Should I just take oral sex off the table for myself?

[AnotherNcagain]

Name change for this as feel a bit embarrassed which I know is stupid . I am posting here for a bit more of a broad opinion instead of the sex board … I’ll try keep it brief but would appreciate questions that make me think and opinions that are kind and honest.

I might be taking a really wierd approach to it but I am considering approaching my partner as saying that I don’t want him going down on me for the next 6 months. The reason for it is that over the last 5 months it’s been a source of tension and upset for me.

Back story is together just over 4 years, both divorced with dc that only live with us 50% of time. We have seperate houses / household but spend a lot of time alone together or as a blended family.

Oral sex on me from him has gone down in last two years ( no pun intended). It can to a head when we were having sex early summer and I asked him to go down in me during sex. He ignored it and after the sex I was noticeably quiet and a bit withdrawn. After I came out of the shower he brought me up tea, offered a back rub ect so seems he was aware of him ignoring me. A month later I blew up at him as he was sexting me and I did say he should never have told me he loved oral sex in first few months ( giving and receiving). I said maybe he liked it with past partners but not Just me and to be honest. He said he loved it with me but needed to be in mood. He made conscious effort to incorporate ( at least once ever 2 weeks). It dropped off again and I mentioned it again and asked him to be honest . I got same answer again.
last night we were having sex and he tried to pull me toward him to sit on his face. I declined then a bit later he tried when I was on my back. In thought ok just let him and it lasted 2 0 seconds if that. The rest of it was incredible though.

should I just tell him today that I no longer want oral sex for 6 months ( me receiving) as I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. When he does it now I can’t enjoy it as feel he’s just doing it for me. Advice pls.

Sorry if there’s been tmi

Things haven’t improved. I’m just posting this as therapy for myself really. I feel so low. It’s like a small thing has become a big thing because I’ve made it so for myself.

Have you spoken to him since? Have you been continuing to return the favour to him?

@GiddyRobin i have been giving him oral every other time instead of every time. Though he did get an oral only session last week as it was my time of the month and we were both horny.
We haven’t discussed it again since the last time. The last time when I brought it up then we ended up talking about it again a few days later which I mentioned on the thread but didn’t go into the detail. he said he “liked going down on me” though not as much as I enjoy giving it. What upset me here is the time months ago when we discussed it he said he “loved going down on me”. These comments are different and his actions are even further removed.

Last night I wore something he finds sexy and I suprised him in living room. It would normally result in him going down on me but nothing last night. I must have been secretly hoping. I didn’t go down on him with as I could tell after round one he was ready again but I really didn’t feel like it, was upset and quiet. I think he knew as when we went to bed he told me he loved me and stroked my back till I slept.

@AnotherNcagain
Honestly, and I know this won’t be a popular opinion, but I really think you need to totally drop this or you are in danger of derailing a really otherwise happy relationship. If it is that important to you and it’s a deal breaker then you need to be honest with yourself and break up.

I know you feel he lied, maybe he did, maybe he wanted to say what you wanted to hear, but he sounds like an otherwise fantastic, caring guy. Maybe have a read of what some guys are like on these posts and I think you’d realise how lucky you actually are.

if this was reversed and it was the guy trying to get the woman to perform, everyone would say LTB, he’s selfish, an arse…etc! You are pressuring him constantly about this and it’s not on. You say you got dressed up and surprised him in the living room (you were hoping) but he didn’t do it!! You are heaping on a load of pressure and he knows it! I cannot believe you are still hounding him when he has made it very clear he doesn’t want to.

It’s barely been 24 hours! What on earth are you expecting?? Give this poor guy a break and get off his case.

I’d just find someone compatible. You need to feel like this about yourself.

Believe his actions, not his words. He obviously doesn't want to perform oral sex - if he wanted to, he would!

It's annoying, but is it a deal breaker?

My DH has never once gone down on me. He doesn't like it. It was never my favourite thing, but I did enjoy it with other people, so I was shocked at his stance on it. I do give him blow jobs, but he's very quick to move things along, so he's obviously just not into it much even when he's recieving.

I think in your shoes, I'd stop giving him any blowjobs. Merely to make a silent point. But I wouldn't discuss it whatsoever. If he asks in a few months why you aren't giving him oral, I'd say "Oh, I thought that was taken off the table a few months back?"

It's been TWO weeks.

Do you really want him to be doing something he doesn’t want to be doing? I think you need to take the pressure off him as this all sounds a bit grim - you don’t want to be veering towards coercion (I’ll be upset if you don’t etc).

Apologies! My mistake… but even that isn’t long.

Fingers are very nice too. Nicer, in fact.

I am just rereading all the posts as read them in the day at work but now in cab on way home from work Xmas party ( bit early I know lol). I came here on here more to just let off a bit of steam as I’ve been in my own head a little. I haven’t sulked or said anything to him and nor do I want to. We’ve messaged through out the day as normal. As one of the posters has suggested, he is a caring and fantastic guy in all other ways. Christmas is coming up, we will get through that as we have plans together and with our dc together:

I don’t want stop giving bjs don’t want to turn bedroom into battle ground. Think I have probably done this to death. It’s been good to get others opinions but I won’t be trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to do, I would feel disgusting and awful tbh.

I’m sorry. You can’t manipulate someone into giving you oral sex.

@TENSsion where have I manipulated him? I’ve just said in my last post I don’t want something he doesn’t want to do. I can still be sad that this chapter in my love life is closed. He wants to get married so he will probably be the only and last man I sleep with in my remaining lifetime. Have you never felt rejected before? Or upset?

Giving him the silent treatment.
Withholding affection you’re otherwise happy to give.
It’s coercive.

What options does she have that you feel are fair to both parties?

The only option when someone doesn’t want to do something during sex is to accept that.

Whether she wishes to continue the relationship is her choice.

The fact that you've continued to post about how upsetting it is for you because things haven't improved, and you've ended up mentally counting how many times you do it for him and restricting that( even though you say you love doing it), presumably as some kind of punishment to him, shows that sexually you're incompatible.
Whether that means the break up of your relationship or not depends on the importance you give it compared to how you feel about the relationship overall.
If he never did it to you again would you be happy to accept that and stay with him for the foreseeable future? Or would there always be an underlying feeling of something lacking and some dissatisfaction with him? If the latter then really that doesn't sound like long-term the relationship will work and you should break up. Neither of you is right or wrong, some people like it, some don't but fundamentally I don't think you're going to wake up one day and find he's changed from how he is now.

@TENSsion there’s been no silent treatment. We fell asleep wrapped in each others arms last night. I was quiet yes but that’s me being upset. Just like he’s allowed to be “not in the mood” for oral sex for me, I can be upset and not have to feel bad about it.
@ISeriouslyDoubtIt yes I have posted as it was something I wanted to talk about as easier to process as I don’t have someone to discuss this with in real life. But yes, I agree, he’s not going to change.

I think you both deserve to be happy with your sex life and you can be sad that something you previously enjoyed is no longer happening. I think you should carry on giving oral as often as you want to, don't overthink it as a reward or punishment.

I think you are over thinking it..
How can all this 'twice a week' 'not for 6 months' stuff be sexy?
Sounds like some sort of instruction manual..
It would never occur to me to tally up sex acts to see what who was receiving when..
Surely you just do what you feel in the moment?
And surely you only make boundaries regarding what you do not want to happen..? And the things you do want to happen are just suggestions rather than demands on a schedule?

Personally I think you should mentally take it off the table for you as you seem to have focused on this one sex act yo the extent you now don't get as much pleasure from it even when he does do it as you think he's only doing it to please you!!
I don't think you should be telling him '6 months' or whatever rule.. as it just adds to the problem.. you've overthought this and over discussed it to the point where it's now awkward for both of you.
Just take a step back.
Don't mention it and if he does go down on you just let him. If it's good and you enjoy it then say so. But if it's not what you hoped just let it go and do something else together... coz you have now put so much pressure on this situation that you can't win. I think it's really time to take the pressure off but you do not do that by saying things like "you can't do x for x amount of time" coz that sounds quite rigid and passive aggressive.

Why six months? Do you think he'll suddenly gain an amazing oral technique over that period of time through abstinence? If you want to be with him for longer than the next six months what's your plan?
It sounds like you don't enjoy his version of oral and he doesn't seem keen on doing it. Either you can accept sex without oral or not. I wouldn't be keen to go without.
His attitude isn't great. But if someone doesn't want to do something or they're not very good at it you can either try help them improve or maybe find someone more compatible.

@BobbyBiscuits he used to be great at prep and it was never an issue.

I agree. I am not really enjoying sex anymore because of this to a certain extent. I’m just fed up amd I’ve done this to death now so yes in my head I will not anticipate it for the future. His answer is his actions not his words. I would have appreciated honestly. I don’t know what changed for him. I’ve got very good personal hygiene and I’m in shape. But anyway no point being upset anymore .