Wife’s walked out on me after 30years and says she doesn’t love me !

[Blimeyagain]

My wife of 30 years together—15 years of engagement and 15 years of marriage, filled with ups and downs—has walked out on me and is staying at her single female friend’s house. She has come back a few times to do things for the kids and, on occasion, has even cooked tea for us. I spoke to her three days after she left, and she told me she didn’t love me and had been unhappy for a long time. This came as a shock to me because we have always had a great social and sex life, and we’re often out socializing with friends.

Recently, we’ve had some heated arguments, though she only once threatened to leave. I managed to talk her around that time, and everything seemed fine the next day. However, during another argument, I told her to “shove it,” and this time, she did. She walked out and has been staying at her friend’s house ever since.

She’s been gone two weeks now, and there’s no sign of her wanting to move back in. When she comes around, if I don’t bring up the subject of getting back together, it’s almost like she never left. We get along great during these visits, but when it’s time to leave, she simply says, “Right, I’m off now,” and returns to her friend’s house. She gets on really well with her single friend, who has a nice house, and she has told me she can stay there as long as she wants.

She’s going through the change at the moment as well, so I know that doesn’t help. But in 30 years of being with her, she has never said she doesn’t love me or not come back home after an argument. She’s never had a situation like this before, with a single friend who has a house she can use at her will, so I know that’s not helping the situation either.

But I can’t carry on like this. I need to know where I stand. I’m not here just to be friends with her—I need more. I want us to get back to how we were.

Every time I approach the subject, though, it doesn’t go well. She seems to me like she’s had enough of me but still wants to be friends.

I would start by looking at her relationship with this other so called 'friend'? What is she like and how close have they been/suddenly become? Something is going on in your wife's brain that she is not telling and sounds as if she is covering up with a smoke screen. All will be revealed in time. But, personally, I think is she was leaving because she no longer loved you, she would have been more direct and not left the kids. For a woman to leave her kids, it is something more powerful going on in the back story!

He told her to shove it so she did!

Whats wrong with calling the menopause The Change? It has always been called that up until now and dont know why its so offensive. Your life does change for the better in some ways when you come out the other side of it and take HRT which I did.

There has been a thread on here recently of a lady who has taken in a friend after a marriage breakdown.
The person in question goes home to see kids/make meals/activities and then floats off again.
The woman’s DH has been frustrated before the breakdown that his wife won’t find a job.
The hostess is now sick of the whole situation - her guest isn’t working, doesn’t give her a penny, and is treating her lovely home like a hotel.
She’s fed up and wants to tell her friend it’s time to go.

I do think there's little clues here.

The bold. The language use. The telling her to shove it.

As single things they are nothing. But 30 years of little nudges that grate and annoy? Death by a thousand cuts to the relationship.

The OP might well be oblivious to it. But for the wife they add up and build until one day he tells her to shove it so she listens to him and does so.

Put some boundaries in place. She shouldn't be waltzing in and out as though she's still living there. I would start talking about formal separation, her taking everything that belongs to her out of the house, and step right back from her. No more "chatting". Just be a bit colder and more formal. There needs to be set arrangements about how or where she sees the kids. And no asking her to come back! She needs her mind focusing a bit on what's happening here. If she's left and doesn't want to save the marriage, then it needs formalising and she can't carry on as though she's still half in the marriage!

I somewhat agree with this. It sounds cold, but she decided to leave. Now with her waltzing back in when she pleases, acting like nothing has happened, she's having her cake and eating it.

You've said your bit, you've told her you still love her and want her back, and you've had time apart. If she's still not biting after two weeks, I think the writing is on the wall. Knowing female friends (speaking from experience), she's probably getting the "he wasn't right for you, you should be going put there, getting over him" speech from her friend as I type this!

You need to tell her that you fo love her and would want her back, but for the sake of the kids, consistency, and for both of your mental healths, that she needs to take her essentials and only come by at certain arranged times, or away from the house.

On every post by a man half of it is ‘if the sexes were reversed’ which kind of suggests that there are large swathes of people that want to defend a man only because he is a man. This one is no exception - there are multiple posts with the ‘man hating’, ‘double standards’ and loads telling posters to be kind.

IF the sexes were reversed I would be asking the exact same question - what were all the ‘heated’ arguments about asnd what was the resolution. She’s made it clear she wanted to leave before, but he ‘talked her round’. What do YOU think she should have done as it sounds like she has tried to discuss the issues before but OP hasn’t been listening.

That’s defo coming from her female friend I asked my wife and she says she neutral but she dropped a little comment in what she said and I thought that’s doesn’t sound neutral!

This advice from bifurCAT is very good. I definitely think you should speak to her let her know you love her and are ready to listen and help put things right, but equally I think you need to be clear that uping and leaving the family home in the way she has done without explanation isn't fair to you or the kids and so she needs to tell you what is going on. I think also exactly as bifurCAT suggests, you should also say that if she isn't going to return home at all or immediately in order to provide stability for everyone (but mostly the kids) there needs to be more of a plan in place for looking after and seeing the kids and coming home etc. She can't just come and go as she pleases causing confusion and potential upset for everyone.

I think the advice to look after yourself and make sure you are looking your best when you see her/talk to her is also very good. Not to entice her back, but to make sure you feel good and strong in yourself.

If she maintains she is leaving despite all this remain calm. Accept her decision if that is what it is, be kind, keep your dignity and head high. Keep the show on the road for those kids, look after yourself and keep seeing friends, exercising, cooking and keeping the house a nice place to be. And she will either realise she has made a mistake in time or you will meet someone else. As I noted in a pp, you deserve to be happy too.

Keep us updated.

I wouldn't be neutral if I was supporting my friend - I'd be telling her what I thought was in her best interests. Which, if she was unhappy for whatever reason and saying the relationship wasn't fixable, would be divorce.

I agree in the sense that I don’t think she’s wrong for leaving as we don’t know her reasons but reading through it seems he got a hard time for no real reason. Feels abit mean.

I’m sorry @Blimeyagain but what you describe isn’t a great marriage.

You describe it as one with lots of ups and downs.

You concentrate on having a great social and sex life. That’s not what a marriage is about. It’s should be about your life together being great, and not just sex!
But rather, it sounds like there was a lot of communication issues if ‘shove it’ is an example of your way to solve issues.

Rather it seems your dwife has a long habit of shoving her feeling aside and put up a front, smiling etc…. Regardless of how she felt. That’s why she is smiling now and it feels like ‘everything was’ when she’s just told you she wants to separate!! You have the ‘nice smiling dwife who is actually deeply upset and angry’ in front of you…

I'd wonder if her single friend was once with a long term partner then separated?

Friends moan to friends, but some can be a bit too persistant in saying that you shouldn't stand for this and that.

Have a think, have you really been doing your fair share recently? I mean before she went to stay at friends house. Have your children been treating her with respect? Perhaps she was feeling like a doormat and wanted to leave you to 'fend for yourself' for a bit to realise all that she does do.

Be respectful, be humble, and when the time feels right remind her how much she means to you, and really show it with your heart.

She might be ready to hear it, or she might not. But keep trying, she probably just needs a bit of a break 🙂

@TheSilentSister You say your exDH was blindsided by your departure. BUT, you also say, I'd tried discussing things that I wasn't happy with but nothing ever changed.

I am always interested in threads like these when the OP is a man, but consistently doesn't actually respond to any of the questions, and gets snippy. I am not a believer in the concept of "men just see things differently" but it does make me wonder OR is this why men get such a hard time on here? They're evasive, defensive, and ignore the issues women (or in real life, their wives) are trying to raise.

OP, I find it almost impossible to believe you are completely without a clue as to why she's suddenly left. DH and I have no intention of leaving each other, but at any given moment, I guarantee that if one of us did, the other one would have a sense of what had been driving us mad. what are the arguments about? You said they were trivial or some similar word, but are they? Argument about cleaning the bathroom might be trivial to you, but perhaps it's the tip of a very large iceberg for her.

I do think that it is unusual for women to just leave, and not to take the children (or at least, the 12 year old), so that suggests that either she's just a very unusual and selfish woman, or that whatever is going on is significantly more impactful than just a bit of general unhappiness.

There is literally the identical thread in active (okay similar, the other one is 20 years) and the man has left. The advice is the complete opposite, the man is a pig for wanting to end the marriage etc. But when a woman ups and leaves her husband and kids, well she must of had a reason etc. the double standards are mind blowing!

A person can leave a relationship if they are unhappy, ultimately. It’s sad but I don’t think anyone has a duty to stay if they don’t want to. I just don’t get the double standards, people can be so sexist and biased in real like surely

She must have told the children she’s either staying with her friend ‘for a bit’ or ‘til I get a place of my own.’ It’s not fair to have them in limbo. You need to prioritise talking to her asap in private.

Broadly, I agree with this. But the reality is that there's something about this thread, and others I've seen like it, that don't ring quite right. And I can't work out if it's on the woman's side, or the man's (OP).

There is a suggestion she's having an affair and that's why she's left in which case, she absolutely should be getting lambasted - she's abandoned her child and while OP has been vague about what exactly she's doing in terms of maintaining that relationship, it's bad when anyone does it but let's behonest, as women tend to be the primary carers, its worse in this case.

But we all know the many many women who eventually leave because they just can't cope any more. Financial, verbal, physical abuse, lack of care etc. Vs the many many men who simply leave because they'r ebored and want the shiny new toy. Not all men, of course, but the patterns are there.

Happened to a friend of mine. She was 50. She's now 54yo and very out and proud that she's a lesbian and the friend had been more than that for a while. Sorry haven'tt RTFT but don't be super shocked if the friend is more than a friend.

Whilst I understand your point I disagree.

People comment saying ‘what if the post was reversed’ because that’s true. The behaviour on here is always sexist and always in the favour of the woman no matter what.

Yes some people want to defend a man, simply because he’s a man because actually most mumsnetters don’t want to know his point as soon as it’s apparent he’s a man, so somebody has to support his post.

I’m going to agree that leaving Wo the dcs is unusual.

I have to say I’m wondering if she isn’t trying to teach you a lesson there. That running a house isn’t as easy as it looks and you need to pull your socks up and start taking responsibility.

What were the arguments about then?

And what about the dcs? You haven’t said much about them, how they’ve reacted etc….

If she was trying to teach him a lesson why is she popping back to cook and chat? And OP has said ages of kids - 18 and 12.

Yes just realised that, I seem to have missed that answer.
So one adult and one teen.

My guess was that she popped back FOR THE DCS, not for him.
And that it was a great way to see how things were going in the house. Tidy or not? Food in the fridge or not etc…. And see how he was finding being a single parent.

But I might have had it all wrong 😁😁

Are you serious?!