Christmas MIL Issues

[XebaXeba]

Sorry, another Christmas in law one. DH and I have been married 12years.

My parents and partner's MIL live about half an hour apart. We live an hour away so relatively close.

My parents are unusual but welcoming. MIL dislikes my brother but he is not always there. He sometimes spends Christmas abroad skiing which he will be this year. She doesn't mind my parents, or so she says.

MIL has another son who lives in France. He comes and stays every other Christmas. This Christmas he is not there.

The usual Christmas plan is that we spend Christmas eve and Christmas day until lunch with MIL then travel to my family and spend the rest of Christmas day afternoon and everything there, returning home on Boxing day. If MIL's other son is not there then she will also be invited to spend the rest of Christmas with my family, which she usually accepts.

This year she approached me in private to say she wanted my partner and I to spend all of Christmas with her, so all of Christmas eve and Christmas day but said if it was not possible she hoped my parents would invite her for Christmas as they usually do.

The invite came and of course all hell breaks loose. Suddenly every excuse in the book is being used why she can't come with us to my parents and we need to be there with her. She is lonely but wants to be at home, dog has medical needs that cannot be managed at my family's house.

We suggested that she perhaps invites my family to her house instead if that is the case (she has quite a large home) but she said that she didn't want them there.

We can't leave MIL alone on Christmas so she will end up winning I've no doubt.

We could offer to host but it's further for everyone and the medical needs of said pet, if true, could not be managed at ours if it couldn't at my parents.

How can I explain it to my family who are trying to be accommodating and will also likely be alone. We often have a friend come with us to my parents house too who would otherwise spend Christmas alone who won't get an invite to MIL's house.

Just needed to rant really but any advice appreciated.

I don't understand. She's getting Christmas Eve and party of Christmas Day with you and DH. That's an absolutely fair division of your time. How come your DH is giving it any thought at all? Don't your parents count? They want to see you both too.

I'm widowed, and last year I spent Christmas Day alone. I've been very lucky in the past, but this time it didn't work out, for various reasons. But I did have all the family here on Boxing Day. Was it a bit lonely on the actual day? Yes, but my adult kids have no clue that i felt that way, as I put on a brave face and told them what a nice relaxing day I'd had.

Your MIL is being really selfish. If there are genuine reasons that she can't go to your parents (and she's so lucky to be invited!) then she has a relaxing afternoon, and counts her blessings that she had you both there for a day and a half on the Christmas three days.

^This

Why can't you leave MIL alone for the second part of Christmas if she is not in some particular need?

If your normal pattern is to share Christmas between both sets of parents (plus inviting her to the part iwth your parent) then just do the same again. "such a shame, perhaps we will pop in again for lunch in the NY".

Beggars can’t be choosers.

She fits in with the plans or she spends Christmas alone. Up to her.

Yep

Totally agree!

OP, for goodness sake do not allow yourself to be manipulated by her.
Let your husband off.

My gentle friend gave into her husband whose mother was in his ear, again, to give up her turn with her family because her other son suddenly decided to come home and she wanted all her family around her.

My friend really wanted to go home but both MIL and husband got their way, again.
Her own family were upset but accepted it.
The following year was a very different year through loss and illness in her family, as can happen, and she has huge sadness and regret.

She can't change the past but she has made it very clear to her husband that going forward she will be spending Christmas with her remaining family and he is welcome to do his own thing.

You have a fair system that works, be firm with your husband that his family, his issue to sort out.

If she sees Christmas dinner as the main event i might offer to spend Christmas eve/morning with your parents then come to her some years. But there is no way i would spe d Christmas eve to Boxing day with MIL and not see my side with my dh.

I suspect the issue is that the dog has become doubly incontinent and she doesn't want any of the 'aww, you should have the poor thing put down' conversations as she scrapes shit off your parents best rug.

We can't leave MIL alone on Christmas so she will end up winning I've no doubt.

yes. you can.

This where the Christmas Chicken comes in and you've got to wait to see who blinks first.

You say you couldn't leave her alone. Well, she doesn't need to know that does she?

Is there an option for you to host? Otherwise I’d call her bluff and leave her on her own. She might see things differently next year.

tbh i would be very clear now and win at Chicken: i will be doing this this and this. And DH and his mother can do it with me or not.

If you do as you usually do you won't be leaving her alone at Christmas, she'll have you and her son there for Christmas eve and most of Christmas day.... that's perfectly reasonable.

Tell her to grow the fuck up op, if it comes down to it then leave your husband there if he feels bad and have fun with your friend and parents who also deserve to have a visit.

I completely agree with this. She gets Christmas morning with you. It is unfair for one person to call all the shots and ruin everyone elses Christmas.

I have one like this. In the end I pulled so far back that husband went to MIL and I just went to my parents. Worked out well for me, I had a great time!

My mum has spent 3 out of the last 4 Christmases alone. I’m an only child, dad passed years ago (she’s never remarried) and she lives back in the US where I am from-2019 ex sister had passed away so she couldn’t come for her trip as we were too busy looking after his parents, 20/21 COVID/Illness got in the way, 22 she spent with me and last year I had just started my new job and didn’t need her in my space for 2 weeks. She isn’t coming this year either as I’m due to give birth on Christmas Day and want time alone with my own family. She understands that 100 percent.

We Zoom for several hours playing games/watching DS open his presents. It’s one fucking day. Tell your MIL to either pay for a dog sitter for the day or put her big girl pants on and accept you will see her as you always do.

She needs to be grateful you’re not on the other side of the world and only see each other once a year if that. Because that’s tough.

Your pandering to an overgrown child OP.

I learnt that indulging this sort of manipulation was a slippery slope. We reached the point where no concession on my part was ever enough.

Exactly. She will have had Christmas eve, Christmas morning and lunch with you. There is no reason why she can’t have a quiet afternoon and evening if she can’t/doesn’t want to leave the dog.

You need to emphasise that your parents would like to see you as well. Keep cheery and smiling, and get out of her door on time .

Yes- this is a very important point. If she wins this year, there will be more in future.

We don’t bring our children up properly if we pander to them. At some point, so it seems, you have to treat the older generation in the same way.

If she’s alone on Christmas afternoon, it’s because she’s choosing to be. You don’t need to change your plans for this. She’s being selfish and if she wins, it won’t be the last time she refuses to leave her home over Christmas.

You're not leaving her alone. She's invited, she's choosing to stay behind on her own.

I really agree with this.
Unfortunately too often women put themselves and what they want for the holidays last.
Putting husbands, inlaws, parents, unwanted visitors, hosting huge lunches, all ahead of what THEY want, every single year.

Huge mistake.
The more you give, the more some take.
Pushing back hard and telling those around you what you are doing is the only way.

Leave her on her own because it was her choice to abandon your parents and at xmas time that is shameful of your MIL even to suggest it, never mind carry it out.

You need to get your DH to speak to her and tell her she's being unreasonable.

She’s got the option to come to your family , if she won’t then she is choosing to be alone . Do not give in to this manipulation as it will only get worse .