Should I leave my lying husband?

[ceruleansky]

My husband and I are college sweethearts and we got married in 2022 and had a baby this year, in July.

I found out a few things about him the past 4 months after getting into his Google account and WhatsApp chats.

1. He lied to me that he was at work and was out drinking

1. We are a non smoking household, but he has been smoking from 2014, maybe 4 a week and I did not know about it.

After we started living together I did smell the smoke on him occasionally, but not every day. He said it was the effect of his friends who smoked near him.

1. I found a secondary gmail account on his phone which had a Google drive file that was a chat back up with one of his "friends" from university (not the one we went to, this was from when he studied masters in another city). In the chat, it was revealed that he kissed this woman and told her he loved her. But he also said he would only be with her until he leaves the uni, which was a month after they met. He took me to lunch to meet this person and I did. That was 6 months before we were married. But he says after he left the uni he stayed friends with her but didn't chat that way.

1. I found subscriptions to dating apps on his phone, I confronted him and he said they were used by his friend. But I knew this was a lie because the profile was in his name.

1. I also found some messages where he got caught in one of those youtube scams where they video call you and a half naked woman shows up on camera, asking you to do things while they screen record you and then send you the recording and extort money from you. He showed his privates and asked the woman via chat how it was. He ended up getting scammed anyway.

1. He also chatted with other women or possibly guys doing these scams on dating apps.

1. He has DMed a few women on instagram (models, etc) "gorgeous" or "sexy". He also DMed people from uni.

We have a 4 month old, this is a 14 year relationship and almost 2 year marriage.

From what I see from his Google history/activity he has not done anything after we got married.

He didn't admit to anything until I showed him proof and he says he really wants to change and would never do any of it again.

The house will still be a marital asset if you spilt up.

Also I'm confused as to why you'd have to tell your child any of this ?
You just tell them you don't get on anymore or similar ??

Fair enough I can see your reasoning. After I wrote that message it dawned on me that the lying is the connection between these events. Also the theme of him pretending to be someone he is not. I am sorry, I think you deserve so much better

I was previously married to someone like this. Little lies here and there. Pretending to be one thing for me but another with his friends. Once the mask slipped it was hard for me to see who he was. As I actually didn’t know the real him just a pretend one. He’s still pretending just with someone else now. I guess you need to work on rebuilding trust if you can. But you have had your eyes opened haven’t you.

YES

@notatinydancer
Iwouldn't tell, but basically everyone knows, and it could be revealed. Idk I'm just looking at it from all angles. This is not a large factor, just a thought.

@Ironironiron
I'm always logged Into his account on my phone. I logged in the night he was passed out drunk. But yes I'll have to ask for his phone and why he changed the security question.

@Mrssmith3
I'm sorry, that just sucks. It's easy for me to say good riddance to you but now that I'm in that spot, I can understand the pain it caused. It's like the person you knew died and a part of you does too.
I know I'll never be the same.

I've had 4 months to process these things and each time, I knew there was something else I would uncover. So it's gone from hurt to anger to indifference.
I don't think I'll divorce him just yet but I will separate and take time off. It's going to take a lot from his side if he's interested to fix things, if not, I'll move on maybe a year from now.

He is filth, kick him to the kerb. You can do so much better.

Wtf is wrong with men?

@ceruleansky

I don't think I'll divorce him just yet but I will separate and take time off. It's going to take a lot from his side if he's interested to fix things, if not, I'll move on maybe a year from now.

why are you putting the power of whether this relationship works or not into his hands as to if he puts in the effort to fix things?

You've found out all of this information and you’re still saying “well if he makes the effort I’ll take him back”

get some more self confidence and respect and end it because it’s your decision and you deserve more.

@DaisyChain505
I'm not giving him the power, it's in my hands whether to take him back or not.
I don't want to go through divorce right now with a baby, I just can't be bothered to handle all that stress. But many of the responses on the thread have made me think about separating for some time. I've already lost feelings and trust.
If I still feel the same a few months from now I'll begin divorce proceedings.

Hi Op I know this feeling . It's gut wrenching and very hard to fathom that your dh is capable of this when they are practically perfect in the relationship. I hope your ok it's truly a horrible revelation

I did not know about the cheating, but he gave me all his time and attention, which is why I never doubted him.

Surely you must see the contradiction OP.

He was cheating on you. So you weren’t getting “all his time and attention” as you detail in considerable detail in this and your other thread covering before before and after you got married

I wouldn't but his peers might.

his peers might judge him for having divorced parents due to infidelity? oh come on op

Even if he told them his dad was a cheater (how else would they find out?!) no peer would judge him op. This isn’t the 1950s

No, it was after. We met in 2011. We got into a relationship in November 2012. He kissed her in Feb 2017.
Installed the first dating app in 2016.
I saw chats from 2020, 2021 and 2022.

bloody hell

on a day to day basis since you found out… what’s it been like between he two of you?

good grief OP

and you’re seriously wondering if this is the end of his appalling bad behaviour

His family knows everything, I told them as soon as I found out.

their response?

I couldn't get past this, the multiple betrayals. You will end up a paranoid wreck if you stay and he's going to do it again, its just a case of when. Even if there's a teeny tiny chance he never does it again, you're going to be constantly checking his phone to try and catch him. It will drive you insane

"The only reason I'm even considering this is because he's been perfect to me. Not a single flaw. It's like I've uncovered a whole other person."

Well, yes, this is a thing with quite a few men. There's a veneer of respectability, under which lurks a lying, cheating bastard (quite often with sex at the core of it).

So he 'seems' to have been perfect to you - when, in fact, he isn't.

Oh and that 'it's not about you or us' line is another favourite to be trotted out to minimise what he's done.