Should I just take oral sex off the table for myself?

[AnotherNcagain]

Name change for this as feel a bit embarrassed which I know is stupid . I am posting here for a bit more of a broad opinion instead of the sex board … I’ll try keep it brief but would appreciate questions that make me think and opinions that are kind and honest.

I might be taking a really wierd approach to it but I am considering approaching my partner as saying that I don’t want him going down on me for the next 6 months. The reason for it is that over the last 5 months it’s been a source of tension and upset for me.

Back story is together just over 4 years, both divorced with dc that only live with us 50% of time. We have seperate houses / household but spend a lot of time alone together or as a blended family.

Oral sex on me from him has gone down in last two years ( no pun intended). It can to a head when we were having sex early summer and I asked him to go down in me during sex. He ignored it and after the sex I was noticeably quiet and a bit withdrawn. After I came out of the shower he brought me up tea, offered a back rub ect so seems he was aware of him ignoring me. A month later I blew up at him as he was sexting me and I did say he should never have told me he loved oral sex in first few months ( giving and receiving). I said maybe he liked it with past partners but not Just me and to be honest. He said he loved it with me but needed to be in mood. He made conscious effort to incorporate ( at least once ever 2 weeks). It dropped off again and I mentioned it again and asked him to be honest . I got same answer again.
last night we were having sex and he tried to pull me toward him to sit on his face. I declined then a bit later he tried when I was on my back. In thought ok just let him and it lasted 2 0 seconds if that. The rest of it was incredible though.

should I just tell him today that I no longer want oral sex for 6 months ( me receiving) as I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. When he does it now I can’t enjoy it as feel he’s just doing it for me. Advice pls.

Sorry if there’s been tmi

I think the six month thing is a terrible idea, it doesn’t really achieve anything.

I personally would stop mentioning it and see how sec plays out. If he offers it and you want it great, but don’t ask. That seems to be the most honest way to see his feelings on it if he won’t discuss it.

If it becomes clear that he doesn’t enjoy it, doesn’t offer enthusiastically of his own accord, you can decide if it is a deal breaker for you or not.

@Box24L no I am not and I am not considering leaving him. He does so much for me in other ways. I know a relationship can’t be 100% perfect. He doesn’t smoke, gamble, go out with the lads, he’s happy home with my and dc. He’s always planning stuff for us to do as blended family or just us.

Oh ok, I expect it’s not an uncommon issue. You might find some of the advice in that thread helpful, I can’t remember the title. I can post it if I see it.

Difficult one.

For me the key phrase is ‘needs to be in the mood’.

When I have oral sex, the unspoken rule is it’s initiated by the giver. Ie I’d never ask for someone to go down on me, and I’d be quite turned off if a guy asked me. It feels nice to receive when the giver spontaneously wants to give, otherwise I don’t think I’d enjoy it.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself why receiving frequently is so important to you? Apologies if you’ve already answers that, I’ve not had time to read all posts.

‘@Box24L yes i think these things are commoner than discussed tbh. It’s a first time experience for me hence not really knowing how to address it. Sundays when we don’t have dc is our routine for sex ( even when we do but a lot quieter) so I did go back up to bed this morning :) He was happy and so was I.
I think I might do what a pp said and not say anything or ask for it. If he gives it then I should be receptive. I don’t want to blow up a good relationship .. would be worse if he weren’t having sex at all. But yes please feel free to share the link when you can x

I don't think is a solution because your problem seems to be that he's selfish. In these circumstances it might be quite nuclear to take oral sex off the table but if you're thinking of doing that I strongly think you should not be giving it either so the experience is shared. Otherwise you look a bit of a martyr and he's can neither fix it not accept it without looking like a dick.

@ElleintheWoods I just want it now and again as I’ve got used to going now a long time without. I want it because I think it’s the most intimate thing you can do with another human plus I love the sensation of it. I think the issue is he is not usually “ in the mood” but yes you make a valid point. Feels much better when someone just wants to do it for you :( it felt like an empty gesture last night.

Here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5202868-to-ask-how-i-approach-the-issue-of-giving-with-him-again-sex-related

This post nails it!

I do get where you're coming from. I'm not hugely into receiving but I'm into a couple of other things where I'd be a bit disappointed if they weren't regular.

I am under the impression that oral sex tends to twindle a bit though once relationships become more established. E.g. in Just Like That, the "You still blow Harry?!" scene where it turned out married people just weren't having it. Or men generally saying that bjs are reserved for special occasions.

I don't mean this in a critical way but if a man said they are frustrated with their partner because they don't get a bj everytime they have sex and are thinking about it putting it on ice, they would likely get told they are being very unreasonable.

I'd say you probably need to adjust your way of thinking. You enjoy receiving but he isn't always in the mood for giving. It's a consent thing. You can't blackmail oral out of him.

You're focusing on what's lacking but you've also said that the rest of it is amazing. Diversify your range a bit, focus on other things you guys enjoy, don't focus on the one thing you're missing, try different kinds of sex.

It sounds a little like you're putting a lot of importance on one particular sex act and allowing that to affect your confidence. Maybe you have deeper insecurities attached to receiving/ not receiving. That's something you need to get your head around yourself, making your partner do something when he isn't in the mood isn't the answer.

And when he wants to do it, don't overthink it, e.g. Imagine he is doing it out of duty. Next time it happens just embrace it, let it happen, enjoy it, make him feel like you're truly enjoying it, and don't comment on it afterwards. Don't let it become this big thing that comes between you

Have another conversation and come to a compromise

@ElleintheWoods thank you so much for your thoughtful insight. I read it last night and again today.
I def think I would have self sabotaged if I went down the route of taking the oral sex off the table for myself. I won’t be going down that route.
I think it will be good if I do explain my behaviour from Saturday night of not letting him go down on me the first time. I just think he may have psyched himself up to do it and that was off putting. Even the second time when I did let him, it was for a very short period that he did it which shows he doesn’t like doing it anymore. So yes, don’t want him to do something he doesn’t like. My anger is more because months ago when this all came up again he said he “loved” going down on me. I suppose that’s generally how he is in the relationship though, he doesn’t like to be the reason I am upset.

So yes, I won’t be asking for it again and in my mind it’s off the table in terms of I won’t be expecting by some miracle he wants to go down on me frequently and how I enjoy it :(
Our sex life is pretty varied but yes will need to think outside the box. As a pp suggested, I would love to ask him what’s changed in his approach to oral sex but I think I will just leave it. All I know is he doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to do it, so that’s enough for me :(

You shouldn't be grateful for things like him not gambling and being happy to spend time with you.

Look, if you're not happy with an aspect of your relationship, be in sexual or otherwise, you don't have to stay in it.

I know for a lot of people, not receiving enthusiastic oral sex would be a ridiculous reason for leaving a relationship - but I absolutely would leave. Sex is probably the most important part of a relationship to me.

@Bumblebeestiltskin i was trying to highlight he is one of the better ones. He’s just come back from the gym with flower for me :( And it’s not for any special occassion, just because he knows it makes me happy.
Sex is very important to me too but I don’t want to split with him over this. If we weren’t having sex or if he wasn’t enthusiastic about all other aspects of sex then I would be out of here! Because no sex in a relationship would not be for me.

Personally I would be really upset with a partner who just suddenly decided that they didn’t want to do it. What is the relationship like otherwise?

To me, this says that there is an incompatibility sexually. Hard to come back from that..

@FeistyFrankie well I am glad me being upset is ok with some posters.
Rest of the relationship is really good, no big arguements or issues, we go on a lot of holidays without dc as well as with. Have similar interests and a no drama approach. Regular sex ( about 4 times a week and we are in 40s). We have our own special inside jokes and little anniversaries. He’s taken care of me a lot when I’ve been sick .., I have with him but mine was more serious and not man flu lol.

Difficult one. DH loves giving oral, and I'd definitely be upset if he stopped abruptly or didn't seem enthusiastic out of the blue. It's pretty much an every day experience here (sorry, not trying to rub salt into the wounds) so it would be a noticeable shock. That said, I like giving but not as much as he does, so I don't do it every day. Maybe four times a week? But he has a bit of a favour for hands, so he's happy with that and I think he'd be a bit upset if I stopped touching him.

If he asked for oral, I'm not sure how I'd feel. On the one hand, as a one off I'd think he was just really fancying it. If he asked me to do it every day, I'd have to say no. I just don't want to do it every time. Nothing wrong with him, I just don't. There's also been times when I've wanted him to stop oral on me halfway through and use his fingers.

Could you vary a bit maybe? Do you use toys or anything? I quite like incorporating these kinds of things just to keep stuff a bit fresh. Other times I just want us to skip straight to the penetration. It sounds like a bit of a communication issue? Maybe just let him know you value oral, there's no pressure for every day, but he's very good and you wouldn't ever say no to it being more regular if he wants. Then move on to other parts of sex you like with him.

Try to take the upset out of it. Don't go tit-for-tat or just a random deadline though, that's just setting you both up to fail.

Glad to be of some help 😊

Sex is a funny thing, sometimes you want certain things and sometimes you don’t, and often there’s no rational reasoning as to why you desire something in the moment.

Easier said than done but try to get out of your head and back into the moment, be present and don’t overthink it.

He probably does love going down on you, most men do, but if there’s been discussions around it in the past, sounds like you both may think about it too much whenever it’s about to happen.

Easier said than done but focus on the positives and enjoy sex.

I couldn’t sleep last night. Somehow we did manage to talk about sex last night after work. But yes I do have a doubt about compatibility sexually long term. For him it’s always been ebbs and flows as we’ve settled down in the past few years and for him it depends on what’s going on in other aspects of life. For me it’s always been consistent. Even with a close death in the family I was still ready to have sex after a week. So that’s a fundamental difference.

Difficult one and I can see it from both sides, it’s something you love (giving and receiving oral) but he isn’t that keen on giving. I don’t think you should tell him that giving you oral is off the table for 6 months because that will become permanent and you know it will never happen then. He might not love giving oral and you can’t force him to like it or do it but he loves you and so he might still do it from time to time and if he then sees how much you enjoy it then he might come around and begin to enjoy doing it for you too.

I think your idea is good..Just stop asking and concentrate on the good parts. A relationship like you describe is rare. Reevaluate after six months if it is good enough for you.

My dh isn't massively into foreplay at all. In 3 years he's given me oral sex 3 times. He isn't into receiving it either which is something I'm not used to.
If you are sexually compatible in other ways and are fulfilled in other ways I think it's something you need to accept.
As other posters have said you can't make somebody do something.
You need to let him know how much it means to you. He will either make more of an effort or he won't. Either way you'll have to decide if you're happy.
If it's really that much of a big deal then maybe he's not the one for you.

I suspect the situation is complicated by you loving doing it maybe to the extent that if you didn't do it, you would miss not doing it perhaps, seeing as you do it every time. Also, that given your reaction to him not doing it to request, was to the extent of sulking, you'd probably like it done to you every time ideally.
Reciprocation is part of sex, so if you want to receive, as you've already found, don't give every time. He's learnt that he gets it every time whether he has reciprocated or not.
All 6 months of not receiving, if you carry on giving, will do, is make him a more selfish lover where he can enjoy without having to put any effort in his end. If you want more of it, the answer is to give it to him less. Decide what you prefer, is less giving out, so you receive more often, really that much of a big deal? It's a rare person who would go as far as to say the prefer giving than receiving as giving doesn't usually result in an orgasm, however much you like doing it, so you should be able to bear not doing it every time.

@Opentooffers this is a useful insight to not turn the tap off completely but sometimes not give a bj. We had sex twice this morning as no kids in the house and of course he got it every time :( It was still good though and noticed extra attention in other areas! Sorry of tmi.

@50andhopeless thank you yes I really think it would be hard to find someone that I get on with like this. We have a good life balance and after a shit marriage and divorce, this is really a new life for me.

@SunshineSteve thanks, I will live in hope! Will update you all if and when it happens lol