Anyone up? Please hold my hand tonight

[thewoodforthetees]

I feel like I am at my lowest ebb. I am on another continent with my child and my husband tonight has told me in yet another spat that he doesn't respect me, that I'm emotionally stuck at 13, that I broke him, telling me to 'get out' repeatedly and aggressively, saying he doesn't care for me or see us together in 5 years and we have nothing in common. He is taunting me that by trying to talk about our deep, long-held issues, I am trying to get him to break up with me because I am 'too scared'.

He talks to me like an angry dog at times like this. Shames me about parts of my character that he knows will hurt. I'm just sick of feeling like a ghost who floats around the house cleaning up his mess every single day, which is all I am good for, while he games in silence for hours on end. I went to Oxbridge, I used to have my creative work performed, I love music and movies and chat and travel and books, he has reduced me to this. A housekeeper. He talks over me when I'm finishing a sentence, on something unrelated, or he ignores what I say. I constantly do little nice things that don't get returned and he again taunts me that he doesn't do those things for me because I've lost his love because of past mistakes I have made. He says it is on me to fix our relationship and he doesnt care if I don't. He says if I leave he will just move on and have the relationship he wants with someone who hasn't broken him. Like we are nothing.

He isn't a bad guy. He's become this bitter and nasty over time with me and I know I caused a lot of it. But I just can't bear it. He's demanding I go to counselling more than once a week and won't accept my depression and anxiety has anything to do with him. He treats me like a bad smell.

There is a flight home at 8am and a flight at 8pm. I've left without telling him before when things got really bad and he constantly uses it against me. So I feel like I can't just pack up and leave. His mother who I do like is coming next weekend and I will let her down so much if I go now. Also, I am panicky and sad because I love my life here and so does my child and there is nothing for us home in the UK except financial hardship and starting from scratch all over again. I was a single mum when she was a todd and i've lost my career, friends and self confidence during this relationship. What are we going to do. I have failed her in so many ways.

Please help me gather the strength to just fucking go, or do something. i feel frozen in place. I'm so sad and so so tired.

You husband is emotionally abusive. You need to phone your family in the UK, get on a plane with your DD, rent a car and get home to them. If there is a joint account, get the money you need, and go. File for divorce. Get out, get some therapy and recover at your family’s for the holidays. It is rural…you can take some long walks, breathe and think and plan what you want to do. You had a decent job and went to Oxbridge, you can get a decent job again.

My first marriage was to an emotionally abusive man. We didn’t have children, and I stuck it out for 10 years until I couldn’t do it anymore. It was way, way too long. He tried to strangle me once, and he wouldn’t hold down a job and sat at home watching me work and do everything. He isolated me from my family and friends. I ended up leaving the country and settling over here where I met a decent person…he has his quirks and it isn’t perfect, but so do I, and the marriage is happy. I’m happy. My first marriage is like a distant bad dream.

You got this. You really do.

If he is not the child’s father I would hit the road as soon as possible. Take 50% of the joint account and GO. He is grinding you down into dust. No one deserves that and your child should not witness that either. Run my friend, run away.

None of this is your fault. He's gaslighting and emotionally abusing you. Leaving him will be hard, true, but think of how much better it'll be for you and your child. You're still the same creative, intelligent woman you were before, you're worn down by this abusive waste of a man but you can live that life again. Give yourself the chance to flourish and find your own self again, and give your daughter that chance too. If you stay how long until he starts breaking her down too? No amount of stuff is worth that. You'll be eligible for benefits to help you out while you find your feet and while not the most exciting maybe a quiet rural background is what you need to take a breather for a moment while you figure out your next steps.

You have so many people here who believe in you and are rooting for you, I hope it helps you believe in yourself enough to leave and that you find all the peace, security and happiness you deserve ❤️

I just wanted to say how much you’ll enjoy UK rural life when you return. Think about the peace and quiet you’ll have. The birds and the wildlife, how lovely it is to spot a deer. Riding a bike along a bridle way in the open fields. The feeling of joy and freedom you’ll have.

At the moment it sounds like you live in psychological terror. There’s so much contentment to be had even in the everyday things like snuggling up on the sofa with your DD to watch TV or read a book. Refocus on all of these gains and ignore what seems now like a ‘loss’ (but isn’t really). Get on that plane as soon as you’re able 💐

The only thing in your relationship that makes you feel good about yourself is the fact that you 'care' about him and his feelings. That is the reason that you hang on to an abusive relationship - you do not want to let go of that last thing that makes you feel that you are a good and caring person who is so good and caring that no matter what, she will never stoop to hurting her partner.
It is the one thing he cannot take away from you and so the nastier he becomes the tighter you hold onto the self-illusion that you love and care for him and don't want to hurt him. It is a form of co-dependency.

This is so, so common in abusive relationships. It is the number one reason why abused partners stay. It is the one thing that outsiders can never understand and in fact the abused don't understand it either. Like you, they can list all the awful, awful shitty things that are going on in their relationship, but feel paralysed & unable to make any change.

It will really really help if you can see this for what it is, which is an abused partner syndrome. You have to be rather brutally honest with yourself. But once you see it, it will loosen its hold on you and you can step away from this nightmare.

he likes to tell me that I have ruined his life and broken him and taken away most of him.
The opposite is true: he has ruined your life and broken you and taken away most of you.
It is very common for abusers to say the exact opposite of reality.

he says he has some feeling for me
This is not true. Your biggest issue is that you still believe the words coming out of his mouth. Whether or not he 'believes' what he is saying, it is not true.
The only 'feeling' he has for you is possessiveness, like a dog with a toy. He does not love you.

and that is why he wishes me to fix the relationship.
He wants you to try and fix the relationship because that is a game to him. He loves to see you running round like a headless chicken trying so, so, so hard to fix things while he laughs at you.
It is another way to control your behaviour. He loves to 'pull your strings' like a puppet and make you do stuff.

He always says in the past tense 'i really loved you' which destroys me.
He knows exactly what to say to hurt you the most.
It is not true, not reality. He may have wanted to "be in love", but he is not capable of love, and that is not your fault.
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

i NEVER do this to him, assassinating his character and telling him I dont love him or asking him to leave, it would hurt him so much I know, so i don't.
Because you are a nice person, not a sadist.

Why?
Because he is a sadist who wants someone to control and hate.

Stop listening to his words. Nothing he says is real or true.

We know that women have to be very careful when choosing a partner that will be a step father to their child - abuse is more likely in a home where there is a step parent. You know that your partner is abusive and it is a matter of time before he turns his bullying and emotional abuse onto your daughter. Safeguard her and leave.

The only thing in your relationship that makes you feel good about yourself is the fact that you 'care' about him and his feelings

This is so spot on.

OP - look at the rest of you and your life, apart from this man.
You have a child, that you care for and look after.
You said yourself:
I went to Oxbridge, I used to have my creative work performed, I love music and movies and chat and travel and books

You are very intelligent (proof - you got into Oxbridge), you are talented and creative (proof - your work was performed)
You have interests, you are an interesting person. People like to chat to you.

You don't need to save this "relationship" to feel good about yourself.

I have PTSD from my parent's violent marriage and hideous divorce which dragged on for years
You cannot make amends and 'fix' the damage from your parents divorce - this relationship is not the way to make up for your parents' actions.

Once you have got away from your abuser, all this will take time and a good counsellor to unpick.

But first things first - you have to see the reality of this so-called "relationship" for what it is.

He's awful. The good news is it sounds like he's not your daughters dad so no problem with coming back to UK. I'd get on that plane and sort out a job from your rels house, I'd not worry about them being rural and so on as they could be a base while you sort out a job then move from there. You can claim UC in the meantime. you have a fantastic degree behind you, lots of strings to your bow and wont be down for long. Good luck. Oh and block him when you get back home! all contact through a solicitor for divorce, no need to hear his poison again.

@thewoodforthetees

You mention having spoken to a solicitor - I think that you should speak to a different one.

Could you get in touch with Freemans for further guidance?

https://freemanssolicitors.net/contact-us/

https://freemanssolicitors.net/for-you/family-children-and-divorce/

From one victim of domestic abuse to another I can promise you you will feel guilt for keeping your child in this situation. The LONGER you keep her in it the more guilt you’ll feel. And that sticks forever. Do the RIGHT thing and get her away from an abusive man so she doesn’t end up in the same pattern when she’s an adult.

i don’t want to sound harsh - it is NOT your fault. But now it’s time to leave. Not cuddle up to him. You’re not a child, she is. So do the adult thing for her and find your courage and leave.

Oh my love. What a horrible situation sweetheart. I’m so sorry this has happened, it would throw anyone into so much turmoil - this is a normal reaction, and it’s ok.

You’re ok. Can you pause for a minute? Take a deep breath. Notice all the swirling thoughts in your head, the chaos in there. And then can you notice your feet on the floor? The ground, steady and still beneath you? Can you stay there for a minute, and let all that fear settle down around you, just a little bit? Breathe. You’re ok, right now, in this moment.

Can you picture your daughter’s beautiful face, while you feel your feet grounded on the floor? Feel how deeply you love her. And can you feel your spine straighten a bit? Your shoulders drop? Channel your protective mamma bear. It’s in there, beneath all the chaos.

This isn’t a good situation, for you or your daughter. Sometimes we have to remember - short term pain for long term gain. Change is SCARY, and sometimes we want to stay put in a situation, even if it’s awful, because change is unknown and therefore scary and doesn’t feel safe. That makes so much sense, and it’s a human reaction. But can you picture yourself and your daughter in 10 years time? Away from this abuse, free, happy, steady, safe, doing what you love? Your daughter thriving, with an incredibly strong and loving mum by her side, a wonderful role model of what is ok and what isn’t? With self esteem, self respect, and self love?

Can you picture the alternative - you still in this situation, 10 years down the line. Your daughter having absorbed all this.

You know deep down what you want to do. Nobody else can tell you what to do. Stay, leave, leave today, leave in a month - it’s up to you. But make that choice from a place of steadiness, love and groundedness, not fear. Make it from a place of love for your daughter - you are her role model. She is more important than anything right now. Find your strength and conviction from this place. Mamma bear.

It doesn’t matter what’s happened before, in the past. What matters is the now, and the future. You are your own person - nobody can take that from you, at your core.

You are strong. You’ve got this. Read all these comments here - so much love and support for you. You’re not alone.

I'm sorry I don't have time to RTFT but I've read all your posts. I have been where you are emotionally and honestly, leaving is HARD.

But

Not leaving will destroy the little you have left of yourself.

Struggling financially is horrendous.

Nothing is as horrendous as living with abuse though.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. You're exhausted by it and need to find energy. But ultimately, not living with him will be better for you than this.

@thewoodforthetees how are you doing xx

Op

where are you getting on a plane to? Where will you go?

are you certain your career is not something you can return to

you are a smart and clever person who has been beaten down mentally by this man

things are unlikely to change I’m afraid to say

when you are on a train and you realise it’s the wrong one there is no harm in getting off and waiting for the next one is there?

please get off that train - you got on the wrong one

A friend of mine was in a similar situation years ago. Married and living in another country , absolutely miserable with two young children. She booked flights to go home with them but her nerve failed her and she stayed. A long miserable marriage ensued and she lost any chance to start again. Don’t make the same mistake.

@thewoodforthetees how are you doing?