Christmas MIL Issues

[XebaXeba]

Sorry, another Christmas in law one. DH and I have been married 12years.

My parents and partner's MIL live about half an hour apart. We live an hour away so relatively close.

My parents are unusual but welcoming. MIL dislikes my brother but he is not always there. He sometimes spends Christmas abroad skiing which he will be this year. She doesn't mind my parents, or so she says.

MIL has another son who lives in France. He comes and stays every other Christmas. This Christmas he is not there.

The usual Christmas plan is that we spend Christmas eve and Christmas day until lunch with MIL then travel to my family and spend the rest of Christmas day afternoon and everything there, returning home on Boxing day. If MIL's other son is not there then she will also be invited to spend the rest of Christmas with my family, which she usually accepts.

This year she approached me in private to say she wanted my partner and I to spend all of Christmas with her, so all of Christmas eve and Christmas day but said if it was not possible she hoped my parents would invite her for Christmas as they usually do.

The invite came and of course all hell breaks loose. Suddenly every excuse in the book is being used why she can't come with us to my parents and we need to be there with her. She is lonely but wants to be at home, dog has medical needs that cannot be managed at my family's house.

We suggested that she perhaps invites my family to her house instead if that is the case (she has quite a large home) but she said that she didn't want them there.

We can't leave MIL alone on Christmas so she will end up winning I've no doubt.

We could offer to host but it's further for everyone and the medical needs of said pet, if true, could not be managed at ours if it couldn't at my parents.

How can I explain it to my family who are trying to be accommodating and will also likely be alone. We often have a friend come with us to my parents house too who would otherwise spend Christmas alone who won't get an invite to MIL's house.

Just needed to rant really but any advice appreciated.

But she wouldn’t be alone! She has you and DH there for Xmas Eve and Christmas Day up until lunch time…..then she is choosing not to go with you to your parents. On a normal day who does she have in the house with her? If she can spend most days/evenings alone why would Xmas day be any worse?? She is manipulating you and you’re allowing it 🙄
why should your family miss out? Why should your friend end up being alone because they don’t get an invite because your MIL is being selfish?
she has two choices if she wants your company. 1) host or 2) go with you.

Please don't abandon your parents just because they don't kick up a fuss. Tell her it's only fair that your parents get to spend part of the day with both you and DH as usual. If she can't make it, it's a shame but you can't expect everyone to change their plans because of it, that would be terribly selfish of her.

If you give in to her you are building a rod for your own back.

@XebaXeba what has your hubby said about his mother throwing her dummy out the pram???? if he cant tell her then you do it! it aint happening!!

He is absolutely fuming with her but she trys it on that much he gets guilted by the fake tears. He knows she's being unreasonable and has tried to tell her but says she doesn't seem to see or understand.

I think he will put his foot down. Apparently, after I questioned DH further, she demanded we were both there, she didn't want me to go to my parents and DH stays with her. When he said that might be the only option if she was going to be awkward she kicked off (read into that she wants me to cook dinner 🤣) I don't think she actually likes me that much because I see through her silly schemes and can spot them a mile off. Unfortunately I am still a softie and need to be tough this time!

What about switching it? So your parents Christmas Eve and Christmas morning then MIL for rest of Christmas and boxing day. If this option otherwise works for you and your parents, you could give her the choice between this and the normal arrangement.

god she sounds like a nightmare. She’s gonna kick off anyway so might as well plan what you want to do.

solidarity- my parents weren’t invited for Cmas two year ago and my dad sulked for 18months. so they are coming this year for lunch. But they better be good or that’s it.

You both need to be tougher and do not kow tow or otherwise pander to her. You must have firm and consistently applied boundaries as well as presenting a united front; not having this gives her an in. And why should your family miss out?. You would not tolerate this from a friend and his mother is no different. His mother is a manipulative person and does not do guilt.

Do what you want to do re Christmas and she is more than capable of remaining at home on her own.

Sadly he has grown up with such a parent so thinks her behaviour is normal.
He cannot afford to be a wet lettuce here re his mother and fall for her tears produced on demand. Pandering to her now means she will do the same or even worse next year because this sets a precedent. She knows you're a soft touch as well. You could do with reading Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward, your H could read Toxic Parents by the same author.

As a shift worker I always have to just celebrate on whatever day I'm not working so just celebrate with her whenever. If she is alone on the actual day or part of it then that's up to her.
If she moans about it say well nurses/carers/police/ ambulance staff etc just have to celebrate when they can not on the actual day. You have plans on the actual day so she can join those plans or if she doesn't want to then pick another day as her celebration with you. My family day to get together at Christmas is the 21st this year. On the 25th I'll be working.
I don't get why she thinks she needs to be prioritised for the actual day. Very arrogant. If she is on her own she could always volunteer.

Your MIL is being really unreasonable and shouldn't get her own way. I think you should definitely go to your parents with your friend. What does your DH think? Would he come with you or feel obligated to spend the day at his mum's.

Bollocks to that, the cheeky cow! Whatever happens do not cook dinner!

You're not leaving her alone. She's invited, she's choosing to stay behind on her own.

This!

You're not leaving her alone, she will be with you for half the day. Moe than generous by the sound of it.

If she needs someone to make lunch, reassure her that DH’s testicles don’t stop him from cooking?

Lots of brilliant advice above OP.
I would also add in a third option - we will be with you on Christmas Eve MIL, next year we have plans go go skiing.
You aren’t going skiing of course, but MIL’s expectations need to be modified - in advance. She can’t dictate to you.

You don't explain anything to your parents who have generously included your MiL in 'their' half of Christmas day. Your parents should be going get their part of the day, whether at theirs or at MiLs. Your MiL needs to decide between three options. Go to your parents, host at hers or stay home alone in the afternoon. What she wants is not on offer.

I would step out of it completely, Dh goes to his mothers by himself Christmas Eve till lunchtime and then joins you and your friend at your parents.
Time together by themselves should focus everyone's minds going forward.

I really hate parental manipulation.

Leave her to her own home... she could always go to your parents for a little while and then back to her dog.

Do what you want for christmas some people just stay at home and make their own traditions so christmas eve and half of christmas day seems perfectly fine to me!!

I don't understand why it's a conversation! Just say what you're doing and she's welcome to join. I'd be tempted to say I'm not coming at all if she's going to be so manipulative and selfish

Actions have consequences. MIL can spend that particular Wednesday on her own. Don't give in to manipulation.

Don’t you dare back down! We FORBID you!😂

You stick to the original plan. DH can stay with MIL or come with you. MILs invitation to Christmas lunch at your parents has obviously been rejected and so there won’t be a place for her there last minute.

You have to stand your ground here.

The audacity! Demanding she gets everything and your parents get nothing. And you need to be there to cook her dinner! Your usual Christmas plans are very generous towards her already.
I'd be tempted to tell her she can stay home by herself at this rate.

Stick to your guns. If she still carries on, tell her in that case, you'll both be doing the whole of Christmas day with your family and you'll see her boxing day instead. So she can choose.

Get a bit of Christmas eve in the house together. It's your Christmas as well.

She isn’t alone at Christmas, she’s alone for part of the day. Which is massively common for people who live alone. My neighbour goes to her sons for lunch and a few hours after and comes home. As an older woman I don’t see a huge problem, I’d be happy with the tv and a drink after socialising.
I always imagine the hardest part is waking up alone and that’s not even happening to her.

She just using Christmas as an excuse to bully and control you. I bet she doesn’t even care about Christmas that much but it opens up the opportunity.
My own MIL created drama and control over Christmas, she didn’t even like it and would turn it into a miserable occasion.

Demanding she gets everything and your parents get nothing.

i expect that’s the point.

If you don't stand up to MIL now it will be a slippery slope of demands
-Christmas
-Easter
-her birthday
-DH birthday
Etc etc until you're there every other weekend & running around after her