my dp has told me he hates me for getting pregnant and having our dd

[veryunhappychappy]

I am devastated.

Everything is crumbling around me and I do not know what to do. dd is 5 months old today and since she was 4 weeks old he has been viciously nasty to me, very critical, scathing comments every time i speak/ do anything. he is unwelcoming to my friends and family and pretty controlling at times. i feel totally paralysed by him and it's at the point where i do nothing but try and stay out of his way when he is at home.

i found out about a month ago he has a codeine addiction, on top of a problem with cannabis -which i knew about, but have always been supportive of his efforts to stop, and have always remained hopeful that he would. all my hope is going. not just for that but for absolutely everything. he spends hundreds of ££'s a month on his addictions (this has become very obvious since i went on maternity leave and am unable to plug financial gaps).

i feel i am treading a very fine line at the moment and am not sure if all this is making me depressed.

i am so sad for dd. she is a lovely, bright baby and he is so detached from everything that he shows very little interest in her - not because he isn't interested, but because he is absolutely full of self loathing and anger.

He has stopped eating and has lost lots of weight. he won't eat anything i make because my food is 'shite'. he had developed control issues to the point of neurosis which means he wants to do everything himself, meaning he spends even less time with dd. at a rough estimate i would say he takes sole responsibility of her for less than 30 mins each day.

He ignored my 30th birthday in favour of buying and smoking cannabis -and completely ignored valentines day too. since then i have not kept quiet to keep the peace but have been responding to his criticisms and actually wrote him a long letter outlining my fears (that his behaving this way is making me depressed and is putting everything at serious risk). He broke down and confessed to the codeine addiction and is now getting drug counselling.

i don't want to sound like a complete wet rag, but he is not a wicked person. i know this behaviour stems from him being deeply unhappy and confused about his parents messy separation when he was a child (he has a deep mistrust of women and i have put myself right in his firing line for becoming a 'mother' i think). i am finding it harder and harder to see him. i miss him so much. it is like he is just slipping away right in front of my eyes and there is nothing i can do. he won't let me help.

Today he told me he hates me for getting pregnant and trapping him. i have devastated his life by doing it. dd was not planned and he says he has no trust for me as a result. He is lived that we didn't discuss an abortion (at the time I said it was something i could not do).

Please help, I do not know what to do.

Sorry, long. (am a namechanger btw)

Actually Littlewoman, I think you are right in the previous post, she is part of the problem. She is allowing his behaviour, and so condoning it, so he doesnt really have to change. Her love for him and her talking and trying is standing in the way for his getting better.

She should go with him to the councillor, at least so she can learn how best to help him. She has her own ideas how to help him, but she is no psychologist, she is no trained councillor, (not that you should be of course to conduct a relationship), and so far her method is not really helping that much.

I haven't read the whole thing but I believe you must get out to protect your daughter from what she is witnessing, it is a very destructive situation.
Go now, and wor on it if you feel you need to from a safe vantage point - don't let a reluctance to 'give up' get in the way.
It sounds like you want to fix him and you can't, you can;'t, you really can't. It will take a long time for him to overcome his issues enough to be a reasonable human being toward either of you, despite his inner good he can't help himself.

Wishing you lots of courage xx

Regarding the blame for getting pregnant bit:

if he mentions it again, tell him clearly that every single time he has sex he is potentially fathering at least one child, that he has no right to pass that responsibility on to anyone else, that he should be aware of the consequences of his own actions and that as far as that argument goes, it is an irrelevant point, as the person HE made with you now exists, and that his main focus should be looking after her by sorting out his life.

work sorry in a rush

Addicts can't really have proper relationships with others, because their primary relationship is with the drug. If he can get clean, then he is much more likely to be able to build a relationship with your dd. Proximity won't achieve that - only sorting out his problems will. You could still leave, and he can see her. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

As others have said, however much you want to try and sort things out, you can't. Only he can. Support is often enabling - do you think he could sustain his addiction as well as a normal life if he was alone? Often a partner might limit what they can spend, help out financially, keep a roof over their head, get them up for work etc etc. But you're protecting him from the consequences of his actions, not helping him change.

Splish is right, all the time you atsy you are enabling his addiction, it hurts to know that but it's true. You have to say at this point, I am going to protect myself and dd from this situation and try and give her a stable environment while you go off and seek help.
Unless you change I will not be returning to a relationship with you.

It is probably the only way if he is as badly involved as he sounds

My grandfather (late) was an alcoholic for many years but only stopped when my grandmother told him he stopped or that was that.
He got help, he stopped, he came home and stayed sober. Sadly it was too late for three of their children but the fourth is relatively undamaged...I hate to say it but I think your DD is at risk of emotional issues resulting from the way he is behaving around you both.
How sad for you all and I hope he will find the motivation to get help. Every time you allow him to fck up and stay, he is taking that as an OK to continue fcking up iyswim.

stay
arghh

am truning itno cod

vuc i am so that you can't see what EVERYONE who has been on this thread is saying, i really don't think i have ever been on an mnet thread where everyone's answer has been unanimous !
He is being nice to you now because he doesn't want you to go because then he wii have to face up to his problems.
I really hope you can protect dd from this if you choose to stay

Vuc I might really be off here, but when you were little, did you feel you had to try very hard to get your dad to like you?
I only ask as I was like that as a girl, and carried it over into adulthood so any blok I was with I felt it was my 'job' not to give up on him. It would have been painful for me to do so.
Just a thought, probably not the case at all

I am torn between crying, shouting, shaking you and giving you a cuddle.

Your baby deserves better even if you can't see that you do..

You can't be his mother and you can't save him if he doesn't want to be saved.

I would lock the door and chnage the loacks if it was me but that isn't very mature.

Do the best for you and your baby. You owe it to her.

Just remember you are like a teabag.

Put you in hot water and you get stronger.

please stop making excuses for him ,i presume he is an adult ? You mentioned that he is like he is because of his parents break up ,well that may well be a reason but it is not an excuse to treat you the way he is EVER. Try to look at the situation as though it was one of us who had posted ,read your own post back and imagine it was your best friend going through this ,what would you say to her ?

Why are you not listening to these women who are sharing their experiences with you and are all advising the same thing?

Please don't think that your dp will not treat your dd the same way because he will, only he'll be high and it "won't be his fault".
Anyone who can wish his dd wasn't born is a real risk to her & personally I would never leave the child in his sole care after that conversation, regardless of whether you stay.

You need to think about the implications of living with an abusive drug addict because should anyone tell social services they think your child is at risk, they will investigate and will rightly want to know why you didn't act to protect her.

Squackycake
That's a good point. This situation sounds close to emotionally abusive for your DD if it isn't already. Social services would take that very seriously and you would be expected to take any steps to protect your daughter. Steps you should be taking already.
It can't be said often enough, or loudly enough. He's not important. You are not important. Your DD needs protecting from this situation. It's your job to do it. Be a parent and accept your responsibility.

Thanks for your posts everybody.

Please believe me that if DD was in any danger at ALL I would be a million miles away. She is a happy, bright baby and she loves her Daddy - very obviously so. That is why all this has got to change, and change quickly.

And to be completely clear - he hasn't said he wishes she wasn't here, but that he felt press ganged into the pregnancy because i wouldn't discuss not going through with it at the time. Which I stand by - it was my body, my choice and his choices were either to leave me or to stay and get on with things. What I stupidly haven't realised/noticed is that he has got himself into an unholy mess because he has been festering about this for so long. i do feel guilty about that as i have only been focusing on DD really.

We are both under no illusions that if the situation doesn't improve then she will suffer the most damage. This is exactly why he is taking steps to get off this crap and sort things out. I want to help him do that - not because I am some sort of blind moron, but because i am his partner and neither of us want our family to fall apart. I am very clear that I am not his 'helper' - i am making a choice to support him as somebody who believes in him.

Squacky I'm sorry if you think i am just ignoring what everyone is saying - i need somewhere to just get all this out as i can't go into so much detail anywhere else. Everybody has a different flash point and i just haven't quite reached mine yet. I hugely value every single post and it is giving me a lot of food for thought - that is the purpose of a forum like this, and not simply to do what others tell you to. If I leave I will do so in my own time, having weighed up all of our options and having watched how the land is lying over the next little while.

Flight - thanks for your post...i have wondered how the hell this has happened actually because fortunately i am from an extremely supportive and close family - my own Dad is a lovely man, fair, and very proud of all of us- he loves his children very much and has always wanted to be involved with us and what we do. His own Dad was totally awful which meant he knew exactly what not to do, i think. He is terrific with DD. What I have learned from growing up in a family like that is that it is important that everyone is valued and loved. That is how a successful family works, and that is my experience so far. Of course every one of us has had individual problems and hurdles to overcome, but the way we have always dealt with things is not simply to abandon whoever is struggling.

Yes, DP is acting like a complete shit to me at the moment -i know from experience that this initial phase of his counselling will be the most difficult for us as he tries to blame everyone but himself. But I also know that he will then reach a point of realisation and change. That is what I am holding on for.

No I can totally understand that you're using the forum to lay down your thoughts.
I also know from my own professional experience that your child could well be placed on the 'at risk' register because of her fathers drug abuse.
Respecting everyone's place in a family is very important, i absolutely agree, but your Dh seems to think he deserves more than others and from the way you say he treats you, that you deserve less.

I honestly wish you luck with your choices x

"Yes, DP is acting like a complete shit to me at the moment -i know from experience that this initial phase of his counselling will be the most difficult for us as he tries to blame everyone but himself. But I also know that he will then reach a point of realisation and change. That is what I am holding on for".

So you are "happy" therefore to be treated like complete shite?. What a fine message this sends your daughter NOT. And something else too - you are also being emotionally damaged here by his behaviours.

If you really want to help him you need to stop the excuses and stop enabling him. He must see the full consequences of his actions. If that entails you and DD leaving so be it.

He is blaming everyone except himself anyway for his problems - don't think counselling will honestly help him primarily because he's not ready to hear it.

With regards to your penultimate sentence you need to realise there are no guarantees here. He may have all the counselling and moral support in the world but he may still ultimately decide to continue his drug use. He may have periods of relapse when he goes back to it. What will you do then?. He may never be fully clean.

He will have to also change his whole lifestyle and make a completely new life for himself from scratch - don't waste the next one to three to five years of yours continuing to hope that he's going to reach a point of realisation because he may never reach that point.

VUC, I am sorry if I suggested it might be to do with your father, if in fact you don't feel this is likely. I was trying to cast light on a situation I don't fully understand.

What you're saying reminds me of a dear frend whose family life was also very happy - idyllic even - as a child. However she still had some dreadful boyfriends, and instead of giving up on them, she took the crap, and assumed that because her parents totally accepted her and her siblings, she should do the same for this bloke and he would 'get better'.

Of course all the dickheads she was with, took her forgranted and continued to act like shits, because their own parents had not accepted them, and they were emotionally damaged...she had muddled cause and effect, and the actuality was that she was nice because her parents accepted her from the beginning, and accepting someone later in life when they are not used to it, does not make them happy or Ok in the same way.

She also muddled the mens' position in the relationship.
To her they were like children, to be parented and healed and made into nice partners.
They were not. They were grown up men who were behaving like arseholes.

I really feel you are muddling your partner with a child, in the way you speak about him.

You're not his parent and until you realise he has responsibilities and it isn't about you 'giving up' it's about him getting a grip and behaving sensibly, you will be onto a losing battle.

Sorry to sound harsh. I just think you need to wake up a bit x

Squackycake I've glad you've said that - it is entirely likely that your dd could be placed on the at risk register & tbh if you continue in this relationship that may be the least of her problems.

Attila is worth listening to on this subject even if you take no notice of the rest of us...please, please read her posts. She is very good at this stuff.

unhappy...so sorry you are going through this..thought I would pass on my delightful (ha?!) family eperiences.
Of my and DH's numerous siblings we have clocked up 1SIL alcoholic, 2SIL drug addicts, 2BIL alcoholics and 2BIL drug addicts.
Over the past 20 years, without exception these lovely gits have first abused themselves, with drink and/or drugs, they then proceeded to abuse their partners mentally and then physically. They ALL had kids and proceeded, in the end, to abuse them, mentally and physically. Such choice items as: walking around the housing estate yelling "who will take my f*cking kids I don't want them", hitting them, stealing their dinner moeny to buy drugs, and a corker when one partner sold the house and threw the partenr and 2 kids on the street (literally). Oh selling the entire house possessions when the rest of the family were on holiday was minor by comparion, and the being high when their father died and pissed at the funeral are almost commonplace. High on herion at the kids' wedding etc etc was expected.
Anyay, two of these specimens have dried out and come off drugs. They are now appalled by what they did BUT both had many MANY attempts to give up and finally only did it after near death experiences (collapsed liver and a coma for one, and falling off a building for the other). Both now say "you cannot give up unless you want to". No one can do it for you, you can be supportive, but if the addict does not want to change they won't. They also went off and detoxed on their own, cut off from drink and drugs and family. The others do not want to change and don't. Your partner has to give up drugs for himself and you can't do it for him.
My brother is ALWAYS making excuses for his drunk wife and for years it was "at least she only picks on me not the kids" and guess what...she has started on the kids now.
Please don't let your DD go through this.

Your partner may be saying he can't cope as a dad, but what about you? You are coping as a new mum and living with a drug addict?! You are having a way worse time than him, he is being unutterably selfish.
Talk to your family...surely your dad would be apppalled at what your partner is doing/saying. Your partner, at the end of the day, is jealous of the baby because he is no longer at the centre of your attention. He says he loves her, but that is classic manipulation because that remark is only designed to make you like him and not leave him. He can't love her that much or he would not treat her mother like shit and take drugs to blot out both his partner and his daughter.

z

Sorry about that single z - was just testing to see if a new name would work. Not suggesting I'm going to sleep.

I was a similar person to your DH. DW and I had one child, whom I fell in love with immediately. Then she wanted another, but - for all sorts of reasons - I really didn't. I tried to discuss this with her, time and again, but felt I was never being listened to. In the end, I decided her reproductive preferences were more important than mine, and she got pregnant again. And I fell into a state of rage that lasted the best part of two years. I was furious at having been so completely ignored, furious at the imposition on my life, furious at the certainty that my own troubled relationship with my sister would be replicated in my children, furious that DW could seemingly care so little for what I wanted. I was not abusive to her, in the anrrowest sense, but I was surly and uncommunicative and difficult, and I was self-harming and smoking so much weed I'm surprised I didn't turn into a shrub. DW came to prefer it when I was stoned, because at least then I was not seething. She later told me she thought she would have to leave me.

But it all changed. And it did so because we both realised we couldn't go on like this - so we sat down and talked, and it was like a blister had burst. Finally, I felt like she was listening to me, and she felt like I was confronting my own rage. And I duly fell in love with my second child, too. Our marriage now is stronger then ever - after more than a decade we are very much in love with each other, perhaps more than ever.

In retrospect, I realise how lucky we were to turn our marriage round with one evening of talking. And I'm not suggesting yours can necessarily be sorted so easily. But I'm just suggesting that this might not be quite as simple as some of the He's-A-Monster-Get-Out-Of-There postings might suggest. If you love him, and feel that he loves you, force the conversation. It's your relationship, no one else's, and if you feel it is worth saving then it's not just up to him to turn it round, it's up to both of you. I hope it all works out: God only knows what would have become of me if we'd let our marriage shatter under the pressure of my rage.

Thank you, thank you so much for that post. I am in tears again. I am desperate not to lose hope here. I am trying to communicate that the situation is not black and white, and while I do see that everyone is giving honest opinions, i do not believe in just jacking everything in.

I don't understand the addiction. At all. I have been fortunate enough to have never fallen prey to drugs so i don't understand the compulsion on bit. I can understand his anger though, and despite what many posters are saying, he loves dd. Anyone can see that he's not putting that on for effect.

At least part of our 'blister' burst on Sunday - and the situation actually sounds fairly similar...i have put up with the smoking for a long time thinking 'well at least he isn't getting cross about things'.

The problem is his anger rather than the drugs. It isn't jealously of DD, truly - I know him well enough to know that. He is furious with me for taking his choice away from him and he has tried to numb that out.

Please keep posting newname, if you don't mind.