Should I leave my lying husband?

[ceruleansky]

My husband and I are college sweethearts and we got married in 2022 and had a baby this year, in July.

I found out a few things about him the past 4 months after getting into his Google account and WhatsApp chats.

1. He lied to me that he was at work and was out drinking

1. We are a non smoking household, but he has been smoking from 2014, maybe 4 a week and I did not know about it.

After we started living together I did smell the smoke on him occasionally, but not every day. He said it was the effect of his friends who smoked near him.

1. I found a secondary gmail account on his phone which had a Google drive file that was a chat back up with one of his "friends" from university (not the one we went to, this was from when he studied masters in another city). In the chat, it was revealed that he kissed this woman and told her he loved her. But he also said he would only be with her until he leaves the uni, which was a month after they met. He took me to lunch to meet this person and I did. That was 6 months before we were married. But he says after he left the uni he stayed friends with her but didn't chat that way.

1. I found subscriptions to dating apps on his phone, I confronted him and he said they were used by his friend. But I knew this was a lie because the profile was in his name.

1. I also found some messages where he got caught in one of those youtube scams where they video call you and a half naked woman shows up on camera, asking you to do things while they screen record you and then send you the recording and extort money from you. He showed his privates and asked the woman via chat how it was. He ended up getting scammed anyway.

1. He also chatted with other women or possibly guys doing these scams on dating apps.

1. He has DMed a few women on instagram (models, etc) "gorgeous" or "sexy". He also DMed people from uni.

We have a 4 month old, this is a 14 year relationship and almost 2 year marriage.

From what I see from his Google history/activity he has not done anything after we got married.

He didn't admit to anything until I showed him proof and he says he really wants to change and would never do any of it again.

That's awful, I'm sorry to hear that.

I also discussed this with him, that when we're 50, what if you do this again? I already feel like I've lost the last 14 years so why lose more. He said he couldn't imagine losing us and his family already knows everything so he would rather die than repeat any of this.

I can get past the smoking

Youre still with him months after finding out?

@ceruleansky look…you don’t have to decide today.

You’re now aware that you’re married to a serial liar who will deny wrongdoings unless/until you provide him with concrete proof.

Ensure that you’re working toward financial independence, and build yourself a hefty “escape fund”.

Whether you choose to leave, or to stay and look the other way is up to you. You certainly wouldn’t be the first woman to do this.

Give yourself some breathing space for now, then decide which option you want for your life. Please just ensure that you’re playing the starring role in your own life, and not just a bit part in your husband’s life.

He said he couldn't imagine losing us and his family already knows everything so he would rather die than repeat any of this.

My uncle said the exact same thing to my aunt, yet here we are…

So he throws you scraps of attention and this made you have a child with him? On a scale of 0-100 where is your self respect?

Are you the husband?

OP does your H know your mumsnet name? He's absolutely a lost cause. His go-to behaviour is lying and cheating. He won't change and you will never be able to trust him.

I always find Mumsnet very unapologetic of people who make these sorts of mistakes, which are huge yes.

But, I don't think 'no one can ever change' is fair to say.
If he is willing to work out why he has done all this, work on trust with you, and you can build a new (although it'll always be different now) foundation, and that is what you both want. Then you should.

I would recommend some form of therapy for you both mind, to work out why this has happened in your relationship. Both together and separately.

Then if you can move on, you'll know you've tried everything for your family.

On the flip side, a child isn't a reason to stay necessarily. And if you wouldn't want to be with him without the child and that's the only thing keeping you, it's likely resentment will take over and you'll break up under animosity, rather than now, which could result in healthy co parenting.

Confused about the YouTube thing . Is it that he got an email saying he did that without any proof? If so they send those to anyone.

@CowTown
Okay, yes. You're right.

@Edingril
No, not really. He was pretty great to me, that's why, after 12 years of dating, I married him.
I did not know about the cheating, but he gave me all his time and attention, which is why I never doubted him.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

OP you've been together 14 years. Surely the 12 years before marriage you were committed, living together, planing future etc. I'm not sure why you take comfort in the fact he hasn't done anything after the wedding (as far as you know).

Your husband consciously put selfish gratification over integrity and stability of your relationship. He knows fully well that those things were deal breakers and that's why he compensates in other areas, showing that he's a loving, great partner. It is actually very common for people who do awful things to be lovely otherwise.

Are you able to stay away from him for at least few days so you can gather your thoughts and processes what happened?

All of these things maybe as a one off one time thing I could possibly forgive. (Not talking about the fags) However the timescale and amount of lies and deception this took place over mean Id be gone. Not like he made one mistake and regretted it… he regrets being caught.

You're not going to get positive stories. You're going to get people telling you the same as last time, he's a cheat and a liar and a generally scummy person.

I think you should try marriage counselling 💔

Mumsnet can be too unapologetic sometimes but serial cheating, lying, sneaking and chosing short term gratification over stability of what supposed to be life long relationship are not mistakes. They are conscious choices which are sings of deep personality flaw.
Yes people can change but it usually takes drastic consequences, huge amount of effort and time. You have no control over any of those aspects when it comes to hoping someone else will change.
I really do not envy OP's situation. Finding out after so many years of what seemed like a great, committed relationship is crushing.
Staying in first and only relationship is a very lovely idea but unfortunately for people like OP's husband it means they haven't learnt from experience of heartache that things usually get found out and that it's not worth it.

What makes you assume I am the husband?

OP said he’s been great and lovely hence why she doesn’t know what to do from here, people can change, not all but it’s possible, worth a shot no?

OP, do you think you can trust him again? Do you think he can give you everything you need, including reassurance? Or will you constantly be looking over your shoulder? You might not know the answer just yet, but hopefully it will come to you. Everyone has different things they are willing to put up with. Personally, I couldn't see past the fact he not only kissed someone else but told them he loved them. If my DP kissed someone else, he could kiss my arse goodbye.

My understanding is that was before they even met.

You say the last thing he did was 2022, but it's all lying. You will wreck your mental health staying with a person that attempts to alter your reality. Your baby won't be better off with a mum who stops being able to trust their own judgement. I tried and failed.

He's been great to her face. That's the problem. He's a habitual liar and prolific cheat.

The drinking thing is a bit odd and the smoking thing trivial- not quite sure of the motivation in lumping it all with the extremely serious and disturbing behaviour and blatant betrayal.

I'm sorry but this is awful behaviour.

I'd suggest you move on from this Walter Mitty character. Thats a lots of lies and mostly liars don't change their behaviour, although no doubt he will promise to.

No, it was after. We met in 2011. We got into a relationship in November 2012. He kissed her in Feb 2017.
Installed the first dating app in 2016.
I saw chats from 2020, 2021 and 2022.

@Abetterjobwouldbelovely
Smoking is an issue for me because I hate it, he knows that. I've lost 2 people to cancer. He pretended to dislike people who smoke.
Drinking is not an issue for me but he drank and tried to show up for the baby, swaying and unable to carry him.
That's why I checked his phone and unleashed Pandora's box.
I'm so glad he slipped up that night. He didn't even have to lie to me about drinking. He could've told me he wanted a night out with his friends. What an idiot.

He asked me if I've logged into his Google account, which I have, and I said no.
I can see that he's changed his security question cause I can see his activity.

He's trying to keep me out of it. Sigh.

You need to try to go into it his Google account again and then ask him why he's changed his password. If you want to stay with him then he needs to earn back your trust by being transparent with passwords etc.

No judgement as to what you should do. No one really knows what they'd do in any given situation until they are in it because each is unique to them even if it seems the same. Your world as you know it has been blown apart. Some men see the things you've described( the online port etc) as a separate entity to their relationship and for some reason don't see it as cheating. Not that I'm condoning it.

You need to consider whether you'll ever be able to trust him again. You're no doubt going to need quite a few more independent conversations about why he's done though things and you need evidence, like a sent email from him or a phone call from yourself to the girl at his Uni that he will be totally cutting contact with her.

I would talk to someone to trust in rl though as it's a lot to cope with on your own and you need that support.

I'm just going to see how this plays out but be guarded. I don't know if he can change, I think the question is whether or not I can accept that he might not and be able to live with it.
I'm not going to forgive him and I'm not going to just bank on love. He's going to have to do a lot more work to win me back.
I'm moving to another city when I get back to work. I think it's best I get some time alone.
If I find even a peek of anything, I'm out for real this time.

Also I was looking to buy a house and now it's going to be solely registered under my name.
So I guess that's that.