Wife’s walked out on me after 30years and says she doesn’t love me !

[Blimeyagain]

My wife of 30 years together—15 years of engagement and 15 years of marriage, filled with ups and downs—has walked out on me and is staying at her single female friend’s house. She has come back a few times to do things for the kids and, on occasion, has even cooked tea for us. I spoke to her three days after she left, and she told me she didn’t love me and had been unhappy for a long time. This came as a shock to me because we have always had a great social and sex life, and we’re often out socializing with friends.

Recently, we’ve had some heated arguments, though she only once threatened to leave. I managed to talk her around that time, and everything seemed fine the next day. However, during another argument, I told her to “shove it,” and this time, she did. She walked out and has been staying at her friend’s house ever since.

She’s been gone two weeks now, and there’s no sign of her wanting to move back in. When she comes around, if I don’t bring up the subject of getting back together, it’s almost like she never left. We get along great during these visits, but when it’s time to leave, she simply says, “Right, I’m off now,” and returns to her friend’s house. She gets on really well with her single friend, who has a nice house, and she has told me she can stay there as long as she wants.

She’s going through the change at the moment as well, so I know that doesn’t help. But in 30 years of being with her, she has never said she doesn’t love me or not come back home after an argument. She’s never had a situation like this before, with a single friend who has a house she can use at her will, so I know that’s not helping the situation either.

But I can’t carry on like this. I need to know where I stand. I’m not here just to be friends with her—I need more. I want us to get back to how we were.

Every time I approach the subject, though, it doesn’t go well. She seems to me like she’s had enough of me but still wants to be friends.

This

Hmm I don't think things were as harmonious in those 30 years as you would like to think. I'm afraid she has fallen out of love with you, and it's unlikely to change.

I'm 46 and have used that word before. Admittedly not any more as it's fallen out of favour but it was common in the 90s.

I love this and hope you are happy now x

They say that all the time.

You're only going to get angry feminists on here this time of night

And you were the exception to that generalisation, I assume? Thereby disproving your own assertion?

It took you 15 years to marry her. Red flag right there.

I’d scrub up before you do as others have advised. Some new clothes is finances allow, shaven, fresh hair cut etc. No good doing this when you look like victor meldrew in a dressing gown of doom.

Op she has left but seems to come round and act normally cooking dinner etc. In your situation I would get some therapy as you sound confused. You need to put some boundaries in place - routine for the children etc. If it’s confusing for you it must be confusing for them. Can she have the children overnight at her friends? Instead of coming to you. Yes you told her to shove it but that would have been the last straw for her I expect. Also if you haven’t find a time you can both talk through the next steps if divorce is happening, will you need to sell your home? Do you need a solicitor? Does she want 50/50 with the kids.

honestly what were the arguments about, has she been trying to communicate with you and you just kept glossing over things and not actually listening?

Are you able to write out some questions to ask her? These hard questions need to be asked and you will have to write down her answers.

It’s a communication problem.

I don’t know if it’s the transmitter or receiver or both. You can fix these things and get this information, then you can move on. You can’t live like this.

If this was a woman typing this about her husband, he’d get called every single name under the sun for walking away and gaining his ‘freedom’ for dumping all responsibilities.

But…because it’s a woman that’s left, she needed her space and it must have been him that pushed her.

Unbelievable.

What were the arguments about?

I didn’t realise mn was such a man hater place. If the roles where reversed people would have abit more compassion and a few more kind words. Telling you husband/wife to ‘shove it’ is hardly the worst thing in the world or ending the marriage. The fact that people seem to think him saying that was him ending the marriage is actually wild!

This is a very good contribution and my thoughts exactly.

And then, she reached that point in her life (and yes it often is around menopause) where she thought fuck this shit, I’m not doing this for the rest of my life, now it’s time for me. I’ve given my life to my husband and my DC so far and now I’m doing me.

Seriously OP, I would love to hear her view point and thoughts. Personally, I think it’s likely you’re offering too little too late. You’re not giving much away.

I know many women who have dealt with a selfish husband for many years, but also where the kids have ended up treating them like a doormat too. I don’t think people should obsess too much about the DD of 12, and her reaction. Particularly given men do this all the time. It really is one rule for men and one rule for women.

bottom line is your wife is not satisfied with the situation at home. How you treated her, and also probably how her children treated her, all compounds that. She’s living with a friend now, with all the fun that involves and all the reduction of hassle and stress. Maybe she is having her Shirley Valentine moment and breaking free?

Ah, you must be new here. Welcome(!)

You're quite right of course. If it's the man leaving, it's all "the script" this, "cherchez la femme" that, with a (un) healthy dose of "take him to the cleaners" mixed in.

But if the woman leaves, well well well, it's all the man's fault. Why hasn't he been listening??

Exactly.
OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. Top tip - if you post again, pretend that you’re a woman and your ex is a man. You’ll get far more sympathy and constructive responses. Unfortunately there are a lot of people on MN whose default is woman = right, man = wrong, in every situation.

Because this is a predominantly female forum. And given the overwhelming evidence that men treat women incredibly badly, we are of course going to have a woman's back over a mans.

Sisters before misters and all that.

Shouldn’t each post be read and analysed individually, rather than immediately assuming the woman in the scenario is right?

@SwordToFlamethrower

"Because this is a predominantly female forum. And given the overwhelming evidence that men treat women incredibly badly, we are of course going to have a woman's back over a mans.

Sisters before misters and all that."

But that approach is just prejudice and ignorance rolled into one

So many women treat men appallingly! Lying, manipulating, cheating.

'You lot'

'The Change'

Hmmm.

Anyone else see the potential reason she may have left?

The sexism will still shine on through though.

Wow I’m shocked by the hardness of the comments on here! Theres another post trending on here that husband wants to leave after 20 years together and you’re all so supportive it’s all “the man’s a shit, you’ll realise the trash took itself out, he’s having an affair, get your ducks in a row” blah blah blah but when it’s the other way around it’s his fault. Come on have a heart. We all say things in the heat of the moment or are you all perfect princesses that never argue, never say something stupid when you’re heated? Well most of us are human and do!

OP I’m sorry this has happened and you’re going through it but it does sound like she’s blown a fuse and wants some space but clearly not so much that she’s not wanting to step away completely. How old are your kids? Sorry you may have answered but I stopped reading the comments after the first page or two as the hypocrisy was giving me the rage! I would let her have her space, let her see the good stuff in you and the reasons you have been together for 30 years, maybe consider some counselling, and see if she’d be open to “dating” again. You could come out of it stronger!

just avoid the snipey responses to comments on here, it never goes well and you’ll just be man hated for it!

good luck 🍀

You single/divorced by any chance?! 🙄