I feel like my fiance is putting me in an impossible position with communication. Am I just way off base here?

[AlertOP]

My fiance (38M) and I (35F) generally have a strong relationship and excellent communication. We did couples therapy after we first got engaged a few years ago which strengthened our relationship and communication a lot. I’m not really interested in “just break up” advice, please keep in mind what I’m presenting here is just one slice of our relationship.

We have been having this issue for a bit where when I bring up a conversation about something that bothers me, it goes completely sideways. We’re very respectful to each other, we don’t name call or yell, but these conversations seem to always end in both of us just feeling upset and misunderstood. I don’t bring these up super often, but I have noticed a trend.

We had another one of these conversations today where I wanted to bring up something that had rubbed me the wrong way in a previous conversation (he spoke to a coworker in a way that was very rude in front of me). Important context here is that my fiance has urged me since the beginning of our relationship to always tell him when something bothers me, and he gets upset if he finds out later that I didn’t discuss something with him when I was feeling it. So I try to bring things up.

I communicate as non violently as humanly possible. I use I feel statements, I acknowledge his perspective and intention, and I validate his experience.

He feels attacked every time. He gets defensive every time.

We finally had a meta conversation this past weekend about these discussions. He basically said that as long as I am telling him he did something “wrong” (I never use that language) he is always going to feel attacked and like I’m condemning him and therefore I should always expect him to get defensive.

I told him that this cycle makes me feel much less safe and willing to bring things up with him, which he wants me to do. He said that’s a problem for him in our relationship. I asked him to remember that I’m not attacking him and work on his defensiveness. He said that’s impossible. I said that’s a problem for me.

It’s like there’s no way out of this cycle. He wants me to bring things up and if I don’t, he’s upset, and if I do, he feels attacked.

I literally don’t know what else I could do in this situation. I have tried to adjust my verbiage at his request, but ultimately it boils down to no matter how I bring things up he is always going to feel like he’s being attacked. Is there something I’m missing here? This is not healthy right? I tried to explain to him that from my perspective we are always going to do things wrong unintentionally to each other and we need to be able to bring that up without the feeling of being attacked. He just doesn’t understand that.

Back to couples counseling with us I suspect.

@cheerfulaf With the co worker conversation I would’ve just said to my DP “you sounded like a right dick” and he could’ve disagreed or explained where he was coming from

Do people on MN really talk to their partners like that? I often see similar comments.

Mine would be out the door and our relationship would be finished - he's got too much self-respect to stand for that.

In my relationship yes, we tell each other that we’re being dicks-when we’re being dicks

In arguments we wouldn’t swear like that, it hits differently when things are heated. We also don’t shout at each other or interrupt each other in an argument

if that doesn’t work for you and your OH then absolutely that’s right for you, each to their own 😊

Your partner needs individual therapy to recognise his triggers, their origins and how to cope with his reactivity better. It’s all about getting a better self awareness and changing his thinking and behavioural patterns. If he’s not willing to do so you’ll have a miserable life with him. I suggest CBT, perhaps EMDR if there’s an element of early trauma.

His parents relationship will mirror yours.

If he felt his dad was attacked. He will feel it.

It does depend on what you brought up.

But my experience is that you need to figure out his parents first. And you may never change him.

I feel like you take his desire to know when things are bothering you as permission to correct him about every little thing that's isn't exactly as you think it should be instead of just letting things go unless they are actually a big deal. Your not his mum - why are you correcting how he spoke to someone else?

Does this happen a lot? Does he do a lot of things that bother you? Because not once, in almost 10 years, have I ever had to think carefully about what I say to my partner to avoid offending or upsetting him. Not once has he ever reacted to something I've said by getting angry or defensive. I'm not anxious about saying the wrong thing because there is no wrong thing. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells a lot of the time?