Man with a fearful avoidant attachment style

[Trustissuesoffputting]

Over the past couple of months what was as a platonic friendship has begun to turn into something a bit more. Nothing physical has happened yet but we've been spending time together and talking every day.

We both like one another a lot, that much is certain, but he has opened up about having some quite significant trust issues, to the extent he doesn't feel like he can trust "anybody". He gets anxious when he starts to develop feelings and apparently how he feels about me is triggering that. I think he's a textbook fearful avoidant, but atleast has some self awareness. Blind hope perhaps?

It's beginning to feel like this will be hard work and the push/pull will drive me up the wall but at the same time I'm disappointed as (this aside) we have so much in common and he's a really nice bloke.

Would you be prepared to deal with somebody like this, encourage them to work on their issue's or would you just draw a line and move on?

NC'd.

This

One of the most baffling aspects of whatever it was we had going on was that he quite easily could have got his leg over, to be frank, if that's just what he was after.

It was as though the idea of it actually happening freaked him out.

Twice, we pretty much scheduled a bunk up and he panicked at the last minute and backed out. That royally pissed me off because of the amount of effort I had gone to in the lead up.

The pattern I observed is that we are absolutely fine, deep and attentive conversations included, until sex comes up (sometimes initiated by him but sometimes by me)

Then it doesn't happen, he goes weird, comes back apologetic and talks about his trust issues, how trust is a big thing for him and he can't trust anybody and how he he gets anxiety about me.

I've never met somebody so bizarre.

I started to wonder whether he might be impotent or something.

This. Asking 'whether anybody was trying to speak to me' is a massive sign of a problem issue.

It is isn't it.

I would never ask a man that question.

I wouldn't ask ANYONE, except perhaps a young child, that question.

Well done! Think of how much worse this would be if you'd had sex with him and then he'd had his "avoidance" issues afterwards. You'd feel so very low. And now you've valued yourself highly as you should. You have your dignity unlike him. I am so impressed with you blocking him. If I could turn back time I'd do that with more than one (but currently having counselling as it is a pattern for me, putting up with too much crap)

He might have some issues surrounding sex (real or perceived) - he equally might not. What he does have though is a fucked up mind that makes him behave in a way he does. And no, its not your job to "help him get better" - he most likely is completely happy with the way things are. Just walk away.

A big thanks to you lot for the kick up the bum and encouragement. It's definitely the right decision I can see that now.

I do agree it's a fucked up mindset, the reason why doesn't matter as much as the impact it has. I'm definitely chucking this one back in the pond. I have a daughter and I'd be so sad if she settled for something like this.

Bingo. Don’t model this type of relationship to her. If it’s not good enough for her, it’s not good enough for you.

Is he gay and in denial?

Make up your mind in advance how you are going to treat him when you bump into him at the school next time. Choose a kind if relationship—distant cousin, former schoolmate, and model yourself on that. That way you can handle the memory of the former shared conversations but they have already been relegated to the “inactive” file in your brain.

Put on a calm social smile and walk smack up to him and jump in with bland statements of fact “lovelyvweather” etc… If he tries to resume push pull confidences just smile and shut it down. Handle it so he avoids you rather than you avoiding him.

I bet you will find he’s done this to plenty of women in the school set.

I am in no position to give out relationship advice. Apart from the fact I'm going through a very painful divorce with an avoidant at the moment. I am an empath and anxious so I attract them! I would agree with the other people saying he needs to have some therapy and heal the wound before attempting a relationship with anyone. It's so very painful just don't do it to yourself. I have developed a trauma bond and I'm struggling a lot with it xxx

I'm anxious avoidant and also very self aware. Been married for years, the attachment with DH and children is secure. DH was my first attachment, I don't feel comfortable around family, love my friends and we are good to each other but I wouldn't say I trust them 100%. That doesn't mean I bring anyone any difficulties, attachment style doesn't define a person and it can also change.

Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope.

'Fearful avoidant attachment style'

Is this the mental gymnastics women are using these days to excuse and psychoanalyse crap blokes who don't want a relationship?

Honestly, I read nothing bar your title and my advice is the same as it would be had I read all your posts .... just throw this one back in and stop with the armchair psychology

Yeah, I was wondering that too.

Or a small dingaling.

Fearful avoidant attachment style

Aka, a twat.