Christmas MIL Issues

[XebaXeba]

Sorry, another Christmas in law one. DH and I have been married 12years.

My parents and partner's MIL live about half an hour apart. We live an hour away so relatively close.

My parents are unusual but welcoming. MIL dislikes my brother but he is not always there. He sometimes spends Christmas abroad skiing which he will be this year. She doesn't mind my parents, or so she says.

MIL has another son who lives in France. He comes and stays every other Christmas. This Christmas he is not there.

The usual Christmas plan is that we spend Christmas eve and Christmas day until lunch with MIL then travel to my family and spend the rest of Christmas day afternoon and everything there, returning home on Boxing day. If MIL's other son is not there then she will also be invited to spend the rest of Christmas with my family, which she usually accepts.

This year she approached me in private to say she wanted my partner and I to spend all of Christmas with her, so all of Christmas eve and Christmas day but said if it was not possible she hoped my parents would invite her for Christmas as they usually do.

The invite came and of course all hell breaks loose. Suddenly every excuse in the book is being used why she can't come with us to my parents and we need to be there with her. She is lonely but wants to be at home, dog has medical needs that cannot be managed at my family's house.

We suggested that she perhaps invites my family to her house instead if that is the case (she has quite a large home) but she said that she didn't want them there.

We can't leave MIL alone on Christmas so she will end up winning I've no doubt.

We could offer to host but it's further for everyone and the medical needs of said pet, if true, could not be managed at ours if it couldn't at my parents.

How can I explain it to my family who are trying to be accommodating and will also likely be alone. We often have a friend come with us to my parents house too who would otherwise spend Christmas alone who won't get an invite to MIL's house.

Just needed to rant really but any advice appreciated.

Why can’t you leave her alone? Her choice - you’ve given her an option. Don’t let her manipulate you

Yes, why can’t you?

You need to grow a spine OP and tell her that you will do what you always do (as long as you're happy to do that). She will see you Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning and then you will go to your DPs. She is welcome to join you or not, it's her decision. Don't let her blackmail you!

A lot of pandering to MIL in your post and I'd put an end to that. She dislikes your brother? Tough. I hope you've remained loyal to him if she talks badly of him. Who is she to cast her judgement and let it be known to you?! Very rude of her. What does your dh think of it all? Can he entertain her while you go to your parents and have some time with them? I wouldn't put up with her for any longer than a token amount of time so she can say she's seen you.

It's a pity but she'll just have to put up with it.

Especially after refusing to host. How selfish.

I'd want to know a bit more about the issues that mean the dog has to be home AND why she won't entertain your family.
The dog thing could be true, but why won't she entertain your parents?

Is she very old and unable to cope with entertaining?

She's behaving very badly and a manipulative witch to boot! And she knows it!
Don't cave into her bullshit!

Yes this! You’ve given her a choice and she has decided against it. She is still spending half of the three days with you and if she chooses not to spend the rest of it with you that’s her look out.

Whatever you decide for this Xmas will set the pattern for the rest of all your Xmases until your MIL dies, Op.

If you 'give in' you will be doing so for God knows how many years. Let ski bunny stay home so she's not alone or she can come with you to your parents. She shoukd count her blessings.

You've entered the game called Christmas Chicken.

Player 1 (MIL) has revealed her hand early. Or, has demanded everything, in the hope she walks away with something. As Player 2 you can chose to leave her hanging ("oh dear what a shame nevermind"), or counter bid.

You can see it as a game of chess, or rolling in muck with a pig - but take it as a game rather than personally and it'll feel better.

You are all correct. DH has already been speaking to her but she is laying the guilt on thick.

To be fair to her, my brother is a very opinionated man and will not listen to reason so I can understand her dislike for him. But as he won't be there that is not the problem this time.

I know the dog is old and has some difficulties with stairs (but does go up and down stairs with the help of MIL each morning and night) but I was not aware of any other medical issues until all this happened the other day we see MIL and the dog frequently. I think there may now be 'toileting' problems. I suspect even if this is the case it is being used as an excuse. My parents would do everything they could to make MIL and the dog and it's medical needs feel comfortable.

I think I'll definitely be visiting my family for a bit whatever. Perhaps I will invite our friend there but it'll be a miserable time for DH at the very least!

My MIL is like this, last year we had to spend NYE with them, said our DD who has sensory issues that we'd be
Going home early, but DH and other DC stay ... she absolutely went mental when we were about to leave - it's manipulative and shocking behaviour!
Can she get a taxi home?
Can you host?

No, she is younger than my parents and in OK shape.

I love this!

Don't understand why you can't just go there xmas eve until Xmas day lunchtime, as you all planned, and then onto your parents, that's still a fair compromise surely. If she doesn't want to join your parents after this then too bad, she got the first half at least. I wouldn't be giving in to her demands, she sounds ungrateful. Also, she could ask other son to stay with her.

Pleased you'll do as you feel. Dh will either have to suck it up or grow a pair and tell her he won't be accommodating her demands. If she plays the 'don't know how many more Christmases I've got' counter it with 'neither do my parents'... also, even if your dB is a royal pita it is not her place to say anything. The fact she thinks it is indicates she is used to having a say and being being listened to about things, that's the thing I'd be most angry about.

Why the fuck does the dog need to go upstairs anyway? I wouldn't have anyone's dog upstairs in my house!

You’ve given her options. She doesn’t find those to her liking. Her being alone at Christmas is what I‘d call the „natural consequences of her actions“.

Which is why you can absolutely leave her alone on Christmas!

Do what you want to do. You are spending part of Christmas Day with your MIL. She has the option to come to your parents, she has chosen not to. It is unfair of her to ask that you do not spend time with your parents on Christmas Day considering this is the norm. The way you do it currently seems very fair to both families.

Your geographical situation is similar to ours but we have children so always wake up at home, drive to my family 1 hour away for Christmas lunch, then later drive to FIL's 20 minutes away for Christmas nibbles and drive home in the evening.

Oh heavens. Don't let your mil spoil Christmas for you, your dh and your parents. Follow your usual plan. It's not unpleasant to spend part of Christmas day alone. I did it when I was co-parenting and have since chosen it.

She's bloody lucky your parents invite her tbh, what with her openly disliking their son and her refusal to host them, even though they regularly have her in their home!

In your shoes I would agree to the usual Christmas Eve/morning visit, then would go to my own parents. I would not take her with me! She is rude as fuck!

The annual game of Christmas chicken - great concept let's all aim to win not whinge!
I actually think you are already offering quite a lot so MIL can choose home alone in the p.m or a xeba do