Anyone up? Please hold my hand tonight

[thewoodforthetees]

I feel like I am at my lowest ebb. I am on another continent with my child and my husband tonight has told me in yet another spat that he doesn't respect me, that I'm emotionally stuck at 13, that I broke him, telling me to 'get out' repeatedly and aggressively, saying he doesn't care for me or see us together in 5 years and we have nothing in common. He is taunting me that by trying to talk about our deep, long-held issues, I am trying to get him to break up with me because I am 'too scared'.

He talks to me like an angry dog at times like this. Shames me about parts of my character that he knows will hurt. I'm just sick of feeling like a ghost who floats around the house cleaning up his mess every single day, which is all I am good for, while he games in silence for hours on end. I went to Oxbridge, I used to have my creative work performed, I love music and movies and chat and travel and books, he has reduced me to this. A housekeeper. He talks over me when I'm finishing a sentence, on something unrelated, or he ignores what I say. I constantly do little nice things that don't get returned and he again taunts me that he doesn't do those things for me because I've lost his love because of past mistakes I have made. He says it is on me to fix our relationship and he doesnt care if I don't. He says if I leave he will just move on and have the relationship he wants with someone who hasn't broken him. Like we are nothing.

He isn't a bad guy. He's become this bitter and nasty over time with me and I know I caused a lot of it. But I just can't bear it. He's demanding I go to counselling more than once a week and won't accept my depression and anxiety has anything to do with him. He treats me like a bad smell.

There is a flight home at 8am and a flight at 8pm. I've left without telling him before when things got really bad and he constantly uses it against me. So I feel like I can't just pack up and leave. His mother who I do like is coming next weekend and I will let her down so much if I go now. Also, I am panicky and sad because I love my life here and so does my child and there is nothing for us home in the UK except financial hardship and starting from scratch all over again. I was a single mum when she was a todd and i've lost my career, friends and self confidence during this relationship. What are we going to do. I have failed her in so many ways.

Please help me gather the strength to just fucking go, or do something. i feel frozen in place. I'm so sad and so so tired.

Honestly, you’re only failing her if you stay in a relationship where you’re not respected or cherished. You’re being abused. That will become her normal and is likely what she will seek in her future relationships. You both deserve better than that.

Be strong and show her you don’t need a man. That you won’t tolerate poor, abusive behaviours, and neither should she.

What country are you in? On what visa? Can you work or not (visa dependent). I’m assuming she isn’t his child? You’re stronger than you believe xxx

He is demonising and dehumanising you every day.

These are traits of a very dangerous situation evolving.

Leave. You don't know your future if you do but you do know the misery you will have to enure if you stay.

Sorry this has happened to you.

Take the flight. You say there’s nothing in the UK , but there’s even less where you are. Put your child first and get out of this situation. It’s not healthy for her or you.

It may be difficult at first in the UK, but if you’re at rock bottom, the only way is up.

I'm here.
You are an intelligent person, despite not thinking you are, it's still there!
Get out of that hell hole ASAP! When I left my husband I decided, I'd rather live in a tent and be happy than spend the rest of my days miserable, thinking is this it?
Of course ots going to be hard, but it will be so worth it! Also do you really want your child being brought up around that arsehole? No! X

Just make sure you can take child legal.

You need to sort a life for yourself and your child. You can do it!

Hand hold OP. Sounds like you're going through a really tough time. Try to go easy on yourself.

Take a flight, even if just to put some space between you. Look at how he's treating you - with anger, contempt, hatred etc. He does not love you. You know if he did you would feel the total opposite of what you described.
Imagine someone treating your dd like this. Leave before he starts making her feel the same or she believes this is how a relationship should be.
You owe it to yourself and her to end it - he just doesn't think you will so continues to push you. Try to summon the strength you know you have

Thank you so much for the replies. It is so hard to see the wood for the trees - hence my nc. I just keep binge eating til my stomach hurts, every day. I've gained so much weight so quickly and my hair is falling out and my teeth are fucked from grinding every night. I'm desperate for someone to talk to me, to be interested in me, I feel like I am asking too much of my child to be a friend to me when she is just a child. I've racked up a bit of debt buying pointless shit. Along with my work, where I am barely scraping by, even my driving has suffered, i nearly went through a crossing with pedestrian yesterday by accident and I have never even had a minor driving error in all the years Ihave been driving. My head has been in a fog for so long it is normal but the amount H hates me is so obvious in recent times that it physically hurts now and I feel frozen in place. I can't be what he needs me to be. My gut is screaming at me that the counselling would be a band aid, that I'm not a shit mum or shit partner like he says, that I have to get out, but crazily I am afraid to hurt him again by leaving. I wish he would just tell me he is done and I could feel OK about going. I wish I knew it was going to be OK for my child. I carry around so much guilt it's destroying me. I've started hurting myself in minor ways. It's painful to even write all this. I have to leave, but it also feels impossible.

He is telling you to leave and that he will move on quickly so you shouldn't have any guilt about doing just that
He probably won't move on quickly as he'll be furious but if he does, surely that's a blessing for you - as I say zero guilt as technically you are doing what he asks. And you and dd will be able to have a happier existence. If you've been as single mum before, you can do it again

Sorry you’re going through this OP, your husband is abusive and he is a bad guy. Nobody should treat their wife or partner this way. Do you have family you can return to in the UK?

Wow OP this guy is really doing a number on you... he obviously knows how to break you - what do you think he will do if you stay?
And what about your DD- how old is she, does she see/know of how he treats you and how you're feeling? How is he to her?
Obviously for her sake you both need to get away from him - take the flight and I'm sure you will both feel much better.
Do you have a place to go in the UK?
Has he threatened you physically at all? Look at advice from women's refuge about how to leave safely and for both of your sakes do it asap while you still have any fight left in you. Don't mess about, plan it and do it and do not let him catch you xxx

She isnt' his child. I can work here as long as we are married but i can't afford to live here on my salary (or even twice my salary.) Its one of the most expensive cities in the world. We moved for his career. i changed industry and went part time to settle us in, lost an annual bonus, stopped paying into my pension for past 2 years, prioritised him and dc over my work and its likely I will have to retrain as my skillset is not remotely up to date. He says that if we divorce I wont get anything but half the cash in our joint account, though he has 6-figure pension and 'we' have more savings that he says are his because it was through his work bonuses. I have been so monumentally stupid. I spoke to a UK lawyer who said H could easily hide assets and obstruct the process from here. I'm terrified of a divorce, I have PTSD from my parent's violent marriage and hideous divorce which dragged on for years and left my mum and us in the shit financially. H knows all this and will punish me for leaving.

You are not shit! And why feel any guilt for hurting him - he obviously has none.

In a similar situation I left.

My anxiety and depression improved from not being in a shit relationship and now I'm in a much better place mentally, as well as physically.

Do you have family or friends who could help you? If not then women's aid are worth a try.

No physical threat but its the way he talks to me. I can only describe it as like an angry dog, low voice and almost spitting the words out. Also repeatedly telling me to 'get out' when I am trying to talk, even as I am crying and begging him not to speak to me like that. He doesnt care. I know because he tells me he doesnt care.

Oh poor you that's awful. But as others said, now while you're abroad is probably the best time to leave as he will have more incentive to stay where he is, hopefully meet someone else and leave you alone.
It's more important to be free than to get your share of your savings. Prioritise you and DDs mental health and physical safety and get out of there.

I have family in the UK but it's a fairly dead end rural area. I would struggle for work. My child will lose everything (except me, i guess.) I should never have given up my career which I built before i met H, when i was a single mum. Now I have fucked us both.

You have to come back - this is prioritising your future. Forget your old job etc you can work in Tesco while you're building yourself back up. Your family will be glad to help - just get back to safety and start rebuilding your life. You can do this.

Children are resilient. And you have family to help out.
No. It's not fucked.
It will be a tough time but you can build a new and better life for you and your child.

What would you say to your daughter if she was in your position?

Listen, the relationship is dead in the water. It’s a sunken fallacy. Walk away, grab your child and walk away.

Stop communicating with him and get your ducks in a row. Calmly. When you leave out of the door, know you’re closing it forever. You’ll regret it if you don’t take what’s yours. Pack everything and send it to England. Don’t engage with him, just say: don’t speak to me like that. You don’t need his permission to be, to leave, to be happy.
Shoulders back, chin up, put your war paint on and go for it.

Your situation sounds horrendous. Even if you don't leave now, you will have to, eventually, because he isn't going to change. This isn't going to get better. And, the longer you put it off, the longer your daughter will be absorbing and normalising, an abusive relationship. She will not flourish, there.

No-one here can tell you what to do. But, we can tell you what we would, or did, do.

Is there enough in the bank account to get home, and to cover the deposit/rent up front, on a place sufficient for you and your daughter?
Dare you just withdraw 'your half', and go?
If not, try Women's Aid. You and your daughter are in an abusive situation. DV refuges are not particularly pleasant, but you will be safe, and will give you some breathing space, while you work out your next move. And, you can make mutually supportive friendships with other women.

The UK benefits system exists, to support people in just such situations.
Even if you have to do unskilled work, initially, Universal Credit will 'top up' rubbish wages, and up to 80% of child care costs will be covered.

I started over, at 47, with nothing. Life isn't always easy, and money is always a worry. But, I have zero regrets.

Good luck, OP. You are stronger than you realise.

You, and your daughter, are worth so much more than this.
Don't focus too much on what you won't have if you leave.
You, happy, there and healthy are all your daughter needs.
Ducks in a row, time to put you first.

He says he will change and love me again if i go to counselling, if i wear my wedding ring more, and if I quit my job which was making me a bit unhappy. But i dont get how it works like that. You cant just switch your feeling on and off right? And why should me going to counselling make him feel differently? He just brings up stuff i said and did years ago and has painted me black. He says i am not committed, but then he will tell me he doesnt know if he loves me, and he will say he doesnt respect me. Wtf? I feel like the crazy one. If I argue back he just says i'm not listening and the conversation is over.

I tried cuddling up with him one morning recently- we have been in separate rooms of late- and he just was a statue and told me he feels nothing when I cuddle him. It hurt so much.

Who gives a fuck about him and his blasted mother. Just leave. Worry about the logistics when you get home.
He sounds as thick as. What adult man games all day.
This is going precisely nowhere.