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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has left me and 2 DC and won't tell me his new address

84 replies

advice · 28/04/2008 10:37

Husband moved out a couple of weeks ago but refuses to give me his new address in case I try to 'dump' the children on him. I have assured him this isn't going to be the case but I would like to know where he is in case of emergency etc (he says I have his mobile number so no need). The children are only 3 and 11 months so I would like to know where he is. Am I being unreasonable asking for it?

OP posts:

mishymoo · 28/04/2008 10:39

It sounds like he is trying to hide something from you. You have absolutely every right to know where he is and why is he concerned you might "try to dump the children on him"? They are his kids as well and he must face up to his responsibilities!

YANBU - your DH sounds like a complete twat..sorry!

ggglimpopo · 28/04/2008 10:40

You sound much better off without him. Get a hot shit lawyer and watch your back.

sleepycat · 28/04/2008 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 10:43

I have repeatedly asked him if there is someone else but he has denied it (he is quite convincing). Said we have just grown apart and he no longer feels the same about me. Came back from a week long business trip and said he had felt like this for a while but didn't mention anything (I actually thought we were very happy.)I am really confused.

OP posts:

sarah293 · 28/04/2008 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

littlewoman · 28/04/2008 10:46

He sounds bloody lovely, advice. The only reason you need his address is to satisfy yourself he's far enough away from you, I would think. If he doesn't want to give it to you, fine. Would you really and truly ever need it? I think this argument is more about a power struggle between you, rather than you really needing to know, in all honestly. Pick your battles, I would say.

littlewoman · 28/04/2008 10:48

I think business trips should be banned, except for single people, after the amount of threads about 'business trips' this month.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 10:49

Thanks, he is a very strong character and he has a way of making me feel in the wrong.

The first weekend he moved out he said he didn't have time to see the children but I later found out he had been running in a marathon.

This weekend he said he was annoyed at the access arrangements (sat and Sun afternoon and Tuesday bedtimes) because they gave him 'no life.'

He thinks I am being unreasonable asking him to babysit either a Friday or Saturday night (by prior arrangent) as I can always have friends over.

He makes me feel as if I am being very demanding.

OP posts:

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 10:52

Littlewoman perhaps you are right - I have stopped asking for the address but I find it odd he is so against my having it.

LOL at business trips banned. Very true.

OP posts:

TillyScoutsmum · 28/04/2008 10:53

YANBU (obviously) - nor are you being overly demanding. Sounds like he's hiding something (or someone). Get some legal advice as soon as possible. If he's being awkward about access, there's a strong chance money may start being an issue as well

citylover · 28/04/2008 10:58

My exH tells people and has almost convinced himself that the reason for our break up was that we had grown apart and had nothing in commnon.

IMHO this is a catch all blanket phrase which people use when they don't want to go into the real reasons for the break up or are in denial.

Do you think he has an OW? I can't understand why he would not want you to know his address unless he has something to hide. What if you want to send him soliitor's letter or similar.

My ex has a new partner now which is fine but he certainly does not want me to meet her.

He has a history of being secretive about many things.

Hope you get some answers.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 11:00

Yes, everytime I question anything he says he will stop paying the mortgage/bills.

Unfortunately I am financially reliant on him as I gave up my job - (on his request) as it made his career easier if I was at home to support him in the home. This was 3 weeks before he decided to tell me it was over.

I have asked if he was having doubts for so long, why on earth did he encourage me to resign. He doesn't have an answer.

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 28/04/2008 11:01

What a twat!

Get a babysitter while you follow him home from work.

Get some legal advice. If you start out going along with all these ridiculous demands things will only get worse.

'Dump the children on him'. Wanker

TBH I suspect there is someone else involved who has no children and he wants to spend all his time with her without interruption.

What is WRONG with these men who think they can just 'switch off' their previous family when they fancy a change?

Lulumama · 28/04/2008 11:02

get a lawyer now

and do everything the legal route

when he realises you are not going to roll over and give up then he will start paying attention

the children are his and he is obliged to maintain and support them

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 11:04

Could you contact his parents?

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 11:04

I agree that it sounds as if there is another woman although he says he needs more time because he wants more time to kitesurf/play golf etc rather than another woman.

Really not sure what to believe.

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Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 11:06

Beaniestevie - both of his parents died about 4 years ago now - he didn't grieve and often blames his behaviour on this trauma. At first I was sympathetic but I am starting to think it is an excuse for bad behavior.

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Lulumama · 28/04/2008 11:07

it is almost irrelevant whether he has another woman or wants to surf or whatever the hell he wants., he is neglecting his parental responsibilities and needs to step up

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 11:08

Ah - sorry, didn't realise. If I were you I'd do what others have said and seek legal advice.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 11:09

THink you are all right and it is time to see a solicitor. Thanks everyone.

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TillyScoutsmum · 28/04/2008 11:09

FFS - I'd like more time to have facials and have long boozy lunches but I have children as does your h. He can have some time to kitesurf/play golf but he needs to take some responsibility and look after his dc's

Why would him wanting spare time to play golf stop him giving you his address. It really does sound as though there is another woman. Sorry

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 11:17

Advice - how do you feel? Apart from teh children issue how are you? Are you relieved that he has gone? Would you give him another chance if he came back?

Hopefully you'll get through this and get stronger and stronger. Hopefully you can show him that you can cope and you do not need him. Good luck and get that advice. The sooner you start taking control the better you will start to feel.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 11:26

regrettably I would take him back tomorrrow if he asked (sad I know).

I come from a one parent family and always swore I would never put my children in that situation (was not a good experience).

One of the (many) reasons I loved my husband was because he was very anti divorce and splitting up families - he came from a stable background and said he would work things through whatever.

This is why this about turn is so out of character - even his closest friends are amazed and have said it is as if he is a different person.

I just have to accept the situation and get on with it but I am still in shock as it was all so sudden and came as a surprise.

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 11:32

Oh dear. I think you should approach it as if he isn't coming back, that way you can get on with dealing with the legal and financial stuff and take back some control. It also puts you in a much stronger position if he does come back begging for forgiveness. Of course it's up to you what you do if he does come back but at the moment he sounds like he's behaving very unreasonably considering that there are children involved.

From what you have written he's put you in a very vunerable situation. Did you say it's only been 3 weeks since you gave up your job? Perhaps look into getting back into work if you can fit the childcare round it or sort out some kind of childcare arrangement?

Also try to take as much help as you can from Family and friends.

You may end up taking him back but in the meantime getting yourself into a more stable and healthy state (Financially etc) will boost your confidence and prove you are strong

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 11:35

sorry - me saying 'considering there are children involved' sounds a bit crass. he's treating you like crap too

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