Christmas MIL Issues

[XebaXeba]

Sorry, another Christmas in law one. DH and I have been married 12years.

My parents and partner's MIL live about half an hour apart. We live an hour away so relatively close.

My parents are unusual but welcoming. MIL dislikes my brother but he is not always there. He sometimes spends Christmas abroad skiing which he will be this year. She doesn't mind my parents, or so she says.

MIL has another son who lives in France. He comes and stays every other Christmas. This Christmas he is not there.

The usual Christmas plan is that we spend Christmas eve and Christmas day until lunch with MIL then travel to my family and spend the rest of Christmas day afternoon and everything there, returning home on Boxing day. If MIL's other son is not there then she will also be invited to spend the rest of Christmas with my family, which she usually accepts.

This year she approached me in private to say she wanted my partner and I to spend all of Christmas with her, so all of Christmas eve and Christmas day but said if it was not possible she hoped my parents would invite her for Christmas as they usually do.

The invite came and of course all hell breaks loose. Suddenly every excuse in the book is being used why she can't come with us to my parents and we need to be there with her. She is lonely but wants to be at home, dog has medical needs that cannot be managed at my family's house.

We suggested that she perhaps invites my family to her house instead if that is the case (she has quite a large home) but she said that she didn't want them there.

We can't leave MIL alone on Christmas so she will end up winning I've no doubt.

We could offer to host but it's further for everyone and the medical needs of said pet, if true, could not be managed at ours if it couldn't at my parents.

How can I explain it to my family who are trying to be accommodating and will also likely be alone. We often have a friend come with us to my parents house too who would otherwise spend Christmas alone who won't get an invite to MIL's house.

Just needed to rant really but any advice appreciated.

This

Just do your usual thing of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning with MIL and then Christmas Day afternoon and night at your parents.

MIL has been invited; if she chooses to stay home alone that is up to her.

Don't allow yourself or your DH to be guilted into something you don't want to do in order to appease her.

Be clear about your plans and allow her the opportunity to backtrack and join her, perhaps explain how you would accommodate the dog.

Seriously just say No - both you and your DH. She doesn't get to ruin your Christmas.

You go to her as usual and then to your parents. She is presumably alone the rest of the year so it's not about her being on her own it's about it being Christmas.

You carry on doing what you have always done as this suits you as a couple and includes both sets of parents. It is her that is opting out of carrying on to your parents' home.

To be fair it's nice of them to include her when she has already had Christmas Eve and Christmas day with you . But as others say be firm now because otherwise the same will be expected every year and no way should you and DH not have Christmas together to pander to her when there is no actual medical need

You wouldn't be leaving her alone, she would be chosing to stay.

I don't necessarily think you have to do what she wants, but you said your parents would be alone if you didn't go to theirs. That's not true; they'll be with each other.

I don't understand all this guilt-tripping around Christmas, mostly from parents of grown-up children. If my siblings and I didn't spend Christmas with my parents, they would make plans with other people or enjoy a quiet day with each other. They're adults, and responsible for themselves!

If you give in, what will happen next year ?
Just say No, you are driving inbetween the parents. Its totally normal you want ti see your family
Its that or nothing

Would it be sensible to assume that your DH is her second child and her PFB [who probably doesn't give a sh*t anyway] never gets grief for going away?

If I'm on the money, I'd not give it a second thought. But I'd also stop a pattern from forming where it's expected by both sides on any given year.

This is the exact reason I hate Christmas. We end up in the middle as SIL does as she pleases, but IL's would never commit to anything until she'd declared if she wanted them or not.

Now MIL has passed, FIL tries the whole stay home, with us coming to him/doing all the work, even though he's always invited to my family. DH started the guilty ohh... We can't leave him alone, we'll have to go there... but I refused! DH decided he didn't want to deal with a depressing Xmas lunch with FIL, alone (I was taking DC) so pretty much told FIL he comes or is alone. He came.

FIL has remarried & his new DW makes him come, lol.

Anyway just make your own choice. Don't fall into the trap of being manipulated.

As player 2 it's time for you to now up the ante....

"MIL, I no longer feel comfortable coming to yours for Xmas eve and spending Xmas morning / lunch at yours given your recent hysterics and dog with medical issues so I will be spending Xmas Eve and Xmas day at my parents. You're still invited to my parents if you want to join us".

Then stick to it!!!! She won't try this next year if you hold firm.