Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Husband has left me and 2 DC and won't tell me his new address

84 replies

advice · 28/04/2008 10:37

Husband moved out a couple of weeks ago but refuses to give me his new address in case I try to 'dump' the children on him. I have assured him this isn't going to be the case but I would like to know where he is in case of emergency etc (he says I have his mobile number so no need). The children are only 3 and 11 months so I would like to know where he is. Am I being unreasonable asking for it?

OP posts:

justaboutneedssleep · 28/04/2008 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueshoes · 28/04/2008 13:25

Good thing is he thinks you are a pushover. Let that be his downfall. Collect your evidence scrupulously, thoroughly and discreetly. Then sue the 7 shades of shit out of him.

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 13:44

Give her a break! This has happened recently and no doubt she is still in shock and still loves him. He left her and she can't be expected to turn off her feelings straight away.

Do change the locks though, and look for all legal and financial documents.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 13:49

Thanks everyone. I do know I am being a pushover but to be honest I keep thinking that he'll spend time enjoying the single life but then realise it is not the same when you are 37 rather than 22.

It is nice to hear other people say he is being unreasonable as when I say this to him he says I am just delusional and when I say friends think he is behaving unreasonably he just says they are only saying it to make me feel better.

Would ask for my old job back (I was a teacher) but they have already replaced me and are making redundancies amongst current staff as in financial difficulty. Will have to look for a new one when I am calmer.

OP posts:

SparklePrincess · 28/04/2008 13:54

Advice, you are not a pushover. Rushing into things would be the worst possible move right now. Get advice yes, but dont do anything until you have things clear in your mind.

chuggabopps · 28/04/2008 13:55

do you still want him back knowing how badly he can treat you? he doesn't deserve you and is only trying to undermine your confidence to assauge his guilt.
he may yet change his mind, but he can't take away the pain he has already caused you-therefore his punishment is that he doesn't get to have you, you can stand up to his bullying tactics. He may find that single life can be very lonely- but don't give him the opportunity to use you if he is. get busy with your own stuff- even if its just clearing his crap out of the cupboards, as this will give you a bit of distance from him living there.

SparklePrincess · 28/04/2008 13:57

Dont change the locks. If he is the legal owner of the property you are not allowed by law to do this, whatever the circumstances.
Unfair but true im afraid. It will reflect badly on you if you do this.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 14:06

Thanks sparkle princess - I didn't know that about the locks but I have not done anything so far because I know he would use it against me and would be a convenient excuse why he couldn't visit the children !

I have not been to see a solicitor in the past two weeks because my own mum did a similar thing and ended up rushing into decisions when feeling weak, being pushed around by my dad and let him leave her without very much money - she wasn't strong enough to stand up to him and said she wished she had left it a year or so as she would have been a bit more demanding.

However, I do appreciate that I may feel more assertive if I know my rights so will def be seeing a solicitor.

I do take on board what a lot of you are saying about even if he wanted to come back, should I let him because he is not treating me right. He does use the death of his parents as an excuse for his more irrational behavior but I am beginning to think it may just be a convenient excuse. Lots of people have dealt with awful things in their life but they don't walk out on young children to kite surf because of it!

OP posts:

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 14:07

I should add thanks again for everyones advice - it helps to get other perspectives x

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 28/04/2008 14:10

Hi Love

Can you let us know where in the country you are I am sure one of us can follow him home and find out what he is up to???

As for the excuses about his parents - well I am sorry when you have kids you have to get on with life and grieve around them - shit happens but as adults we have to put the kids first - bloody kitesurfing - I would mince his balls!

sitdownpleasegeorge · 28/04/2008 14:10

I stand corrected SparklePrincess. I think this demonstrates why it is so important to seek legal advice even if you have no intention of acting on it immediately unless that is what you are advised to do.

Could you gather up his personal financial stuff and store it somewhere where he can't find it or at least take photocopies of it all baecuse I do feel it will be useful information in the future.

Definately look at getting a new job a.s.a.p. (Xenia will back me up on this one) it is imperative that you are not dependant on such a flaky selfish individual for financial security.

madamez · 28/04/2008 14:14

Yes, get hold of all financial documents. photocopy them and put the copies in a safe place. THis man is making systematic attempts to defraud you. He may have taken out loans in your name, Get hold of everything you can, and find out as much information as possible about your rights, what benefits you are entitled to etc, and get the solicitors involved sooner rather than later.
He isn;t going to come back, and he is planning to disappear completely, you need to get what you can before he does so.

blueshoes · 28/04/2008 14:27

Madamez is right about the financial info. Make the copies, then put the originals back in the same place. Do not alert this man as to what you are doing.

On any loans taken out in your name or benefits applied for in your name, can you do a search? I am not sure how. Like Experian or credit referencing agencies. It would be sort of search that people pre-empting identity fraud would do. Maybe someone else can help to give more details.

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 14:39

Advice - Even if you are prepared to take him back if he asks, you still need to make sure that you are not kept down in such a vunerable position by him in the future, so anything you can do now will make you stronger. Taking control of the situation, even if it's not one you want to be in, will give you so much strength and confidence and it's so much better than just sitting and waiting.

I don't think your mum's experience should put you of at least going to the C.A.B to find out what your rights are and I really would get hold of copies of all the legal stuff while you can.

Is your husband letting himeslf into the house when he wants, and taking things from teh house? Now is your opportunity to go through the legal/financial stuff. Not in a snooping way (Man it irritates me when women start talking about hiring private detectives) but in a way which gives you the information you are going to need about finances etc.

You really mustn't sit back and rely on him (financially or emotionally) now, these are the ways he is able to control you.

Good luck, have you tried talking to your mum ?

hanaflower · 28/04/2008 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beaniesteve · 28/04/2008 14:45

"THis man is making systematic attempts to defraud you. He may have taken out loans in your name, Get hold of everything you can, and find out as much information as possible about your rights, what benefits you are entitled to etc, and get the solicitors involved sooner rather than later."

I've read back over the thread and can't see anywhere where it's said he is making systematic attempts to defraud her

madamez · 28/04/2008 19:35

Beaniesteve, he is concealing his whereabouts, using the threat of withdrawing financial support, and pressured the OP to give up her job: all suggests something very fishy going on. This sort of thing usually means the man has done something financially dodgy and is planning to vanish.

SparklePrincess · 28/04/2008 19:41

Or he could just be a complete @rsehole.

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 20:08

LOL sparkleprincess you have made me laugh for the first time in a week.

Had not thought of possible financial fraud (I am too niave) but I will be on my guard now.

Regrettebly I think sparkle princess is spot on. He is just an arse and I was stupid enough to marry him.

OP posts:

SparklePrincess · 28/04/2008 20:56

Glad I made you laugh Advice. If you dont laugh you`ll cry.

I think we may be married to the same person by the way.

littlewoman · 28/04/2008 21:21

You know, if he didn't grieve the death of his parents, sounds to me like there was something wrong with him BEFORE they died, never mind after. Jeeze, I hated my dad, but I still mourned when he died. He sounds like he has a personality disorder, advice. (Don't mean to be nasty, but that sounds wrong, not mourning your parents. Think he may be unable to feel at all )

littlewoman · 28/04/2008 21:23

This would also explain his repulsive attitude towards his children

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 21:32

Littlewoman - I think you are right. He has agreed to go for individual counselling and has seen his GP - I do think he needs help.

Although on days like today I think it is all just an excuse for being an arse !

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 28/04/2008 22:07

Have I understood correctly that the children have been going to stay with him sometimes when you don't know where he is? Is that wise?

Original poster

advice · 28/04/2008 22:12

No, don't worry they have not been to stay with him - I would not be comfortable with it as my youngest is 11 months and I would want to know where he is.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4