Wife’s walked out on me after 30years and says she doesn’t love me !

[Blimeyagain]

My wife of 30 years together—15 years of engagement and 15 years of marriage, filled with ups and downs—has walked out on me and is staying at her single female friend’s house. She has come back a few times to do things for the kids and, on occasion, has even cooked tea for us. I spoke to her three days after she left, and she told me she didn’t love me and had been unhappy for a long time. This came as a shock to me because we have always had a great social and sex life, and we’re often out socializing with friends.

Recently, we’ve had some heated arguments, though she only once threatened to leave. I managed to talk her around that time, and everything seemed fine the next day. However, during another argument, I told her to “shove it,” and this time, she did. She walked out and has been staying at her friend’s house ever since.

She’s been gone two weeks now, and there’s no sign of her wanting to move back in. When she comes around, if I don’t bring up the subject of getting back together, it’s almost like she never left. We get along great during these visits, but when it’s time to leave, she simply says, “Right, I’m off now,” and returns to her friend’s house. She gets on really well with her single friend, who has a nice house, and she has told me she can stay there as long as she wants.

She’s going through the change at the moment as well, so I know that doesn’t help. But in 30 years of being with her, she has never said she doesn’t love me or not come back home after an argument. She’s never had a situation like this before, with a single friend who has a house she can use at her will, so I know that’s not helping the situation either.

But I can’t carry on like this. I need to know where I stand. I’m not here just to be friends with her—I need more. I want us to get back to how we were.

Every time I approach the subject, though, it doesn’t go well. She seems to me like she’s had enough of me but still wants to be friends.

Deep unhappiness is NO reason to do the sudden walkout instead of organising a split and new accommodation, and moving on with grace and kindness. There is no excuse, unless fear for your safety. I think people who do that to their partners do it to punish them.

What? I say something perfectly reasonable - ie that planning your move-out is better than giving someone a truly horrible shock - and you say give me a break? I really don't get what I said that warrants that expression. I'm guessing you did that to someone?

What were your arguments about?

I think that was in response to the suggestion that someone moving out after numerous heated arguments, previous talk of leaving and being told to “shove it” was the sort of completely unexpected shock that could cause a heart attack.

I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown. Your poor kids as well. I would avoid seeing her for now. If she wants to see the kids she can do it by herself, that’s the reality of how it’ll be going forwards. You’re making it too easy for her at the moment, she can just slot back in to family life as and when she wants.

Could you have parental responsibility in the week and she do the weekends? I know the eldest is an adult but your younger child still needs looking after.

Honestly I would look into walk away wife syndrome. Due to fact she didn't poison you last time she came back to cook dinner I would say that is a really good sign.lol Menopause is hard but being married and taken for granted is painful as well. I pray you and wife can sort it out. I would look into seeing if she is willing to go to therapy with you

I think the OP wants a womens view in all this

I can see why she left now...

I think people are suggesting counselling as a clearly managed way to get things out in the open. OP didn't realise she was unhappy, doesn't know why she left when she did, and there's no plan for moving on.

I'm sorry to agree that it sounds like it's really over, @Blimeyagain. I'd go further, actually, to say I don't feel it would be good for you or your children to let her come back if she should want to. Precipitately storming out seems to be her response to conflict; she's failed to educate you on what was going wrong from her point of view (she may feel she tried; all we know is that she didn't manage to). She hasn't proposed a split or even a childcare routine.

If you were to give it another go, you and your youngest would be walking on eggshells in case she did another flit. You need clarity and a reasonable plan.

Again, I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. This sounds trite, but for god's sake do look after yourself! Don't forget to eat properly, sleep healthily, wash, do whatever exercise you normally do. Make the effort to stay in touch with your friends, and watch out for excess drinking (you're allowed to cane it for a couple of weeks if you need to, but then stop!)

Good luck.

You sound like the bloke who sits around talking about women but never actually goes out with one.

😂

Maybe you need to reflect on things a little and try to see your relationship from her point of view perhaps.

Maybe you haven't seen the wood for the trees here, what are the common subjects for arguments, is the same topics coming up over and over by any chance?

Of course @Blimeyagain you don't have to do this you can continue navel gazing and posting 'I can't believe it' and so on... but if you want things to change, if its possible of course... you will have to alter your behaviour and thinking from here on.

I’m with you there. Give your wife space & work out what you want too.

@Blimeyagain, I've just posted this Mumsnet classic on another thread. I recommend it very strongly to you. Swap the genders where needed.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Thanks will have a look at that book. That and antidiluvian this thread is really educational.

Why were you engaged for 15 years?

Definitely look at walk away wife syndrome. By the time a woman leaves, she's generally been telling you what's wrong for a long time and nothing has changed for her. You might think she was happy if she wasn't complaining about anything, but when a wife stops talking about what's wrong, it's usually because she's given up. Then you're in trouble.

If you think she'd listen, I'd try to reflect on anything she may have raised in the past, apologise to her for not hearing her and acting on it, and suggest marriage counselling to help communicate. At least then she might think you are serious about the potential for hearing her and change.

Recently, we’ve had some heated arguments, though she only once threatened to leave. I managed to talk her around that time, and everything seemed fine the next day. However, during another argument, I told her to “shove it,” and this time, she did.

This whole paragraph is screaming at deeper problems here. Some heated arguments - about what? How were they resolved? Were they resolved at all or just swept away? ‘Managed to talk her around’ - again, doesn’t sound like anything was resolved you just convinced her to stay put. ‘And this time, she did’ - how many times have you told her to shove it?

You can come on her but the only person who can tell you why your wife left, is your wife. And i think she probably has told you loud and clear during these arguments but you haven’t been listening. Think back and reflect. Ask her, even, the question - ‘why did you leave?’

Beyond that though, for what ever reason she’s left. You said she’s still in contact with the children and looking for a place to rent so she’s clearly getting ready to move on. You need to start looking to a future without her.

To be honest with you, how could have another go?
You have no idea she was unhappy; this has blind sided you; the communication was obviously terrible. The repair needed is obviously huge. Why bother?

I think you're almost under reacting here OP. Probably because you've been blindsided and maybe because you're hoping that if you don't rock the boat your DW will drop this and come back.

Unless there is abuse (physical, sexual, coercive, financial etc) which would cause your a spouse to be in fear or danger then it's completely unacceptable to just walk out of a marriage and also come back for casual, chatty visits without giving a proper explanation* *of the reasons for leaving. It's disingenuous, whether the person leaving is male or female, to leave your spouse guessing at WHY you left. To do that and also appear at the house, acting as though things are fine, is awful behaviour and so disrespectful.

OP, in your shoes I'd be calmly asking your DW for a proper explanation. Stop acting as though if you don't really ask that, then she'll just come back. However be prepared to really, really listen because there will be a reason.

My ex wife did the same thing . It was 13 years once the divorce was finalized . The friend she moved in with 13 years ago she is still with. According to my son it was her friend that caused the whole situation between us. So no matter on how hard I would try it didn’t make a bit of difference. Come to reality and think deep. My ex claimed sex was boring .due to medical conditions for the both of us .she had Ibs diarrhea. So oral was out for multiple years after a near miss.

Yep

From my perspective, if you want her back you need to fight for her.
And by that I mean show her that you care. That doesn’t involve shouting. Really think about why you love her and why you want her back. And don’t talk about the chores she used to do. What about her character and personality do you love.

I would also stop having these conversations in the marital home. Arrange to go for a coffee or a walk and have a chat, no shouting, no arguing, just good old fashioned adult discussions. It is here you can express your true feelings of love and hurt to your wife. After this you should have a more balanced view as to whether your wife is open to counselling and reconciliation or divorce.

It is absolutely ok if you are wanting marriage or nothing. You have the right to set that boundary. But she has the right to chose nothing.

At the heart of this all, are your children. This will be taking an unseen toll on them. You’ll need to tap into your emotional side to really notice it if you haven’t already (sorry if this seems rude but as a sweeping rule men sometimes need a nudge to spot this stuff). Regardless of your relationship with your wife (ex-wife) you will need to remain amicable with her for their sake. It will be a much more positive experience for them growing up if they’re not put in the middle of you both & see you co-parenting with respect for each other.

I can easily see the other side of this coin with a thread about feeling unloved, under appreciated, walked out & husbands done nothing to try to keep her. She goes back & cooks dinner some times & it’s like everything is ok, then husband starts argument about situation. He’s not even trying to get me back after 30yrs. As a woman, this is what I’m imagining her side might play out similar to.

Isn't it hilarious to see the difference in replies between this thread and the other tonight where the man has informed the woman that a long marriage is over?

Are those valid questions right now?! Next you will be telling him she left because he does no cooking?!