Man with a fearful avoidant attachment style

[Trustissuesoffputting]

Over the past couple of months what was as a platonic friendship has begun to turn into something a bit more. Nothing physical has happened yet but we've been spending time together and talking every day.

We both like one another a lot, that much is certain, but he has opened up about having some quite significant trust issues, to the extent he doesn't feel like he can trust "anybody". He gets anxious when he starts to develop feelings and apparently how he feels about me is triggering that. I think he's a textbook fearful avoidant, but atleast has some self awareness. Blind hope perhaps?

It's beginning to feel like this will be hard work and the push/pull will drive me up the wall but at the same time I'm disappointed as (this aside) we have so much in common and he's a really nice bloke.

Would you be prepared to deal with somebody like this, encourage them to work on their issue's or would you just draw a line and move on?

NC'd.

We know one another in person, see each other frequently, him going out of his way to make it even more frequent even.

He's a dad from school and our children are friendly. I know, I know 😔

I can only see that now because it's gone to shit though. If you'd have asked before my eyes were opened I'd have said how wonderful it was to have this budding connection with somebody else who's in my exact position. Lone parent, gets it, it would have been a good match on paper. So I thought.

Anxious and avoidant is definitely not a good mix.

I suppose atleast I can walk away with my dignity in tact somewhat, I didn't make a total fool of myself and did a pretty good job of painting the illusion of 'I know my worth mate, ship up or ship out' at the end.

It could be worse couldn't it?

You're all great. Thank you.

Never start a relationship with a "fixer-upper". It won't end well.

No, YOU’RE great and you deserve better.

All very true. Wise words.

He was insecure about me going out yesterday, wanted to know where I was going and who with, what time I'd be out until, whether anybody was trying to speak to me.

And he's back. That lasted all of what, an hour?

I'm giving some serious thought to doing as suggested and blocking him myself as it's all a bit too much I think.

Tell him to give you a call when he has sorted out his 'trust issues'.

Wow this is how he spends a Saturday?!

The best thing you can do for your future self is tell him this isn’t working and block him.

He will be absolutely lovely today, you’ll have a chat about it, he’ll apologise and give an excuse “I know, i’m sorry I just really like you and it scares me” or some such bullshit, and the cycle will continue.

He’s testing how much shit you will take from him. Please don’t fall into the trap.

I needed to hear that because that's exactly where it would be headed I think.

Thank you. I can't put up with that. I have too much good in my life to risk being miserable. It's not worth it.

I hope you found your peace when you got rid ♥️

Happier than I’ve ever been, because I am at peace.

It is impossible to be happy with a man like that. I stopped seeing my friends because he hated me going out. He cheated over and over again. One day I was the love of his life and he couldn’t cope without me, the next I was blocked. I cringe looking back because he really wasn’t anything special. He’s married now with a baby and still doing the same thing. Still messages me every so often from different numbers (all are ignored). He won’t ever change.

If he was a decent man, he wouldn’t enter a relationship right now anyway. He would go off and get therapy and come back when he was a safe partner, but they very rarely do the work do they?

Hurt people hurt people. Don’t be the one who ends up damaged because of him. Better to get out now than a year down the line.

He was insecure about me going out yesterday, wanted to know where I was going and who with, what time I'd be out until, whether anybody was trying to speak to me

Why do you assume he was insecure? It’s quite ballsy to pester someone like this when they’re out and even more ballsy to block them. These are the actions of a man who’s overly confident and controlling.

Forget attachment styles. This is abusive controlling behaviour.

I've done it, he's blocked. I don't know how I'm going to navigate seeing him next week now as he will almost certainly want to talk. Feeling a bit anxious about that.

I don't want to cause any issues for our children so I'm thinking a polite good morning and carry on walking is the only way of handling it to be honest.

But what do I do when they want to go to the shop together after school or to the park?

It's so messy. Never again will I get involved with somebody from school. What a stupid thing to do 😩

Why couldn't he have been a normal person.

I know he doesn't think himself as very good looking whereas I (and I'm cringing writing this, so forgive me) am often seen as being conventionally attractive.

I just punched the air! You have done the right thing, I promise.

Delete his number so you’re not tempted to unblock, keep it polite and civil when you see each other. Don’t feel like you have to force a friendship for the kids sake. If he tried to engage in conversation a simple “I won’t accept the way you act, and there is nothing to discuss”. Repeat as necessary. He is setting all the foundations for an abusive relationship.

Lick your wounds, dust yourself down, and find a man who isn’t this difficult to be with. Relationship shouldn’t be hard work, and especially not this early in.

I LOVE this ❤️

Don't waste your time trying to solve men's issues. Not your problem. If he isn't enthusiastic about having a committed relationship with you then move on and find someone who is. You deserve better.

This is what makes them happy. Because thus oscillation feels familiar and safe.

If he comes back to you try to remember thus feeling of shock and rejection. Because he is not going to change and he will meet every challenge by running away.

He's a commitment-phobe that's all. It would irritate me no end, so no, I couldn't be doing with pussy-footing round someone like that.

Fortunately, he seems to have done you a favour and bolted.

If he was "into you" he would not be doing stuff that could ultimately lead to to him losing you. Can you imagine caring about someone and not being bothered if they walk or stay?

@Trustissuesoffputting

He needs to stay blocked. Don't back down.

Beyond the 'issues' about trust he contacted you multiple times when you were out for the evening. That alerted my spidey senses. He's trouble.

Massive, massive red flag. He is totally incapable of trusting you to not go off and leap on the first man who stands still long enough. He seems to have a very low opinion of your morals.

NOPE.

It sounds shit and he will not be worth the effort.

If he wasn't interested he wouldn't keep contacting me would he?

This is completely wrong. There are thousands reasons for him to get in touch - boredom, validation, sex, whatever.

Keep him blocked. He blocked you so you would 'miss him' and wonder what you'd done and how to fix it. Then he came back to see if he'd done enough that you'd be apologising and being all 'soft' and letting him get away with the blocking in the interests of keeping him interested in you.

He needs therapy, not a girlfriend.