age.

What specifically does he not like? What does he feel he is missing out on?

I’d let it fail. He said he’d move. He doesn’t then get to punish you every day for it from then on.

OP - did he have friends and hobbies where you lived before ? Is he doing a different job etc? If he's had to totally upend all his old haunts and connections but you get to have extended family on tap it's bound to make him feel a bit at sixes and sevens- ask him about the specifics- what is it that is making him feel dissatisfied

I feel sorry for your dh - being lonely is awful, especially when your family is happy and it's just you feel a bit adrift. Who did he leave behind? did he have close friends? hobbies? more supportive work team? is there a way you can support him to start building this here or to see his friends from the other place?

My dh isn't great at making new friends but has good supportive relationships with a few close friends he's known a very very long time. I'm grateful we live in the same city as them because they're very good for his MH which in turn is good for our marriage and family.

”My DH is pressuring me to move closer to my ILs because he feels that the DC will be better off there. I don’t want to move, because I’m happy where we are, plus I don’t want to be forced to move so close to my ILs.”

Wonder what the responses would be there.

OP I was on the other side of this. For years my DH pushed and pushed for us to move closer to where he worked. Part of his argument was sound - he didn’t want such a long commute any more, but the fact is that he had so many wrong places in mind which would ultimately have made little difference to his commute, that it generally became about what he wanted rather than what we needed. Ultimately he was controlling and part of his motive was to make sure I had no support network.

So after threats of how I didn’t have the DC’s best interests at heart, how this was what was best for him and the children and how if I didn’t like it I could divorce him after we’d moved, we moved.

And a year later we got divorced.

He freely acknowledged that part of the reason for that was because he’d forced me into moving but the damage had been done and there was no going back.

The decision to move should never just be about the one person who wants it and the rest having to be railroaded into it. If he didn’t want to move then you shouldn’t have moved, you should have had a discussion around the reasoning, and the genuine benefits. And fwiw a relationship with your family, which the DC will have anyway just not on their doorstep, isn’t going to be a better option for your DC than growing up in a broken home with the potential for step parents and step and half siblings.

You need to have a discussion.

You were presumably not suggesting couples therapy when you were railroading him into agreeing with what you wanted, so why should it be on him to agree to it now.

I think you should move back. He tried.

This was what happened with me. I had friends, volunteering, a job where we lived and for him all his friends were work friends. So when we moved I lost everything, no support, I had to give up my job because as I earned less my contribution was “not important”, my DC joined a new school where all the parents already had their cliques and friendship groups so no opportunity there. And for him the only thing that changed was his address.

You don't get over this at such level.
You aren't compatible (anymore).
Nobody should be that unhappy in life.
Sorry.

What does he miss the most?
What do you mean exactly by ‘better quality of life?’ And ‘nicer’?

Are those two at complete odds? For example he misses the bustle of London and the fact museums, galleries and the theatre are in your doorstep. Plus he loves the multiculturalism. Restaurants etc.
Wheras you want the kids to play in the fields. Walk to school. Peace and quiet. Low crime rate etc?

Can you compromise on the issues and find a third place?

If not it would be a deal breaker for me.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd I have moved to 9 different areas in the last 25 years - mainly because I had a husband with grass is greener syndrome, and several houses within those areas too - I simply stopped joining new things or attempting volunteering etc - so yep, I know what it's like. My H has colleagues he is friends with from all over and not local friends really - so as you say all he did was change address- I think in OPs case it really depends what networks he had in before- what's he lost!! And it may be he's lost a lot more than the OP

I do feel sympathetic towards your DH, because I was very unhappy living somewhere before. In my case it was weather, different culture that I found difficult to navigate and just generally not my vibe of that city.

I lived there for 7 years because I met my DH there (his hometown), otherwise I would have left much earlier.

Luckily my DH saw how unhappy I was and even though I tried to get use to it, I didn't.

We moved to different (neutral, so neither one of us had any family here) and we are both very happy here.

I would say that you have it much easier as you have a network there.

I think 8 months is a very short time though - it took us about 2 years where we are now to both be comfortable.

Did he though?

I do feel for him, but it seems like he’s not done much to try and improve his lot.

I think you say to him that you love him and you are totally invested in making the marriage work. That you really appreciate him making the move even though it wasn’t what he wanted, and that you want to give it two years and if at the end of that time, he still hates it, you will move somewhere new (third location) without question. But say that it’s really really important to you that in those two years he absolutely tries his best to settle in, and have a chat about what that could look like - exploring local area, joining clubs, inviting friends to visit, etc.

Yep

Thanks for all the responses. I think most people are right. I shouldn’t have pushed it and I do genuinely regret it. If I’d known how miserable he’d be I would t have pushed for it. I thought he’ll like it once he gets there. And tbh he didn’t have many friends or any hobbies etc he’d be leaving. (In fact we’re now significantly closer to a group of his friends).

But then I think why should I have been unhappy staying where we were, 600 miles from any family, extortionate living costs so tiny house and garden (SE), pollution, grammar school system etc.

I think in order for me not to resent him if we ultimately move, I need to ask him to really try for a couple of years. If it doesn’t work we can move and I’ll appreciate him trying.

Is this something like Kent to Aberdeen ? 600 miles is a fair old whack - what is it he misses out if interest??

Resentment is very toxic and, in my experience, is the emotionally inmature answer to a situation for which someone doesn't want to take responsibility.
I can understand the feelings of your husband, but he chose to move too so he should own it.
Feeling resentful is awful, like dragging dead weight; owning your choices and/or accepting what you can't change is freeing.
I'm sorry you are all going through this: I hope you can find harmony as a family sooner than later. Good luck!

I’ve been in this situation and tbh it still causes a lot of resentment in my relationship now- many, many years later.
We’ve stayed together but it’s still difficult for me to get past all of the years of ‘what ifs’
It must be hard for your DH and I get you need support but he probably feels that he hasn’t been listened to- I know I did. That’s the part that’s hard

One person's extended family providing invaluable support is another person's extended family's suffocating presence and constant sticking their nose in, especially when it's not THEIR extended family to start with.
This,where is his family, did you move for jobs first, or did you find a house near your family and jobs have to fit around that?

I agree that the first year is the hardest. DH pushed me into making a move years ago that I didn't want to make, and I considered splitting up rather than moving. But I did it and slowly made new friends and connections - not within the first year though.

Assuming that it won't be too disruptive for your children's schooling, I think that your idea to ask him to give it a couple more years and then you'll move again if he still wants to, is reasonable. He'll either have settled then or really know that it's not the right place.