Is this normal?

[Hyperbolebaba]

My husband 37, married 5 years and together for 10, is extremely sensitive to percieved control and loss of independence. Whatever my ask of him, he says I am manipulative, abusive, etc etc. Over the years i feel this has made concede on so many things, lower my standards on what i expect of marriage/my husband and pverall has left me doubting myself (and at times i feel like I am losing my sanity)

I fell out with his mother a few years ago; they are extremely close and the adult children deeply loyal to mum and each other. The entire family outcast me pretty quickly. My husband said if he stood up for me he would be outcast too and he made it clear he was not on my side. He also outcast me in many ways; he just dropped doing anything with his family with me included. Everything became private and exclusive. I am not entirely estranged from most his family. This has caused bitter rows, in the midst of fertility problems and IVF.

I have sometimes asked him to avoid certain events with his family as I was feeling so utterly excluded in not being invited; he refused and said i was controlling him. In the middle of IVF as well he insists he should be able to do this; when i tell him how much the stress affects me and that i feel its why the IVF is failing, he says I'm manipulating him with IVF, etc and i will manipulate him more with pregnancy, child, etc if he lets me get away with it. I have had a miscarriage and I begged him during the pregnancy to not go to an event as i was stressed about it; he went anyway. Another time he left me without giving me my trigger injection and went to a family dinner (simply because i has asked him not to go and he couldnt allow that for principles sake).

I have not asked him to never see any of his family again; some of them have been brutal in their rejection of me and i am really hurting from it. I have simply asked him to avoid intimate one to ones with them for a short period of time, particularly as we're commencing IVF again; i have clearly said the request doesnt apply to larger family events, dinners, Xmas, etc but he has simply refused. He says he will not ever discuss again with me on who he sees, when, how, etc period. If i ask him about being a team and putting us first, he says the marriage is most important to him but he absolute detests the talk of priority or primacy.

Am i being unreasonable? Is it normal for a person to feel they need to exercise their independence to this degree? Are my asks manipulative. He exagerrates my asks when he relays it back - "you dont want me to see my family" he insists - but that is hardly what I have asked for. I am so so utterly heartbroken and stressed. I literally feel sensations in my body from stress when these arguments come up and recently i got my period 5 days early in the middle of an argument - he says this is all manipulative and controlling. I am just losing touch with reality i feel; I cant tell anymore if i am right or wrong. I am terrified I am letting myself down but I am also desperately in love with him and want to make my marriage work.

What abuse? All we have at the minute is an OP who wants to dictate how and when her H can see his family. In fact she has said she doesn’t see it as them abusing her.

I have children with a man who manipulated and controlled me like your partner is doing to you. He always made out I was the controlling one, he would leave knowing I'd beg for him back and I felt like I was going insane. I ended up believing I was a awful terrible person and having a break down.

We split up 2,5 years ago and he still tries to control me in various ways and makes my life incredibly difficult. It's not fair on my children and If I knew then what I know now I would never have had babies with a man like him.
Please think carefully before having a baby with this man

That would be up to my sister, as his partner, and as the mother of those children. If she was still seeing my mum, which she probably would be, then my mum would still see those kids. And again, it depends on why this falling out happened. If it’s BIL at fault then why would my mum not see her daughter’s children?

It seems that this has all transpired due to the falling out with his mother, what happened to cause you to become excluded?

While it’s unfair that they have excluded you from “their” family, it is unfair for you to ask him to stop seeing his family. Do you see your family, is he present with your families gatherings and visits?

If you fell pregnant would you then be “aloud back in” or would you still be excluded? What will happen if a child was born into the situation? These dynamics at the moment would make me reconsider the IVF.

The adults are acting like spoilt children at a birthday party, your husband is prioritising his family over his wife, if you have a child will he still prioritise them? Where will this leave you?

Ok fine; would you also find it abusive if your husband says he doesnt want your children to visit people he hasnt seen in years (him being an equal parent)?

You can't tell your husband your children won't be able to visit his family members just because you have beef with them (or they have beef with you).

If you and your husband separate, you certainly will not be able to stop him from taking your children to see his family members because he has a right to do that, and your children have a right to a relationship with their own family members, even if you don't care for them.

So yes, you are being controlling.

It would be interesting to know what the incident that sparked the initial fallout with your MIL was.

You two need to split up already.
Yes separation and divorce is hard (I've done it) but it gets harder and harder as the years go by, and you get less and less of the better life you will get when you decide enough is enough.

Don't wait to hit rock bottom, don't get pregnant.

I am confused 😕 Are you saying that you are not allowing him to spend time alone with their siblings because the siblings do not wish to talk to you? And are you getting upset about hypothetical situations with children that haven't been born yet.

As someone who has experienced DA, I genuinely don't think OP is experiencing abuse.

If we altered the post to my husband won't let me see family members 1-1 because he doesn't get on with my Mum then we would all jump on to say this absue and coercive control.

If we altered the post to my husband won't let me see family members 1-1 because he doesn't get on with my Mum then we would all jump on to say this abuse and coercive control.

Exactly. My ex was abusive and it was no mystery where his tendencies came from as his family are pretty fucked up.

However, it's not my place to tell him that he's not allowed to see them or take our children to see them.

Just because OP is still in a relationship with her husband, it doesn't mean that she gets to control him in a way she wouldn't if they separated.

She would be very reasonable to want to leave him because he doesn't have her back or because she doesn't want to tie herself to a family who clearly doesn't like her, but she doesn't have the right to tell him how to interact with his own family.

Op, you're even trying to use imaginary future children to try and manipulate your partner. I'm surprised you can't see it

This.

I must admit I agree. At first I imagined you were asking for a 1 week break during peak ivf treatment but 6 months? Really unreasonable.

Either way though this all sounds incredibly toxic and not an environment for children to be brought into.

Once you reach this point where it is unclear who is being unreasonable and controlling (and here I suspect both) the relationship is over

Why are you doing IVF together? You don't even like each other.

See, I don’t think you can extend your limit to a child. It’ll be his child too and so shouldn’t be denied relationships with their family.

I don't think you're listening, OP, so I won't waste many more words.

Just think on this, please, is it fair to bring a child into this toxic relationship, and would you want them to feel as desperately unhappy as you are now?

As others have said, this just sounds dysfunctional all around. He doesn’t sound particularly pleasant or supportive. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to say he can’t see his family 1:1. If my husband told me I couldn’t see my Mum, Dad or sibling or whatever alone, no I absolutely would not agree to that. IVF is hard, physically and emotionally, and if you are lucky enough to have a baby, being parents is also extremely hard work, tiring and stressful. You need to be a close functioning team and at this time, you simply are not, if the IVF doesn’t break you, becoming parents will. I know the yearning to become a Mum is overwhelming, but I’m afraid this is not the time to be focussing on bringing a baby into this, you need to see if the relationship can be sorted out first and foremost.

And I do think saying you can’t see family members 1 to 1 is controlling

If you get stressed and anxious about him leaving you to go off with his family, imagine how stressed and upset you'll feel about him doing it with your child in tow. Because he will. He doesn't respect you or advocate for you. He will happily take your child to his family and leave you as an outsider. And it will be incredibly painful for you.

Why would you want that? Why would you want a family dynamic like this?

You haven't said much about the fall out and I'm sure his family have their own version of events too but this whole setup sounds toxic and so bad for you.

He shouldn't have to stop seeing his family just because you don't get on with them but equally you are always going to feel ostracised in this situation and he doesn't care one bit.

I think you sound really manipulative and controlling. If sexes were reversed then everyone would say he was manipulating you to lose contact with your family.

I don't think it's right to blame having a miscarriage on him, or hold him responsible for you not conceiving. I would like to know what the falling out with his mum was about.

I'm puzzled why you think it is the OP who is abusive when it is blinding obvious that he is the abuser (and his despicable family are pretty shit too).

Eh?
I don't think the OP is abusive. I've said several times that it's the husband who is being abusive and controlling.

Did you quote me by mistake?

Have you read my posts?

That's why I said I was puzzled by the male violence apologists who have posted on this thread.

I don't agree with what seems to be the consensus here.

You ARE using your IVF to try to manipulate him into not seeing his family.

To claim that IVF failed because of the stress he caused you by going to a family event for example... you can't possibly know that is the case and you could use that to try to make him feel guilty about anything he does that you don't like.

I realise I might sound ridiculously harsh here and to be clear, I don't get the impression that he is putting you first or respectful of your feelings - it sounds like a bad relationship for you both. I am also really sorry about your fertility struggles and do realise that you have clearly been going through a terrible time.

I'm not saying I think you're a bad person or that this situation is all your fault or anything ridiculous like that but I do think you do come across as being manipulative and I'm surprised that others don't seem to be picking up on this.

Unless you give details as to what terrible things the family have done to you, you are so unreasonable.

If my husband told me I could no longer see my family unless for big gatherings, we would not be together.

Can you point out exactly how he is being abusive if it's so blindingly obvious?

All I'm seeing is an OP who refuses to say what caused her MIL to fall out with her and the rest of the family to take MIL's side, and who in retribution is now trying to stop her husband from interacting with them.