Should I just take oral sex off the table for myself?

[AnotherNcagain]

Name change for this as feel a bit embarrassed which I know is stupid . I am posting here for a bit more of a broad opinion instead of the sex board … I’ll try keep it brief but would appreciate questions that make me think and opinions that are kind and honest.

I might be taking a really wierd approach to it but I am considering approaching my partner as saying that I don’t want him going down on me for the next 6 months. The reason for it is that over the last 5 months it’s been a source of tension and upset for me.

Back story is together just over 4 years, both divorced with dc that only live with us 50% of time. We have seperate houses / household but spend a lot of time alone together or as a blended family.

Oral sex on me from him has gone down in last two years ( no pun intended). It can to a head when we were having sex early summer and I asked him to go down in me during sex. He ignored it and after the sex I was noticeably quiet and a bit withdrawn. After I came out of the shower he brought me up tea, offered a back rub ect so seems he was aware of him ignoring me. A month later I blew up at him as he was sexting me and I did say he should never have told me he loved oral sex in first few months ( giving and receiving). I said maybe he liked it with past partners but not Just me and to be honest. He said he loved it with me but needed to be in mood. He made conscious effort to incorporate ( at least once ever 2 weeks). It dropped off again and I mentioned it again and asked him to be honest . I got same answer again.
last night we were having sex and he tried to pull me toward him to sit on his face. I declined then a bit later he tried when I was on my back. In thought ok just let him and it lasted 2 0 seconds if that. The rest of it was incredible though.

should I just tell him today that I no longer want oral sex for 6 months ( me receiving) as I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. When he does it now I can’t enjoy it as feel he’s just doing it for me. Advice pls.

Sorry if there’s been tmi

Some people on here have been weirdly judgemental of your feelings on it. I understand removing it as a way of stopping yourself from wanting it and then feeling rejected, it just draws a line under it....some honesty from him would have cleared things up, because yes - if they want to, they will.

In my couple of years dating, plenty men said they loved it but it became apparent in their way of doing it, how often etc, that they didn't. I'd suggest it's this rather than you.

For me it was a total deal breaker, but it sounds like for you - not necessarily? If you imagine it never featuring again, would you be fine with it?

@AnotherNcagain

I'm sorry to say that I too feel you are being manipulating, even if not intentionally so.

When it comes to sex there's infinite ways of people being together but on the whole I 'd say it's generally better to be in control of what you do yourself and what you accept to have done to you, and leave off the asking your partner for something.

I wouldn't want my husband to ask me to do some of the stuff he does to me because I don't want to do it. Thankfully he never does, because if he did, I'd have to say no but it would be on my mind that I wasn't fully satisfying him and because of how I am I might even convince myself to try, even though I have no desire to. This would ruin our 25+ intimate relationship.

However you feel about being told that your partner "loved giving oral" but you are not experiencing it at the moment is a different issue.
Firstly don't treat sex, or people as a constant, or take what people say about it to be a contract. You weren't duped, you are in a long term relationship with a person, not a product.
What was true in the past or a week ago might be different now, and may change again in the future.

Be yourself. Continue to do want you enjoy in the bedroom but if you believe that receiving a satisfactory (for you) amount and quality of oral sex is something you find essential in a relationship then make the decision to leave.

If on the other hand the relationship as a whole is worth it, then don't mention it again.
If he wants to do something, when it's done it should be done enthusiastically.

Interesting thread OP. I have the same going on in my relationship. Lovely man, both in 40s, almost no oral (from him). He’ll even text me that he can’t wait to do it and then, in the act, not! I really don’t get it. It’s starting to upset me too, and making me remember my relationships when I was younger where partners would spend ages doing it so naturally— it was just a normal thing.

A older thread, but this.

Have a grown up conversation and be prepared that it may not go the way you want. Your behaviour may already be poisoning the relationship. Stop trying to manipulate and accept there's two sides.

This thread is bizarre. If it had been written the other way round by a man about a woman there would be uproar. He’s abusive, coercive, etc.

He’s allowed to prefer not to do some things in bed. Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you because you’re so sensitive, overthinking, and frankly weird. Maybe you’re a little bit whiffy during the act and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

I love performing oral but I can see it’s a bit more yucky for men. I don’t mind doing it even if they don’t do it back. It isn’t transactional for me, it’s more about what happens in the moment if that makes sense.

Just to reiterate as I keep saying it. I am no longer asking him for oral or expect it.

I’m upset about whole episode to be honest.

I don’t like being lied to and strung along.
He gave me false hope for months.

It’s about sex and trust. I get the feeling that some on this post aren’t fussed by sex or reciprocation being a part of it. I have done sexual stuff for my dp that aren’t standard and 2 of these things were a first for me. Though not keen at the thought of it, I tried it, sometimes I will do it of my own initiative as I know he enjoys it and sometimes he actually asks for it. I don’t actually even want sex anymore, I am just put off by the whole thing right now, too many emotions tied to it.

For those saying I am going to manipulate him by withholding sex, it will be a natural break as he goes home tomorrow and I won’t see him till next week alone as we will do stuff collectively with our Dc over the weekend. So it’s better this way. Other aspects of the relationship are still ongoing .

@CherryPizza have you tried to broach this subject with him?

He surprised me last night and went down on me for a very long time.. I woke up very happy 😅

You can’t make him give you oral anymore than a man can make a woman, giving ultimatums doesn’t really solve the issue, you need to find out why he doesn’t want to anymore as, in all honesty, most of the men I know enjoy giving oral sex

@Sadcafe as I’ve said a few weeks ago, I haven’t mentioned anything and I won’t be raising until after Christmas as everything wish is good and we have plans together and are a family with both sets of dc. I might not even say anything after tbh.

Implied in your question of why he doesn’t like it anymore … from my side I’m in very good shape, I shower twice a day normally, no pubes and even by personal trainer commented that I hardly sweat after an intense work out.

We went out yesterday to mark a special occasion just the two of us for a meal and the theatre. I didn’t ask or expect him to give me oral as I’ve pretty much given up on it. He rolled me over so I thought we were going to be in missionary but he obviously didn’t. He did ask this morning jokingly “ how was my performance last night” and I said 10 stars. Keeping it light and keeping my own emotions ok check right now.

@AnotherNcagain , glad things are looking up, really hope I wasn’t implying anything about your personal hygiene, absolutely not what I meant, just may be some reason why he doesn’t enjoy it as much, peoples likes do alter

Oh OP, this makes me feel really sad, like you're so grateful for scraps.

@Bumblebeestiltskin it does affect my self esteem as he never tells me I look lovely or beautiful or whatever former partners used to say. It’s all interlinked. Yet when I go to work, I seem to get that affirmation from colleagues and even the director … at our event a few weeks ago he commented on my dress and that I looked gorgeous ( the dress wasn’t slutty or risks) Just want to add, I dress my age which is a trick I learnt from the French that it actually makes you look younger). But yeah though I am digressing glad you are hearing me. Yet when we went out last night, his hand didn’t move from my thigh all evening but he failed to tell me I looked nice even though I made a big effort. I think his love language is more subtle when it comes to these things or maybe it’s just me?

Healthy relationships shouldn't really be this difficult

@Sadcafe no it’s ok. This thread is actually making me feel really sad .. I started it to get some support or experience from others in same situation.

I'm having trouble imagining a relationship that is perfectly fine in all other respects, and suddenly you're imposing rules that sound like a sentence of probation ("6 months", not just "a bit") on one particular aspect of your sex life based on what appears to be a small difference in how often the two of you like to do one particular thing.

Have you considered talking to a sex therapist? You could start by yourself and then bring in your partner if it makes sense to do so. 🙏

It’s been a few months since my original post. He’s initiating going down on me once a week out of the 3/4 times we have sex. I keep expecting or would expect him if it was so gross for him that he’d be running to bathroom to wash his mouth out but none of that. Or would not do it at all. I haven’t asked for those who are wondering, I never ask as don’t want it to be awkward if he doesn’t want to. But when he does it’s been amazing!

How do I stop getting alerts for this, please?