Man with a fearful avoidant attachment style

[Trustissuesoffputting]

Over the past couple of months what was as a platonic friendship has begun to turn into something a bit more. Nothing physical has happened yet but we've been spending time together and talking every day.

We both like one another a lot, that much is certain, but he has opened up about having some quite significant trust issues, to the extent he doesn't feel like he can trust "anybody". He gets anxious when he starts to develop feelings and apparently how he feels about me is triggering that. I think he's a textbook fearful avoidant, but atleast has some self awareness. Blind hope perhaps?

It's beginning to feel like this will be hard work and the push/pull will drive me up the wall but at the same time I'm disappointed as (this aside) we have so much in common and he's a really nice bloke.

Would you be prepared to deal with somebody like this, encourage them to work on their issue's or would you just draw a line and move on?

NC'd.

I seem to attract men like that as apparently ‘I’m easy to open up to’ and all that.

You’re already seeing the push/pull. It can get really frustrating, it’s hard work. It can take absolutely years to get to a comfortable place for you both.

If feeling loved by your partner and them doing things to make you feel special etc is important to you then I wouldn’t go there. You can feel very distant and shut out at times.

Has he had a serious relationship before?

Nope.

Don’t try to analyse him, figure out his attachment style, fix him etc etc etc.

If he genuinely want to change he’d do the work himself. He’s setting you up for a world of hurt, and he’ll justify it by saying “well I told you what I was like”.

You are not a rehabilitation centre for damaged men. Run.

Sounds like hard work. If he knew he had these issues then he could have worked on them prior to having a relationship. If he didn’t then it just seems a convenient thing to blame all bad behaviour on.

We've all got our issues. Very few people are totally healed and perfect. I know I'm not. Fearful anxious I think! But aware and working on it. I'd probably just see how it goes.

Worse would be a bloke who isn't aware and thinks he's all fine and dandy.

Everyone's got baggage, and everyone's got stuff to work on.

I'd take someone who knows what they need to work on and talks openly about it, over someone who's just blundering through blindly.

But as PPs have said, it's not just about whether he knows he's got stuff to deal with - it's whether he's actively interested in dealing with it, and if you're interested enough in everything else he has to offer alongside it.

Do you know your own attachment style, and how it's likely to interplay with what he's shared?

This.

He needs to do the inner work himself, it's not your responsibility.

Lose the saviour complex and find a man who is ready for a relationship.

Sounds like he's going to be hard work.

He doesn't want a committed relationship (he'll be able to say "I told you so" when he refuses to commit) but he's creating a false sense of intimacy by 'opening up' about his alleged issues, presumably in the hope you'll have sex with him. Fuck his manipulative horseshit.

This is the thing isn't it. Seems like all he's done is declare his issues at the outset to give himself a get out of jail free card when he inevitably fucks OP about. After all, he was upfront about his trust issues and anxiety right? She knew what she was getting into...

OP it's not on you to fix him, nor is it on you to sacrifice your own happiness and feeling secure in a relationship to accommodate his issues. Unless he's in intensive therapy right now working on this, he is literally just expecting you to live with it and giving himself free rein to treat you poorly.

You would be better to step back from this, and tell him you'll reassess a relationship once he's showed a commitment (ha...) to working on himself.

So from the other side of the coin, I’ve been diagnosed with FA/Complicated Attachment Style.

I’m dealing with it by living a lonely, celibate life as I feel I’m too much for anyone to love and don’t want to inflict myself on anyone.

I find the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube is very helpful. She has a book out now too and a “daily practice” for healing. The book Attached is good too.

In terms of the sort of partner that works for someone with an attachment disorder, really it needs to be someone who is securely attached. Are you secure attachment style? If not… maybe best letting this one go. My last partner was Avoidant…and it was a nightmare. Our relationship constantly triggered me because he couldn’t give me what I needed. But wouldn’t break up with me.

So only proceed if he isn’t triggering you. I’d be frank with him, tell him all the things you like about him, his good points, how you don’t want to end things but that you’re finding it hard. Ask him if he’s willing to do the work to stay together. Be firm with your boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Try couples therapy.

But seriously, only put the effort in if you are really in love and see this being long term. Otherwise, it would honestly be easier to find someone else.

This. You aren’t even going out with him, and it’s all already a bit of a headfuck. Tell him work on himself and once he’s got a handle on his trust issues, then get back in touch and tell you if he’s in the right place for a relationship.

Not worth it. Keep him in a friend zone. Date other people

Absolutely not.

Exactly

My husband was like this and it almost destroyed me. I have an anxious attachment style and it became incredibly toxic between us

Can’t you just stay friends, if that’s possible? He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship and you’re already second guessing and analysing him before anything had developed. Not promising…

Too much like hard work.

You'd be better off taking in a rescue cat if you want that sort of relationship dynamic, not a man.

@Trustissuesoffputting if this was how you felt around emotional connections what would you do?

Get out a little violin and tell everyone and expect them to cater to your emotional needs - or would you analyse the pattern of your behaviour. See something is wrong. And find help,, self help, therapy whatever.

Hw needs to do the work to be ready and open to an adult equal relationship.

To me, it sounds like he is setting the ground for you to dance the "pick me I'm worth it" dance around him, working hard to "melt his heart" while he sits there like a petulant child, doing nothing - or worth, treating you like shit while using his "issues" as an excuse.

Dump him and find someone who actively wants to be with you. He can go to therapy and come back when he is ready for a healthy adult relationship.

He will probably shag then ghost you and if you complain you will be the baddie because of his "issues", really not worth it

This is definitely a likely scenario. I’ve seen it with a friend who started to date after a divorce. The trust issues are real in his case, but I can also see the ways in which he uses them (not always consciously) to train others, particularly women, to expect absolutely nothing of him. It’s a kind of strategic incompetence.

Why would you go out with him when you could go out with a normal, balanced person who can treat you with respect

Hell no - life is too short to waste it fixing someone else’s emotional problems. You’re opening yourself up to years of having to settle for man child behaviour, broken dates, ghosting, refusal to commit to anything that might mean showing you’re a couple…can you imagine how tedious and emotionally draining that would be? Plenty more fish and all that / pick one that actually wants to be your boyfriend/partner, they do exist.

Case closed by the looks of it as I've just realised he has blocked me this morning. First time that has happened.

I don't think it's a coincidence that this comes after me telling him, yesterday, that if he goes hot and cold one more time then I'll be blocking him indefinitely.

It's self protection I think. These men will never be happy will they?

I know some people read things like this and think "he's just not that into you" but he definitely was.

I'm sure he'll resurface at some point. Ugh.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 You do not need this shit in your life. Women are NOT therapy for emotionally stunted men and you deserve a fully functional, emotionally mature human being who thinks you’re the beez kneez.

Trust me, when a man wants to be with you, when he thinks you’re amazing, when he thinks he connects with you, you know it. There are no mind games, no poor treatment or justification for poor treatment, no pick me moves, no gaslighting, no letting down. He knows it’s not in his interest to play games because he doesn’t want to take the risk of you walking away. This man is offering you the exit. Take it.