Should I just take oral sex off the table for myself?

[AnotherNcagain]

Name change for this as feel a bit embarrassed which I know is stupid . I am posting here for a bit more of a broad opinion instead of the sex board … I’ll try keep it brief but would appreciate questions that make me think and opinions that are kind and honest.

I might be taking a really wierd approach to it but I am considering approaching my partner as saying that I don’t want him going down on me for the next 6 months. The reason for it is that over the last 5 months it’s been a source of tension and upset for me.

Back story is together just over 4 years, both divorced with dc that only live with us 50% of time. We have seperate houses / household but spend a lot of time alone together or as a blended family.

Oral sex on me from him has gone down in last two years ( no pun intended). It can to a head when we were having sex early summer and I asked him to go down in me during sex. He ignored it and after the sex I was noticeably quiet and a bit withdrawn. After I came out of the shower he brought me up tea, offered a back rub ect so seems he was aware of him ignoring me. A month later I blew up at him as he was sexting me and I did say he should never have told me he loved oral sex in first few months ( giving and receiving). I said maybe he liked it with past partners but not Just me and to be honest. He said he loved it with me but needed to be in mood. He made conscious effort to incorporate ( at least once ever 2 weeks). It dropped off again and I mentioned it again and asked him to be honest . I got same answer again.
last night we were having sex and he tried to pull me toward him to sit on his face. I declined then a bit later he tried when I was on my back. In thought ok just let him and it lasted 2 0 seconds if that. The rest of it was incredible though.

should I just tell him today that I no longer want oral sex for 6 months ( me receiving) as I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. When he does it now I can’t enjoy it as feel he’s just doing it for me. Advice pls.

Sorry if there’s been tmi

I wouldn't be giving him any if he doesn't reciprocate. I'd quietly approach it that way and when he notices you can explain you should have mentioned you're not that keen on it either. See how he likes it. I wouldn't cut your nose off though.

Why 6 months? If he doesn’t want to do it then you should tell him he doesn’t have to but you’ve already indicated that you’re pissed he only wants to do it when he’s in the mood so you’ve kinda made a situation here. Would you have his cock in his mouth if you didn’t want it? Do you think after not doing it for 6 months it would become more attractive.

It's a tricky one because of course no one should feel compelled to do anything sexual that they don't want to, and personally I don't think it's part of a healthy relationship to withhold elements of sex for tit for tat reasons; but I enjoy oral a lot and would miss it if DH was no longer into it (but wouldn't pressure him). You've spoken to him about it respectfully so he knows how you feel, but really I'd just assume that it's going to be the same going forward and whether it's a deal breaker for you.

@Flowerrrr I go down on him every time as tbh I love it. A few times I noticed I didn’t go down on him as it was more of a quick passionate one, the next time he would go down on me.
@Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink i am giving it 6 months for me to see how badly I miss it. Tbh there won’t be a solution at the end of 6 months, you are quite right there. I just feel upset and miss it. But I know the difference between an enthusiastic man going down on me and what I am currently getting.

go down on him every time as tbh I love it. A few times I noticed I didn’t go down on him as it was more of a quick passionate one, the next time he would go down on me.

This all seems a bit pathetic in honesty, a healthy sex life shouldn't be 2 adults playing games like this.

If he doesn't want to then you can't force him to imagine if it was the other way around!

@Flowerrrr no I wasn’t playing games, I didnt consciously not go down on him. He should know that as when I’m on my period I do want and do give him a bj. It’s not transactional from my part. Think it was a bit unnecessary to call me pathetic though without asking more questions perhaps?

Why can't you ask him what's changed for him? I know he said he needs to be in the mood but it's clearly a lie, I'd want to know what it is that's changed (obviously you can't force him to say, but I'd open that conversation again).

His do you climax during sex with him, op?

@Pandasnacks yes I am not delusional, I know it’s a lie. Yes I think your suggestion is what I will try.
Just to reiterate to everyone that I don’t want him to go down on me when he doesn’t want to. Makes me feel even more crap tbh as well as being obviously lied to.

Yes I do luckily.

But you're looking to play games now, and by the sound of it if he doesn't get oral (whatever the reason on your part for not doing it) he'd do it the next time- also a game. I didn't call you pathetic but the situation between both of you sounds pathetic.

You sulked when you didn't get it, then when he made move to give you it you refused and felt it wasn't enthusiastic enough. You blew up at him? Not you are considering some strange 6 month ban? This isn't OK. You are using horrible methods here. People aren't robots, something he liked in the past might not be something he like forever. You have a very unhealthy approach here

I wasn't suggesting you were delusional. I was preempting you saying 'but I've already asked him and he said he has to be in the mood'.

Surely it's about give and take . Don't do it to him if he does not reciprocate .

Why are people suggesting that needing to bebin the mood is a lie? Surely every aspect of sex needs the person to be in the mood. Doesn't seem like a lie to me at all.

It's perfectly acceptable for him not to want to give you oral sex, even if you've given it to him. It's also fine for him to do it a lot at first and want to do it less as time goes on. Are you expecting him to give you oral sex when he doesn't want to? Can you imagine if a man was saying he was unhappy as his wife didn't feel like giving him blow jobs every time he asked? He's allowed to say no OP, just as a woman is. And if you don't like it then you are free to leave.

Don't expect anyone to do things they don't want to do just because they did before and you want them to.

@Flowerrrr it’s something I noticed, not something i consciously did.
@Hillrunning what is the approach you think I take? I don’t want to damage my relationship, love this man very much. He’s not great at these kind of conversations and I don’t want our sex life to become a battle ground as it’s very good otherwise.

No no I don’t mean you were insinuating that.
bear with me. My thoughts are all over the place. Feel quite crap. Might just come of this thread and just process things. I don’t want to make things worse so maybe I will just leave it.

I agree with this, but saying "stop doing it if you don't like it" is fine. Sensible even. I would hate anyone going down on me if it was noticeably unenthusiastic.

Op does like going down on him so she doesn't have to withhold that though... Parts of the whole interaction come across as potentially a bit sulky / unhealthy

You have to have an honest and open conversation about it. I don't see why you would say no oral for six months to see if you miss it, that's just odd and from his perspective is manipulative. Either he lied and he doesn't like it or he lied and he's inexperienced at it but as a grown woman with kids you may as well bite the bullet and communicate properly about it. It's only oral sex, it's not but like you're talking about dogging or something, but if it is so important to you that you would consider leaving him after 6 months without it (unless I have misunderstood the 6 month pause) then I don't understand why you wouldn't actually insist on a frank, non stroppy, conversation about it instead.

I'm not sure about jumping straight to the solution IYSWIM - like, stating this is the answer to what has become a problem.

I'm also very unsure about you creating a situation where your sex life doesn't contain oral as a routine. That seems to me the quickest way to make it permanent.

What would you do if you do miss it - break up with him?

I think I'd just ask for it whenever you want it tbh. That to me is the most simple and honest approach. Basically to stop second guessing his actions and beliefs, and to be open about yours.

Well the things you have been doing so far don't seem to reflect that you love him. Anger, upset, demands etc aren't loving. Sex changes, that's ok. It's also OK to notice it and want to communicate about it but the healthy way would be without any of the negative tactics you have been doing. If I noticed a change and wanted to understand why, I'd bring it up at a neutral time. Ie not during or right after sex. I'd make it part of a wider conversation about sex. I'd makes sure my partner had the opportunity to raise things too. 'I'm so hurt that you obviously lied to me about loving oral sex when we got together' isnt going to create the same result as 'I've been enjoying thinking about the sex in our early days, feels like there was more focus on oral back then'

Are you the same poster who posted about this a few days ago? Considering leaving her partner because she didn’t believe he enjoyed giving her oral sex and she couldn’t imagine a life without it? If not, maybe you should give the thread a read. It might help?

My only logic for taking it off table is I know I won’t be getting it so won’t feel upset about not. However @PermanentTemporary i do agree with you that I am basically taking it off table permanently so know I won’t be giving a 6 month timeline. This is why I posted, I need advice and I am reading all the messages.