Red flag or mismatched sense of humour?

[Charlottedancer]

I have been in a relationship with someone which is becoming more serious. Last night in bed I was reading up comments/ reviews on a TV series I'm really enjoying at the minute. I casually mentioned what I was looking up and reading on my phone when he was chatting to me. He then scoffed and called me 'an imbecile'. Said how he'd never care about what anyone else thinks of a show and would be watching it regardless. I was really taken back at the name he called me, and also the strange impression he was implying. I said I was just looking to read up to see if anyone else thought some of the things I thought....I suppose I bit like this forum. Wanting opinions, reading chat about topics I'm interested in. I am really headstrong and do think for myself, I feel he was implying otherwise. So I was hurt and angry that he didn't seem to know me and also that he was putting me down snd laughing.

This may seem very trivial, but it stung and I'm very sensitive to watching for dickhead behaviour after a previous relationship. At the same time, I don't want the negative experiences to push anyone decent away now. I didn't get a chance to talk about it, other than say I was hurt, it was a weird thing to say and it was also an incorrect observation.

Couple of other possible amber flags. Talking about these is possible, however he usually stays firm in his opinion regardless, but hears me out. He says its just his humor.

When we get on, things are really good. I'm very confused.

Red flag.

Imbecile seems particularly vitriolic to me. I wouldn’t like or see any humour in it. That would be a no from me for this guy!

Absolutely a red flag

Nope. Hrs only speak to me like that once - I wouldn’t give him a second chance after that.

Im in my 50’s an no man has ever called me an imbecile. Its a horrible word and in no way ‘humour’ or ‘banter’

Plus the early amber flags are often ready to turn red once their feet under the table

Absolute red flag.

Arsehole and cheeky fxxker come to mind too.

Who the hell does he think he is thinking he can speak to you like that?

I would have told him where he could go and would have left.

You have a rude disrespectful arsehole on your hands and I think you know it too.

Dump.

Also “it’s just my humour” is basically any bullies way of making their shitty behaviour your fault by saying it’s you with no sense of humour. So basically it’s not his problem you’re offended.

Yep. Gaslighting 101 ‘I’m sorry you feel like that’ - blaming your reaction not their wanky behaviour

Imbecile? Nope, I would be out, especially at this stage, it will only get worse.

People who've experienced abuse tend to think they are more sensitive to it, but actually, although they can identify it, they talk themselves out of believing it, to be something and nothing because its not as overt in the early stages.
Unfortunately, making comparons to prior high level abuse diminishes what's in front of you, when really, the only acceptable level is none.

I had to look up the meaning - so if he thinks you are an imbecile why is he dating you?

I mean my relationship has a lot of humour and banter - douche is a favourite word here

dare I say it but does he even know what an imbecile is?!

He was telling you your opinion doesn't matter to him.. Get rid op.

Amber flags aren't a thing, they are red ones that have been ignored. There are only green or red.

It is reassuring to know it's not just me..we are in our early 40s....laughing at someone reading for interest seems very juvenile. For what it's worth, I think I have a great sense of humor, but this felt more about an intention to belittle me. I hate relationships that become competitive or jibby/ banter....its not me. I am just really into this TV programme and wanted to read more about it and reading people's reviews was like listening to someone chat about something I am interested in- it has lots of deeper themes going. It was like he showed a bit of a superiority complex and there was no need to even let me know how much better he is than me??? I may feel the ick coming on.

Is he verbally clumsy or does he usually mean what he says? My mouth tends to come out with shite I've not fully considered when I'm tired at the end of the day. I'd never accidentally call someone an imbecile though. Jesus.

This sort of thing is corrosive isn't it? I can remember most, if not all, of the awful things my ex-husband said to me. It meant that over time, I didn't see us as a team, and that's part of being in a good relationship, right? That they don't just casually laugh and call you an imbecile when you're chilling together.

I wouldn't give this one a second chance, I'd call it a day. This will be one of many. If he thought it was ok to say the first time, he'll think it's ok to say the tenth time. Surely being single forever would be better than having someone turn to you and call you stupid when you're relaxed and vulnerable chilling together. It's never, ever worth it.

You are feeling a need to defend yourself although you know that you’ve done nothing wrong or stupid. It sounds an uncomfortable relationship to say the least

He chats a lot, very opinionated. I don't think he's verbally clumsy, he sees it as teasing and I think fundamentally doesn't see the problem with this so will struggle to see this from my side, so i dont think its worth the hassle of a big chat- i think this behaviour is engrainesld. He may suit someone with more thicker skin than me.

Hey, it doesn't sound like your skin is particularly thin to me. You're not being sensitive here. He might as well have turned and called you a dickhead for having interests. He can piss off. You've not done anything wrong here.

It's interesting you say that....I've read about how low self esteem can make you have a subconscious negative opinion of your partner- you deep down don't think you are good enough, so the person you are with must either not know you well, or is stupid. Im not interested in saving anyone, over analysing anyone, etc but I do sometimes feel like I'm having to defend my intelligence to the person and I'm starting to loose my patience.

He's very opinionated, and only his opinion counts, apparently.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone with such fixed and intractable views as that. Nor the name-calling either. He respects neither your opinion nor your intellect. Maybe he sees it as 'teasing' or 'joking' but it ain't funny unless you're both laughing.

Talking about these is possible, however he usually stays firm in his opinion regardless, but hears me out. He says its just his humor.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks that anyone that holds a differing view to theirs is an imbecile.

Even if you were looking for opinions about a show to influence your own decision rather than discussing a topic of interest, that doesn't make you an imbecile (or any other word he might call you). For him to hold this opinion and say that to you is vile.

It's not humor. And if he can't realize that certain opinions and the things he says to people are offensive and won't ever change or concede his view, then he lacks emotional intelligence and has no regard for others.

He'd treat any future children you have the same, and they may end up like him if that's the model they grow up with.

Toss this one back. You deserve better.

oh dear, I got the ick for you when I saw your ages.

never mind you have enough flags soon for bunting...

He sounds very tedious, disrespectful and rude.

That he is in his 40's means this is absolutely who he is.

Only desperate women who want a project🙄would tolerate a twat like this.

Dump, preferably with NO explanation.

Update- I told him it was over as. It's really hard right now as it all wasn't bad and there feels like a void but better to have space to fill with joy now. Thank you all for your kind and wonderful advice.