Anyone up? Please hold my hand tonight

[thewoodforthetees]

I feel like I am at my lowest ebb. I am on another continent with my child and my husband tonight has told me in yet another spat that he doesn't respect me, that I'm emotionally stuck at 13, that I broke him, telling me to 'get out' repeatedly and aggressively, saying he doesn't care for me or see us together in 5 years and we have nothing in common. He is taunting me that by trying to talk about our deep, long-held issues, I am trying to get him to break up with me because I am 'too scared'.

He talks to me like an angry dog at times like this. Shames me about parts of my character that he knows will hurt. I'm just sick of feeling like a ghost who floats around the house cleaning up his mess every single day, which is all I am good for, while he games in silence for hours on end. I went to Oxbridge, I used to have my creative work performed, I love music and movies and chat and travel and books, he has reduced me to this. A housekeeper. He talks over me when I'm finishing a sentence, on something unrelated, or he ignores what I say. I constantly do little nice things that don't get returned and he again taunts me that he doesn't do those things for me because I've lost his love because of past mistakes I have made. He says it is on me to fix our relationship and he doesnt care if I don't. He says if I leave he will just move on and have the relationship he wants with someone who hasn't broken him. Like we are nothing.

He isn't a bad guy. He's become this bitter and nasty over time with me and I know I caused a lot of it. But I just can't bear it. He's demanding I go to counselling more than once a week and won't accept my depression and anxiety has anything to do with him. He treats me like a bad smell.

There is a flight home at 8am and a flight at 8pm. I've left without telling him before when things got really bad and he constantly uses it against me. So I feel like I can't just pack up and leave. His mother who I do like is coming next weekend and I will let her down so much if I go now. Also, I am panicky and sad because I love my life here and so does my child and there is nothing for us home in the UK except financial hardship and starting from scratch all over again. I was a single mum when she was a todd and i've lost my career, friends and self confidence during this relationship. What are we going to do. I have failed her in so many ways.

Please help me gather the strength to just fucking go, or do something. i feel frozen in place. I'm so sad and so so tired.

OP, it appears that you have no rights to live and work independently from your husband in the country you are in. Is that correct?

If so, you need to get yourself back to the country where you are from, and where you have family and where you can start again.

Don’t think about anything beyond getting back to where you have legal rights, for now.
You owe it to your daughter to get away from the person who is slowly breaking you, diminishing your character and speaking to you constantly like an angry dog. You know he won’t ever change his tune. You are his whipping boy. If you stay, no matter how much you try to speak up for yourself, your actual presence triggers him to abuse you. Your marriage is over and there is no coming back no matter how much he taunts you or tries to shape you to do the impossible. He doesn’t love you and never will. He is incapable.

Acting quickly to get yourself home, is the right thing to do. He isn’t ‘home’ to you in any sense of the word and never will be. He is a dangerous abuser, deliberately wanting to break your spirit.

Once you are back where you belong, you will be able to see it more clearly and think straight as you won’t be fearful and anxious any more, as you are now. You will be able to regain your sense of self once you have recovered from his vile treatment.

You have done the right thing asking for help here.
While you still can, gather your strength to get your self and your precious little girl on that plane tonight.

@SpaciousHodgePodge gives great advice in this thread. I’m going to try:

• you are massively overthinking. You have tried, but this relationship is bad news. This isn’t about his mother.
• it is within your control to fix this. You can do it.
• don’t run away on that plane today. You did that once and went back. That isn’t taking control it’s running away.
• make a plan, start getting your ducks in a row: legal counsel, squirrel paperwork and enough funds to rent a stepping stone flat back in the UK in a town you like, within easy distance of your folks. If legal counsel believes taking your daughter back to the UK is problematic custody wise, find a flat share or house share in the city in the country where you are. Remember when you first went to uni? And it was 3 years of moving somewhere new, daunting and terrifying but you are there to get the degree, a stepping stone to a better future? This is like that. A stepping stone.
• Start your list of unreasonable behaviour as ground for the split, discretely write down what he says and dates/times. Imagine you are observing someone else’s relationship and taking notes.
• if you feel strong enough have the “decision to leave amicably” conversation (I’m not suggesting this will work but it is worth trying). This is a calm, measured version of you that is serious, play that even if you don’t feel it. This version of you won’t be a victim, can’t be manipulated, and is laser focussed on her and her daughters future.
• you are brave, clever and resourceful and your daughter will see this and know this for the rest of her life (believe me I know this from lived experience).

You’ve got this OP. One small step each day towards your futures.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. The other posters before me already said all that is needed to be said and done in this situation - please leave.

The only thing I will add is this - his "hurt" on you leaving will only be because he will have no one to torture and because he will lose his plaything. He is a sadist, a cruel person, a nasty, shitty human being. He doesn't love you, but you still love him and he is punishing you for this. He has no respect for you and his anger can soon turn physical. Please see him for what he is, he is that dog voice. Evil, cold and smirking.

Pack your stuff. Take as much as you can take, maybe organise some of your stuff to be posted back. Or stick it into storage. Get all the money out of your joint account and leave. You will be fine. It will get better!

God luck x

This is excellent advice.
good luck OP.
don’t stay with someone who doesn’t love or respect you .

Your relationship is very toxic and no matter how many hoops you jump through (counselling) it will stay that way or get worse! Please stop feeling guilty about how hurt other people will be if you leave as your husband has eroded your spirit and heaped the blame squarely on you for the emotional abuse he is dishing out to you. It’s not personal it’s HIM and how he eventually treats those he is in a relationship with.

You need to leave with your child and start afresh and regain your spark he has systematically tried to destroy. Your child needs you to escape the hellhole of a marriage and build a future where you both can thrive away from mental abuse. I know you feel anxious and uncertain right now but once you get on that plane and go back to the U.K to your relatives you can start building a life that enables you and your child to flourish.

He isn't a bad guy?

He is nasty bastard. Why are you with such an abusive person? Leave him and take your child out of this awful situation

get out if this abusive relationship and never look back. Make a proper plan. Leave sooner rather than later. Nothing is worse than this situation. You can cope on your own back in the UK. You can start a new life. Do it for your DD. Get the both of you out.

You’re being brainwashed and abused by him.

He was put on bail and couldn't see our son without someone else present due to what the police had found in his house.

This doesn’t sound good at all. I don’t know what it was they found but I hope it’s truly safe to have him around your child now. I had a friend who felt compelled to let her formerly violent ex be around her child, she then discovered something about him when their daughter was in her early teens which meant he wasn’t safe to be around teen girls. It was awful but the writing was on the wall. Some men (and women) are so vile they are not fit to be around their own children.

OP, how is he with your child ? And is he saying some of this stuff in front of your kid?

Think about it he obviously doesn’t value your child if he’s willing to constantly risk losing you like that. He will either use you as an emotional punchbag forever or one day actually throw you out.

He IS a bad guy. A very bad guy. Whatever your life will be when you leave, it will be better. You can be yourself, and your child won't have to watch you being constantly abused. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you and no matter what you do, he will NEVER change.

Oh @thewoodforthetees breathe and put one foot in front of the other.

At the moment you are trying to run in treacle. Get out of the treacle and you'll start to move.

You can't stay. This cannot be life for the next 30 years.

Decide on step number one and do that whether it is going to the airport or phoning a domestic violence charity (he doesn't need to be physically violent to be abusive). You don't need to think through every step right now.

Please don't neglect your physical health. Have you had your iron and b12 levels checked? Or are you in peri menopause? Some of this may be contributing to the fog.

You absolutely have to leave him. It doesn't necessarily need to be today but today needs to be day one of the plan x

I left. You can leave too. Please OP. I was binge eating too. I don’t do that anymore.

Please read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.

Please contact a domestic abuse charity. You are being abused.

The ‘fog’ is a result of the abuse. It won’t clear until she’s left him.

Book a flight, get out and never go back. Block him.
I was told by a DV charity to block my ex and it’s only by going no contact that the fog starts to lift and you see things clearly for the first time.

OP, I have no practical advice but I am sending my best wishes in your direction. You must feel wretched, I hope you find the strength to make a move.

Fantastic advice. Make a plan, stay safe, be weary and, as said, stay laser focused on yourself and your daughter. He's destroying you and it's time to take back that power.

You talk abour your lovely life before he broke you. You had that life once, you can have that again. Leaving will be the hardest part. It won't get worse.

Sending you massive strength and peace ❤️

From now on, make every response to him “okay”. So when he rants and raves just calmly say “okay”, no matter how much he tries to provoke you. You won’t need to do this for long obviously as you will be leaving but try to shut off all your feelings and sense of unfairness because he will never ever get it anyway so there is no point trying. Try to stay out of his way a bit. If you have a spare room say you’re sleeping there because of your cold.
If you’re feeling really ill, I’d try to stay for a bit and recover and get stuff sorted out. Maybe contact family and see if they can assist you with finding somewhere in the UK when you return. That will make things a lot easier for you. I know you’re really upset at the moment and the thought of getting out of there right now is tempting but I’d play a slightly longer game and in the meantime refuse to rise to any of his shit. If he thinks he will have such a great relationship with someone else, let him.

what did you do that he keeps bringing up?

He clearly doesn't love you and enjoys taunting you. That is a very unhealthy relationship to model to your DD. My advice would be to take half what's in your joint bank account and book a flight back home. You will have friends in UK who will help you. You can go back to your old career if you wish or do something different. You can claim UC whilst you get started. The longer you stay in your current situation the more of you will be lost.

Go back to the UK.
You will be entitled to benefits while you get yourself sorted out.
Then you can build up a career again. Sure, it will take some time and won’t happen all at once. But you’re clever, well educated, you can do it.

Yes he’ll screw you over in the divorce. But you can’t stay because of that. Just get what you can from it long distance and see anything you get as a bonus.

The marriage will never work now. Too much has happened and I actually think he’s going to get far nastier if you stay. Don’t let your DC see or hear one more minute of this abuse.

💐

Good God anything sounds better than living like this. Please divorce this cretin of an abuser, and I think if you started proceedings things will change, you watch

@thewoodforthetees You have women here to support you. Keep talking to us.

If you’re self-harming, you’ve become unwell and need looking after to help you recover.

No matter how badly you’ve behaved yourself in past or present, this man is being abusive to you. This is why you’re so depressed and anxious.

I know you may not want to leave the life you have. But it may help to see life as a series of chapters. No one can take away the life you and your daughter have had there. Now it’s time for your next chapter.

If you want to stay in the country you’re in, can you not remain there while separated? You may only be able to get a tiny place at first. But, after a while you may be able to earn more and then perhaps apply for sole immigration status on those earnings.

But sounds like you need to get away straight away, so why not come back to the UK for an extended break over Xmas to get yourself out of the toxic atmosphere and get advice from a domestic abuse charity. You can explain this to your daughter’s school, that you’re unwell and need to go home for a while.

If you move back to the UK for good, that’s fine too. You’re talented, strong and resourceful. You won’t be stuck in a rural backwater on a sofa for long. Just while you recover and get well. Try to visualise the lovely home you’ll create for you and your daughter in the UK, just the two of you.

But if you feel you can stick it out for a bit, with support, make a plan. The British Embassy should be able to help you with where to go for advice, given the emotional abuse and your immigration status being tied to your DH. Do you have friends there who don’t know your DH well, who you can trust? If so, confide in them. Start packing anything you want to keep and ask if they’ll store it for you.

While your DH is out of the house, look for evidence of any finances and take photos. Withdraw money bit by bit from the joint account and save in your own. Sell anything you don’t want and squirrel that money way too. Get everything ready before you leave. Gather as much evidence as possible for the divorce.

If you can, try to make a switch in mindset. You’re no longer stuck at home all day, feeling worthless and begging for his love. You’ve got all day to progress your undercover plans to leave him and recoup the money he owes you for supporting him in his career and earnings.

You may have become dependent on him, but you can depend on yourself again. You know that as you did it before as a lone mother. We’re here for you.

I'm reading your thread at 8.39am , and I'm assuming you didn't get on a flight . As they were only 12 hours apart , they are probably pretty frequent .
Whilst he is at work , pack up your & your child's essentials , phone your family to tell them you will be arriving and get on a plane .
Your whole new life awaits you , your child will look back in a few years and realise what a strong & sensible mother they have . Do this for them as well as you .

This.

Stop. This man is destroying you, and you are submitting your child to life in a household where his mother is treated badly. Very badly. Get your child and come home. Don't wait any longer. Don't let him get angry and hurt you physically. He's already abusing you mentally and emotionally. Save yourself and save your child. Leave.

This
You are being emotionally abused and dehumanised OP.
Please gather the strength to leave. Peace awaits you

I'm prepared to put money on the fact that none of this is your fault, he has just gaslit you into thinking it is. He is an inherently inadequate, hasty little man who is doing this to you to stop himself thinking about his own failures. If you did what he wanted and went to counselling, you can bet nothing would change and it would be all your fault for going to the wrong counsellor.

You have built yourself a career before and you certainly can again without this piece of scum dragging you down. I really hope you are on that plane and looking forward to a much more relaxed, happy future for yourself and your daughter.