Man with a fearful avoidant attachment style

[Trustissuesoffputting]

Over the past couple of months what was as a platonic friendship has begun to turn into something a bit more. Nothing physical has happened yet but we've been spending time together and talking every day.

We both like one another a lot, that much is certain, but he has opened up about having some quite significant trust issues, to the extent he doesn't feel like he can trust "anybody". He gets anxious when he starts to develop feelings and apparently how he feels about me is triggering that. I think he's a textbook fearful avoidant, but atleast has some self awareness. Blind hope perhaps?

It's beginning to feel like this will be hard work and the push/pull will drive me up the wall but at the same time I'm disappointed as (this aside) we have so much in common and he's a really nice bloke.

Would you be prepared to deal with somebody like this, encourage them to work on their issue's or would you just draw a line and move on?

NC'd.

Cross post - block him back because he will inevitably unblock you so you get to repeat the whole cycle over and over again. The love bombing, the gaslighting, the discarding…

I'm not sure this avoidant attachment is a real thing, it sounds like a way to avoid admitting that someone isn't into you

Why are you letting him treat you like this?

Already it’s toxic - telling him you’ll block him, him blocking you…why is your bar so low?

He is not the love of your life. For the love of god block him and be done with it. I am concerned about your self-esteem - nobody with a strong sense of self worth would even entertain this shit. He can’t “reappear” unless you open the door for him.

Is this a pattern for you? Maybe you need to work on that before you start dating, because there are a lot of these dickhead men out there.

Was about to say that it's only a matter of time before you do something 'wrong'. But I see it's happened.

I have three exes like this. Then I had therapy. And learnt to like people who were good to me and good for me and good with me.

If he had wanted to do work on his trust issues, alone, and contact you again in 6 months, during which time you'll be free, not waiting, that's different.

I'm so sorry. Wounded men can be adorable but hurt people hurt people.

Henry Tilney is my favourite Jane Austen hero, closely followed by Frederick Wentworth, and I never liked Darcy or Mr Knightley. The Henry Tilneys are worth their weight in gold. A funny, forgiving man who doesn't mind doing the Christmas shopping with you.

Thank you for all of the replies they're very helpful, especially in light of the block. It's a bit of a shock and I'm probably going to feel quite upset once it has sunk in.

I have an anxious attachment style but I masked it well, to the extent I was able to mirror him when he pulled back.

Which of course meant he pulled in again.

When he did I made it clear that I wasn't going to tolerate that kind of behaviour and he seemed genuinely sorry and sad. I said he had one more chance and if he did it again I'd block him and that would be that.

I softened later into the evening (we were texting lots, i was on a night out) and when I got home I sent him a message saying "home now, wish you were here x"

He read it, didn't reply, posted a load of crap on his stories (which he never used to post on until our situationship came about - then he started posting endlessly to get my attention)

Then blocked me.

Stings though 😔

If he wasn't interested he wouldn't keep contacting me would he? When he went quiet I completely left him to it.

It was all very bizarre to be honest.

I think he's a very damaged person.

Oh good who needs those sorts of games. It can be addictive to the right personality so don't even start it. Time to forget him now and block him so he can't resurface.
It all smacks of very low self esteem and people with very low self esteem don't make for strong, stable, functional relationships.

Self-protection is a slightly face-saving way of viewing it, OP. I’m sure that’s probably part of it, but from how you describe him, a large part of it will also be that you’re now making it clear that you have expectations of him, and are developing feelings for him, and he can’t cope with the ‘pressure’ of that.

At least you realised this brfore you actually embarked on a relationship with him. Don’t get sucked back in.

Yes he would. Because you’re giving him the validation he craves. He knows that even if he treats you like shit by blocking you, you’ll welcome him back with open arms when he decides to get in touch again.

You’ll reassure him that you’re different and can be trusted, while telling him how wonderful he is. Big ego stroke.

Insecure men NEED it. He’s insecure is he? Ok, so that will be his excuse when he’s texting other women, cheating. He’s so insecure he can’t stand the thought of you going out, but he’ll be the one sneaking around behind your back.

If he was interested, and whole, and healthy, he wouldn’t risk losing you. Men don’t play games with the woman they want. There’s no way they would risk losing someone they really wanted.

We can all see what’s coming here a mile off.

You are right, there's definitely some self esteem issues going on for me to put up with that.

He was the first person I'd felt anything for after leaving an almost decade long, dead end relationship. I was excited at the prospect of falling in love again.

Thinking about it, what he was doing basically amounts to intermittent reinforcement, and that is an absolute head fuck.

Why do you need him to be interested? Is he very pretty? Mine were, I basically had the same standards for them as for rescue cats. He's not that special and not very nice. He's mostly interested in his own feelings, not the joy of finding out about you and sharing things. You don't need to nanny or convert him into finding true happiness or appreciating you properly.

You have definitely got his card marked, spot on.

I'm so sorry you've dealt with all of this too. It's mentally draining isn't it?

It's all about them. Every time.

You and I deserve so much more.

I’ve been exactly where you are, even down to it being the first relationship after a divorce.

Please, please listen to me when I tell you this man will destroy you.

Mine was “insecure and had trust issues” too. Used to disappear and block me all the time. My mental health was on the floor, and he cheated repeatedly because he needed the external validation. Please, I beg you do not entertain this man. There are men out there would would fall over themselves to treat you properly x

@Trustissuesoffputting it's all about his ego. I'm sure he has many people he goes to for validation , the fact that he circles back to you isn't a compliment. It just means he thinks you have poor boundaries.

Of course he wants your attention when you're out doing other things then ignores you when you're free. It's all part of the game for him.

Stay away and work out why you got involved in this mess in the first place.

No. No. No.

I'd possibly give him a chance.. but the minute he does anything abusive he's out the door. It can be a red flag for being controlling. Him saying that could be paving the way for you to tolerate abuse of that type. But then again he could be just sharing his feelings with you. And he could be someone who trues to take responsibility for them. I guess you won't know until you actually start a relationship.
But please do not tolerate any controlling behaviour out of sympathy. His issues are his own to deal with.

Why do you think it's your job to "fix" him? He needs to work out his emotions before embarking on a "relationship" with anyone.
Why set yourself up for misery from the outset?

Oh sorry I should have read the update about the blocking!
Yeah so he's acting unhinged already. You are right to knock this on the head.

If he’s genuinely diagnosed with that attachment style by a professional with the qualifications to do so, it would be worth reflecting with a counsellor what is the attraction for you of that type of personality.

This.

So he has told you what you should expect and accept of him then tested that theory to see how much of a pushover you are. How easily you can be talked round into giving him one more chance.

You gave him a chance and he pushed a bit more.

Definitely block him back now otherwise he'll think he can smarm and wheedle his way back into your life and your "boundary" of blocking him if he does it again isn't a boundary at all if you don't follow it through.

Allow yourself a few days to wallow in self pity then see this for what it is - a lucky escape.

If you can, work on your own insecurity and trust issues too - masking them is a bit pointless unless you're only ever going to have a series of short relationships where there's no risk of your mask slipping.