Should I leave my lying husband?

[ceruleansky]

My husband and I are college sweethearts and we got married in 2022 and had a baby this year, in July.

I found out a few things about him the past 4 months after getting into his Google account and WhatsApp chats.

1. He lied to me that he was at work and was out drinking

1. We are a non smoking household, but he has been smoking from 2014, maybe 4 a week and I did not know about it.

After we started living together I did smell the smoke on him occasionally, but not every day. He said it was the effect of his friends who smoked near him.

1. I found a secondary gmail account on his phone which had a Google drive file that was a chat back up with one of his "friends" from university (not the one we went to, this was from when he studied masters in another city). In the chat, it was revealed that he kissed this woman and told her he loved her. But he also said he would only be with her until he leaves the uni, which was a month after they met. He took me to lunch to meet this person and I did. That was 6 months before we were married. But he says after he left the uni he stayed friends with her but didn't chat that way.

1. I found subscriptions to dating apps on his phone, I confronted him and he said they were used by his friend. But I knew this was a lie because the profile was in his name.

1. I also found some messages where he got caught in one of those youtube scams where they video call you and a half naked woman shows up on camera, asking you to do things while they screen record you and then send you the recording and extort money from you. He showed his privates and asked the woman via chat how it was. He ended up getting scammed anyway.

1. He also chatted with other women or possibly guys doing these scams on dating apps.

1. He has DMed a few women on instagram (models, etc) "gorgeous" or "sexy". He also DMed people from uni.

We have a 4 month old, this is a 14 year relationship and almost 2 year marriage.

From what I see from his Google history/activity he has not done anything after we got married.

He didn't admit to anything until I showed him proof and he says he really wants to change and would never do any of it again.

can’t fathom that you include him smoking in this catalogue of terrible behaviour

He’s cheating Op
and will cheat relentlessly and continually for as long as you’re with him

Nothing in your post tells about how you feel: about him, about this ….

It sounds like it's going to be really hard to rebuild any trust here.

In my experiences people do not change so this is what you will get in your relationship moving forward,

Could the dating apps have been from before you were together?

If you do stay, buckle in for a lifetime of disappointment….steel yourself.

@gummania
I don't care about anyone else smoking. I just can't stand it in my house, the smell makes me sick. And it's more so about the lying and pretending he doesn't do it and even looks down upon it.
He has also smoked weed and used a vape so.

@BunsenBurnerBaby
Needless to say, not the best postpartum experience. I found out about the first thing within 30 days of having my baby, when he came home drunk and couldn't help with the baby. That's when I went through his phone to check if i could find proof of him going out drinking. That's when i found out he had been smoking. Prior to this, I never did such a thing. I trusted him blindly.

I feel like my world has ended. I'm trying not to slip into a bad mental state because of my baby. He doesn't deserve that.

@winter8090
We met when we were 19 and 17, back in 2011. The dating app membership emails were between 2020 and 2021. He hasn't used the app after 2021, when he was caught in the scam. He has not met any of them either.

The only reason I'm even considering this is because he's been perfect to me. Not a single flaw. It's like I've uncovered a whole other person. It couldn't be the same guy because I swear we don't even fight. We had a wonderful wedding and a sweet little boy. I don't want him to grow up without both parents, that's the only reason. Honestly if we weren't married I would've broken up. Now there are two families and a baby involved so I'm split.

I think like you too, but i'm also looking for instances where people might have changed and things could've gotten better.

When people sat they never fight- someone may be too accommodating and hiding their feelings in an attempt to look perfect to their partner- you NEVER disagree?

He does now have a 'flaw' - he messages other women. Stay if you want but when someone shows you who they are, believe them

This isn’t so much a “flaw”
as indicative of a pretty rotten core

He’s a liar, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

You say he has been perfect to you.
But he hasn't. That is the most worrying thing about this: his ability to lie and cheat on you and hide it so well that you had absolutely no idea about this other side of him.
So going forward how can you ever trust him? How can you trust that he isn't just putting on the Mr Niceguy front whilst doing whatever he wants behind your back?
A liar never changes. That is who they are.

@MyEarringsAreGreen
We disagree, but we fix it asap. Maybe the same night or the next day. Maybe the biggest argument we had lasted 3 days. But nothing has ever been seriously wrong, no toxicity, no jealousy. We have had a really lovely relationship. That's why I'm shocked. He says all of this has nothing to do with me or us, and that they were just stupid on his part, where he should've stopped himself and he didn't.

It's a huge betrayal of my trust. And I hate the fact that he made me meet the woman he kissed. I hugged her, I was nice to her. Although I never liked their friendship, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, I just want to try and move forward. With or without him, is what I have to decide.

What a silly “man” getting caught up in a sex scam, just goes to show how some think with their dicks.

What makes you think he has been drinking in secret, has he not been coming home or been out of the house for long periods of time? Just a thought but could he have been messing around on these dating apps while drunk, not excusing his betrayal of your trust.

Honestly if you think you can work through this then I’d say this is salvageable but it simply just depends if you can gain that trust back, if he has some sort of sex addiction then some therapy wouldn’t do him any harm.

in all that you have uncovered…. you have still only been disagreeing? no confrontation?

You are going to stay with him aren’t you?

you haven’t been in any other relationship have you op?

You posted an almost identical thread 6 weeks ago and was given almost identical advice to this one 🤷

When people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you who he is, even though it has taken years for the mask to slip.

He first began cheating on you i. 2017 according to your other thread

this relationship is rotten to its very core op
your husband is too

There nothing to decide as you will be in the same crisis in a few weeks, you will wonder if to leave him we will say yes, same again in a few weeks and again

What do you want a pat on the head and to be told he is a great catch?

As stating the obvious this is deliberately harsh no hand hold here

nailed it

After which I found out about the dating apps and youtube scam so I am rethinking everything.
Also why does it matter if I posted a thread before? Am I not allowed to ask for advice more than once?
Yes it is my first and only relationship.

ObviouslyI'm in turmoil and still unsure that's why I'm here again looking for any positive stories.

‘He really wants to change’ that’s why he did it repeatedly and kept it secret, yes? Open your eyes.

OP this has been going on since you were at uni!!!

you’re looking for positive stories of relationships where the man has relentlessly and repeatedly lied and cheated for many years?

You won’t find a single one
because there aren’t any

Do you have any friends you can speak with?

If you’re still friends with anyone from uni… they will know he’s a cheater