Anyone up? Please hold my hand tonight

[thewoodforthetees]

I feel like I am at my lowest ebb. I am on another continent with my child and my husband tonight has told me in yet another spat that he doesn't respect me, that I'm emotionally stuck at 13, that I broke him, telling me to 'get out' repeatedly and aggressively, saying he doesn't care for me or see us together in 5 years and we have nothing in common. He is taunting me that by trying to talk about our deep, long-held issues, I am trying to get him to break up with me because I am 'too scared'.

He talks to me like an angry dog at times like this. Shames me about parts of my character that he knows will hurt. I'm just sick of feeling like a ghost who floats around the house cleaning up his mess every single day, which is all I am good for, while he games in silence for hours on end. I went to Oxbridge, I used to have my creative work performed, I love music and movies and chat and travel and books, he has reduced me to this. A housekeeper. He talks over me when I'm finishing a sentence, on something unrelated, or he ignores what I say. I constantly do little nice things that don't get returned and he again taunts me that he doesn't do those things for me because I've lost his love because of past mistakes I have made. He says it is on me to fix our relationship and he doesnt care if I don't. He says if I leave he will just move on and have the relationship he wants with someone who hasn't broken him. Like we are nothing.

He isn't a bad guy. He's become this bitter and nasty over time with me and I know I caused a lot of it. But I just can't bear it. He's demanding I go to counselling more than once a week and won't accept my depression and anxiety has anything to do with him. He treats me like a bad smell.

There is a flight home at 8am and a flight at 8pm. I've left without telling him before when things got really bad and he constantly uses it against me. So I feel like I can't just pack up and leave. His mother who I do like is coming next weekend and I will let her down so much if I go now. Also, I am panicky and sad because I love my life here and so does my child and there is nothing for us home in the UK except financial hardship and starting from scratch all over again. I was a single mum when she was a todd and i've lost my career, friends and self confidence during this relationship. What are we going to do. I have failed her in so many ways.

Please help me gather the strength to just fucking go, or do something. i feel frozen in place. I'm so sad and so so tired.

You are overthinking so much Im surprised your brain hasnt exploded.
Its very simple. Leave and start again.

He has told you repeatedly to get out and you are afraid of hurting him? You need to listen to what he is saying! This relationship isn’t working and you need some distance and family support. Transfer half the cash and get on that flight now!

What a miserable example of a relationship you’re both modelling to your child. You know what you need to do, get yourselves home with family, and don’t look back. Take some of the joint savings if you can legally, if not, just forget about it.

Why on earth do you care about his feelings? He clearly doesn’t give a shit about you or your child.

Put your child’s happiness first, get him/her out of this abusive situation and everything else will fall into place. You know you can manage as a single parent as you’ve done it before.

Don’t tell your partner you’re leaving he may become more abusive. Take what you can legally.

Run.

"I will love you if... a).... then b)...."
No way. He's manipulating you - he won't love you, he's trying to control your behaviour and crush you. What will he do with your DD once he has full control of you?
Please get out!!

Please leave as soon as you are able. No amount of money, which it appears you can only use whilst you live together, is worth your happiness and your child’s stability and happiness. The best thing you can do a this stage is to leave, move on with your life and rebuild.

Your family love you and want you both to be safe and happy. Thank goodness your dd isn’t his as you’d be trapped out there. Please go home.

Lots of good advice about leaving and taking assets, getting a job, UC etc.

It is a strange thing but once you have left for the UK it will be as if you have a huge weight taken off your back. Putting distance between you and your husband is as good as having months of time passing.

You will be able to plan, apply for work and enjoy your child without having to wonder how he will react. The start of a new fulfilling life. A UK solicitor will handle any negotiations with your husband if you married in the UK. (Different countries have different rules re marriage and divorce.)

You'll be fine. Good luck.

That’s emotional abuse. It will continue to damage you and your child. This will continue and you will remain depressed and anxious and your child will grow up to think that this is a normal relationship. He will not change. He may leave you but it’s unlikely. He may well start doing the same with your daughter. Witnessing this will be harming her psychologically. You could stay and that is the life you and your daughter will have.

Or you could take the petrifying leap of leaving, not knowing what that will look like.

I get how hard it is to leave. I’m in a similar position but without the added complication of being in a different country.

You are clever and you had a good job. It will be tough starting again. But a different tough. A tough that you have agency over. A tough that you can change. You will be in control of your own life.

Think about your daughter. What kind of relationship do you want her to have?

So leaving right now is one option. Leaving for a ‘trip’ away is another so you can get stuff sorted.

Staying for a while longer while you get your ducks in a row is another. Get some legal advice.

Whatever you decide, as a mother, you have an absolute duty of care to your daughter to look after yourself as well as you can.

Start getting back into the things you used to enjoy. Add in nutritionally high foods to your diet - fruit, veg, oily fish, wholgrains. Drink water regularly. Try and get out in nature for 20 mins at least a day. If you love music find some, dance. Do AS MUCH as you possibly can to look after your mind and body so that you can manage all of this the best you can for your daughter.

We are here. You matter too. Your needs matter too. Your daughter needs you. Find the part within you that has some right left and quietly use it to get this sorted.

Who are you in your own right? His words do not define you. YOU define you. You are a beautifully flawed human like the rest of us. You may have made mistakes. He may be gaslighting you into thinking you have made mistakes. Regardless, it does not give him the right to abuse you.

Leave him he's an arse - let me tell you my story. My H was very similar to yours and I didn't leave, but in the end he left me. I was alone in a country where I couldn't speak the language, with two small children. All our money came from the UK and when he left he took my name off the bank account and left me literally penniless. To top it off, he declared himself bankrupt and put forward my home with the DCs to pay off his debt because I'd bought it in joint names, with my money and it was mortgage free. I had a fight on my hands. My DCs didn't want to return to the UK so I was stuck in a foreign country with a language barrier and no friends around me because he'd managed to isolate me too. It was a desperate time.

I found a job (which I hated) but I learned the language and most importantly I met other people, I have some amazing friends here now because of that job. I managed to find better jobs and I worked really hard. Today, 12 years later I'm the manager of a language school and teach in a university, My career in the UK was a lawyer so my path has taken a different route.

What I'm trying to say is, if my H hadn't left me, I would have still been living in misery with a man who made me feel like shit every single day and I really love my life. My DCs have grown up and are at uni now and they're great people. So initially it's hard but then little by little, day by day, life gets better and easier. I'm grateful to my ex now, he tried to destroy me, but in doing so gave me this fantastic life. You and your DC could have a fantastic life too, don't be frightened to take the first step.

Op I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

I feel I have just read I situation word for word that I was in up until Sept 2023. It became so abusive he was kicking myself and our 16 month old out with nowhere to go and threatening to hurt me I panicked called the police and he was arrested.
He was put on bail and couldn't see our son without someone else present due to what the police had found in his house.

Fast forward a year on, I have found myself again, I bought a flat (UK) live with my son and I couldn't be happier.
Ex and I are very amicable, do things for our son together.

But I can see how I would never let a man control, dictate my happiness or my life.

It is consuming you, he is breaking you, please don't let your dd see this.
You say you have witness difficult traumatic time from your own parents. Be the one to break this cycle.

If you can get the flight, leave, do it for your daughter. You can do it. Contact women's refuge
Holding your hand.
Please don't stay in this. Get out now.
Even better that he isn't her dad.
You will find the strength to do what is right once you get out of the situation

It's gonna to be hard, but because change is hard. In the end it won't be harder than staying.

You have to get out for your child sake. Even if you can't value yourself at the moment, surely you wouldn't want her to end up in the kind of relationship you have?
Thank goodness she isn't his child so you aren't trapped.

One day you'll proud of yourself, for getting out and surviving this and building your life again.

Get out and give your daughter a happy, healthy mum who isn't being abused anymore. Starting from scratch isn't as soul destroying as living with a man who rips apart your self-worth. Leave.

It helps to read similar situations that have had good outcomes. At the moment i have been stuck in guilt, as he likes to tell me that I have ruined his life and broken him and taken away most of him. He wont accept that he played any role in our past problems. Yet he says he has some feeling for me and that is why he wishes me to fix the relationship. He always says in the past tense 'i really loved you' which destroys me. i NEVER do this to him, assassinating his character and telling him I dont love him or asking him to leave, it would hurt him so much I know, so i don't. Why? Its like we are stuck together through some trauma bond from the years of makeups and breakups. The only way is out. and he will not be the one to do it.

I'm grieving so badly tonight. I know it is probably my last night in the home i made a home for us, in the city I love, no more of me and dc's routines, no Christmas plans. And even the thought of getting through the airport, on the plane, through the long haul flight with her.... I've got a stinking cold and havent slept in a few days and I don't know how to do it. Rent a car at the other end and drive for 3 hours to sleep on family's sofa. It's heartbreaking. Meanwhile he just sits here in our home I clean and tend, with all the bits and bobs I collected to make it nice for him, big garden, big salary and big job, feeling sorry for himself. I'm not sure how to make it through. But this thread is helping a lot in these wee hours.

It’s exactly a year now since I left a very similar situation with my children.

it has been the best year, I feel like myself again. My kids are better, my eldest said it was the best decision we ever made.

my children had to move school and we moved in with my parents. I got a job and now have a house. We are all thriving.

leaving will be the best thing you do for your daughter. These men will never change, they are horrible abusive pathetic idiots who do not deserve us.

i know it feels like it is impossible to leave but trust me, it’ll be the best thing you ever do.

Your DC isn’t his so presumably you have the legal right to return to the UK with your DC. If so, do that asap. It will be hard but you will have much better chances as your right to live and work there won’t depend on an abusive man’s goodwill.

Don’t compound your past mistakes with this relationship and situation by staying.

It is also very unfair on your DC.

Couple’s counselling isn’t recommended when there is abuse.

Your own childhood set you up good and proper re this man who basically further targeted you to abuse. Your boundaries here, skewed as they are already by that, are being further eroded by him now.

Joint counselling with an abuser is never recommended and you are not safe enough to do this in any event. His actions are all on him, you did not drive him to abuse you and in turn your daughter. It is for her also that you should leave and return to the U.K.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm, you certainly cannot stay with your abuser now merely because his mother is going to visit you.

Get on a plane.

OP you sound broken and depressed as you would.

My ex husband is a very kind person, he still pays my dogs vet bills. He’s very soft. He also strangled me twice and pushed me infront of my son. It is possible to be a nice person and also treat your partner very poorly for reasons complex and deep and unknown to you. It is not your job to suffer him and devote your life and sanity to someone out of obligation. He doesn’t get to drain you and your life because he’s ordinarily a ‘good person’. You’re being worn down and so is your self esteem. Your daughter will be impacted about this. Think about what is best for her, not what he deserves because he’s a ‘good person’ at other times. The only thing you should be basing your decision on is how he treats you.

You won’t make a good decision with him. Why don’t you go to the UK for a holiday. Make up an excuse if you have to. Take your daughter.

I guarantee after 1 week of being away from him you will have clarity.

While your away do a food shop of meals that are health and nutritious and low preparation.
Buy
some face masks, hair masks, a really beautiful book about romance or something that you’re passionate about, organise a catchup with a friend even if it’s over the phone.

I guarantee in a week you’ll want to stay in the UK. It seems the most secure and sensible choice for you and your daughter.

1. Its not about his mum, it's about you.
2. You need space to get your head straight

Please try to find that space, right now you're in a dangerous place mentally and you need a reset. Perhaps your 'dead end rural' family location could give you that, just for now?
Until you get that, you can't start to rebuild.

You haven't broken him. It's not your fault he is the way he is. He is cruel, lacks empathy and the ability to love. None of these things are your fault.
If he's so miserable and holds all the cards why doesn't he leave? I'll tell you why, because he's not that miserable. He wants your free labour in the house so he doesn't have to.
These are all just words he says to control you. He wants you to leave your job to further isolate you.

You will have new routines in the UK, free from him.
One step at a time, you can do this.

@thewoodforthetees your posts are heartbreaking. I hope you find the strength to leave and soon, the angry dog voice you describe is a huge danger flag.

If it were me I would get out as soon as practical, maybe not first thing in the morning but probably the 8pm flight on Friday, get your plan together tomorrow buy tickets, pack your cases on Friday morning while he is at work, transfer a load of funds to your UK account, pick up your kid from school and go straight to the airport. Don't look back.

Wishing you good luck and strength whatever you do

Listen to me. Your daughter will not lose everything if you move her with you. She gains her mum back. You are barely existing. You have reached out on here and seeking support. That's amazing. Please leave. You can do this. You are clever and strong. Believe this.

His behaviour is designed to keep you in your place and under his control. My husband spent over 40 years living his first life like this. He has a wonderful life now and luckily is really good at focusing on that but he sometimes will say what a waste of a whole life he had. But you can't think like that as otherwise that person is also stealing his now. He would absolutely tell you to run run run if he was reading this now. 40 years of being treated like the dog under the table. It really.doesnt do you any good.

Try not to think of it as what you are losing. You aren't really losing anything, you're getting your self esteem back (I know slowly but even so) your mind and your whole life by leaving him. He doesn't believe you will do it.

There will be help you can seek in the UK. Please put you and your daughter first. I understand how scary it is but what is the alternative?

Sending you a massive hug and a handhold. You can do this. You are brave and wonderful.

It’s just stuff love, honestly you can walk away from it. This life is crushing you. You sound so intelligent and caring and considerate. You’re right to think about your child, her happiness is important and so is yours. Get on that plane, one day at a time while you readjust to being a lone parent, and focus on rebuilding your life in 2025.

You have NO reason to stay but every reason to leave. That child is not his. If you stay his abuse may start on your child. Dehumanising her.

You can break this, you have personal agency, you cab feel safe again but you need to take those steps.

Be your own best friend. Seeetheart you can replace the ‘stuff’ you can rebuild a better life. But firstly you need to be safe and that is far away from this bully.

Please OP you only have one life, and your daughter only has one childhood, you need to leave this abusive man and start a new chapter. It won't be easy but it will be infinitely better.

Your anxiety and depression is making you catastrophise. Don't over think it just get out. Your child sounds young, but isn't his, so you can't have been together for so many years. Give it time and you will look back on this chapter with incredulity that you ever allowed yourself to be treated like his dog to be kicked.

You sound amazing; intelligent, creative, caring. Tell us more about you - the person you are when your light's not being smothered by this man's cruelty, the woman you were before the abuse.