Should I leave my lying husband?

[ceruleansky]

My husband and I are college sweethearts and we got married in 2022 and had a baby this year, in July.

I found out a few things about him the past 4 months after getting into his Google account and WhatsApp chats.

1. He lied to me that he was at work and was out drinking

1. We are a non smoking household, but he has been smoking from 2014, maybe 4 a week and I did not know about it.

After we started living together I did smell the smoke on him occasionally, but not every day. He said it was the effect of his friends who smoked near him.

1. I found a secondary gmail account on his phone which had a Google drive file that was a chat back up with one of his "friends" from university (not the one we went to, this was from when he studied masters in another city). In the chat, it was revealed that he kissed this woman and told her he loved her. But he also said he would only be with her until he leaves the uni, which was a month after they met. He took me to lunch to meet this person and I did. That was 6 months before we were married. But he says after he left the uni he stayed friends with her but didn't chat that way.

1. I found subscriptions to dating apps on his phone, I confronted him and he said they were used by his friend. But I knew this was a lie because the profile was in his name.

1. I also found some messages where he got caught in one of those youtube scams where they video call you and a half naked woman shows up on camera, asking you to do things while they screen record you and then send you the recording and extort money from you. He showed his privates and asked the woman via chat how it was. He ended up getting scammed anyway.

1. He also chatted with other women or possibly guys doing these scams on dating apps.

1. He has DMed a few women on instagram (models, etc) "gorgeous" or "sexy". He also DMed people from uni.

We have a 4 month old, this is a 14 year relationship and almost 2 year marriage.

From what I see from his Google history/activity he has not done anything after we got married.

He didn't admit to anything until I showed him proof and he says he really wants to change and would never do any of it again.

I said he kissed that girl when he was in uni in 2017, but I found out about it just 3 months ago.
I graduated with him in 2014. After which, he did his masters in another city. I wasn't there then. I found out about everything just in the past 4 months, after my delivery.

I've told him this, that he's rotten to his core for fooling me and taking advantage of my love and trust. I must be the biggest idiot for not checking his phone even once. That's how secure I felt in the relationship.

This has been going on your whole relationship absolutely no way he will change.

I know people choose to move on and stay together after cheating and some people can. But he has been doing this your whole relationship that's quite unusual absolutely no way he will change . It's not a one off mistake and he's come to his senses.

I understand that this is your first and only relationship so you don’t have any experience about what is acceptable and not but I’m sorry to say your husband is a lying scum bag.

it is so rare for first relationships to last the distance because they’re exactly that, your first.

you have so much growing and learning to do as a person and these relationships are where mistakes are made and you realise what’s right and wrong and what you should and should not put up with.

your Partner has just been able to hide who he is from you well.

there’s a whole life out there for you beyond this pig even if it doesn’t feel like it.

contact some charities, get some advice and kick him to the curb.

other wise you’ll only spend your whole life wondering what he’s up to, resenting him and being a shell of yourself.

And you contacted the husband of the woman and there was a big show down

bloody hell op

This is depressing

oh and having read about the messages and kisses on the other thread etc…. he sounds gross. Properly… shudder inducing gross

That's how I feel, yes.
I cannot trust him again. But I'm wondering if I should divorce him and let my kid grow up and have to tell him all of this. It really impacts them to lose a parent and live between 2 houses, doesn't it. He's not even a teen, he's just 4 months.
And I'm also thinking if he could ever change now that he knows he might lose me and our baby.

but now you do know

anyone on rl you can talk to?

I suspect you’re very keen to maintain the image you have the perfect t relationship but i suspect many in your life already have heir suspicions about him

certainly everyone at uni will

Actually I do actually believe him that his stupidity has nothing to do with you. You were both very young. I wouldn't judge him now about something that happened when he was 19.

BUT.

Has he been the supportive partner you were expecting in the last year? Honestly? Has he shared the baby care fairly? Has he given you time to rest etc? You said he went out and got hammered when your son was less than a month old - that's not being "perfect with you", at all.

Is he being the husband and parent you wanted right now?

@gummania
There was no show down. I felt he needed to know the truth and I sent him the chat. She was cheating on him as well..
Yes the texts were gross. He was 23 at the time. I started to forgive him and try to move past it, which is when I found out about the dating apps. I did ask him if there was anything else he wanted to tell me, he said there wasn't.

There are people I can talk to but I don't want to since, again, my baby. I don't want him to grow up and have people judge him.

I wonder if there's someone here with a kid who might have experienced something like this.

Would you “judge” a child for having a shitty cheating father?

Do you work op? on maternity leave?

Just for clarification:

• Did he admit to what had happened, or lie and try to cover his tracks?
• Has he accepted full responsibility for his poor choices, or is he shifting the blame/making excuses?

@LostittoBostik
Yes, he has been absolutely great, before, during and after my pregnancy. We underwent fertility treatments, due to my pcos. He was great during everything. Came to every appt, remembered stuff better than I did, like my pills abd would ask if I'd taken them while he was at work. Call to ask if I ate, etc etc. What I'm saying might be the bare minimum but he did go beyond that as well. Changed my pad after my c section. Took me to the bathroom, whatever.
He's great with our baby. From fixing his milk to changing him and whatever babies need.
He only drank that one time. Fortunately or unfortunately.

I'm not saying everything all this excuses his behavior. But I know my friends husbands have not been even half as attentive. But yeah they probably don't have cheating husbands.

The last time he did anything was june 2022, which was DM a girl on insta. No sex chat there. He told her she was gorgeous.

We got married in December 2022.

Are you looking for positive stories to validate staying with a liar?

Staying with a prolific liar will destroy you. A relationship without trust is pointless and potentially very damaging.

You're worth more than this, so is your child.

OP, he is scum to his core.
This will 100% be your life.
It is only a matter of time until he meets someone else.
Keep your job full time.
Keep money separate.
Save money.
Do not have more children under any circumstances.
Be careful of STI's.
Keep family and friends close and tell them the truth.

He is cheating scum, always has been and always will be.
Protect yourself and your child.

I wouldn't but his peers might.
I am on mat leave and I do work. I'm totally financially independent.

@CowTown
No, when I asked him if he drank that night he denied it. Until I showed him the chat. Then he admitted it. Same thing with the smoking. Basically I asked him if there was anything else, if he had chatted with other women in an inappropriate way. He said there was nothing else. Until I found the proof.
For the dating app, he said his friend used his phone number. But then he admitted after 2 weeks that he used it with his own photos.
But he said he never had any kind of sex chat and only wanted to explore the app and see if he gets matches. Obviously I didn't believe that, and sure enough I found proof.

Once I found out that he had been lying to me about smoking,I knew there was something else related to women. I don't know how, but i had a gut feeling. I don't think he has slept with anyone else though.

The thing is, you now know what an accomplished liar he is. You know that he's capable of lying to you whilst acting like the perfect husband, so you know you can't trust him ever again. If you hadn't found the evidence, he would never have told you. Ever. And he will only admit to things you have proof of, so I don't think you can trust that you know it all now.
If you stay, you will never be able to relax into this relationship again. It's horrible and I'm very sorry.

I get the whole thing about splitting up a family, but this is no relationship model for a child imo.

I was thinking the same....read the first couple and thought "yeah they're bad but not marriage ending...."

I'm hoping you don't have them in priority of what you think the issues are.

I wouldn't consider staying a minute longer

Take your time. No knee jerk reactions but ….
in your shoes I think I’d plan a get out.
Once a liar, always a liar, so what doesn’t hit the fan now, will come back another time when you’re older , maybe have more kids, more vulnerable and have more baggage with him.

If you stick around, don’t bog yourself down with more children. Build up a £££ fund so when you decide to jack it in, you’ve got some dosh behind you.
Good luck.

Well he sounds like a complete and utter liar and very underhanded too.
You have two choices - stay with him and forever be wondering, or leave him and have a clear future.
Your baby will be absolutely fine and won't be judged by anyone for having a lying cheating father!

OP, it's a decision only you can make. You could consider couples counselling perhaps? Get to the root of HIS issues? But as others have said, I'd plan a get out route now. You'll want to feel prepared. And just know that if you leave, you'll be OK. It might not feel like that at first, but you will be.

His family knows everything, I told them as soon as I found out.

I've never wanted more than 1 kid, even before this mess.

@WhatTheKey
Yes, it's very scary to think that it's the same person. Quite psychopathic to come home so calm, not an ounce of guilt. Had I done something like this my face couldn't hide it for the life of me.

When I asked him why he couldn't be open with me and lay everything out when I was trying to fix things, he said he was ashamed of the scam and what he did and wanted to save the relationship.

Idk why he didn't think of that while he was doing it.

@litepop
No I listed everything in the order in which I found them. I can get past the smoking. He quit, it's been 110 days. I wouldn't have left him for that. I would've helped him quit.
I also do not have any issues with him drinking. It's the lying that I can't stand.

If you’re after stories, I have one: my uncle cheated on my aunt when their youngest was maybe 1 or 2. Part of the deal of repairing their marriage was to move away, which they did. When the baby was about 22, he was caught cheating again. The marriage imploded at that point. When you’re married to liar (who’s lying about multiple topics), it’s only a matter of time before the marriage implodes, no matter how “perfect” he is otherwise. Or…you choose to accept that you’re married to a liar, keep your mouth shut, and choose to ignore what happens behind your back.

His family knows everything, I told them as soon as I found out.

no one you can talk to in his family?