Sister self-identifying as ASD is now identifying rest of family as ASD

[Kipsmum]

That's it, really. Two years ago my DS, in her late 50s, was divorced by my DBIL after 28 years of marriage. She's always been prickly and as she's aged I and my DB and DBIL have had to tiptoe around her more and more delicately. During the divorce process she went to a counsellor and since then has communicated with us in 'therapy speak'. Everything is about her, her feelings and her speaking her truth. My DB and I listened and nodded and tried to support her and we hoped she'd emerge the other side of therapy happier and easier to get along with.

Now she's sent us several massive WA messages to explain that she's done an online questionnaire and has diagnosed herself as ASD. She's started saying that both our parents were ASD and she also says my brother is ASD. She cites things like the fact that my parents were quiet people who only had a small social circle, as proof. She's said my dad had no friends and I gently reminded her that he belong to the bowling club and also the local cricket club and had friends from his allotment: they all came to his funeral. She's said the same of my mum and I've pointed out that Mum had a number of friends she was regularly in touch with and until she died had several holidays a year with those friends or her sister or other relatives. She also volunteered in a charity shop and did day one evening classes and made friends there. My sister is furious when I point these inconvenient facts out.

My DB is a quiet, family-orientated man like my father and DS says this is proof he's ASD, but DB's certainly not a black-and-white thinker and has no issues with communication and social skills, let alone the more obvious indications of ASD. DS has been angry with him because he's told her he thinks she's got this wrong.

We have no idea what to do or what to say. Unless we just nod and agree with her, DS gets very angry with us. If anyone has any idea of what's going on, please shine a light.

@Oreyt 😆 A strange list indeed

Seriously though, I think PP means waiting list

This is actually really horrible. You’re in touch with her ex husband and discussing her behind her back?

SO many autistic women are misdiagnosed with BPD, which is a controversial diagnosis (I personally don’t believe it exists. I believe it’s always trauma, undiagnosed autism, or both). If you look at the criteria for BPD, they’re describing autism in females quite well.

You seem determined to scapegoat your sister. I may be projecting here, but my own dsis doesn’t seem able to move on from scapegoating me, as that would shake her view of our family dynamics too much. Could that be the case here?

Right to Choose only in England, so depends where in the U.K. she is.

As people have said, it IS offensive to say “I don’t think that the people you count as your friends are actually your friends, you’ve misinterpreted politeness for friendliness and I know better despite never having met them. I think your hobbies are weird and obsessive. I think your introversion is pathological. You may disagree with all of that but you are wrong and I am right”.

It wouldn’t be rude to say “oh, do you have flu?” when somebody sneezes. It would be rude to insist somebody had flu when they are telling you it is hayfever.

It wouldn’t be rude to say “you know, I think I have autism and you also have a few similar traits. Have you ever considered having an assessment?” It is rude to insist somebody is definitely autistic and just deluding themselves when they are telling you that they don’t think they are.

My sister has self-diagnosed as Asperger’s- it makes her happy and doesn’t affect me, she might be right. She’s no less annoying for having a label attached. My niece has a diagnosis of ADHD and her father thinks this might also apply to me - interesting, but not particularly useful at my stage of life. Not sure why this upsets you so much? Just nod and smile

I'm pretty sure that"s what my brother would say.

So many of the autistic people I know talk of their diagnosis suddenly making sense of things they've struggled with over the years. When my DS first started saying DB and our parents were autistic I asked DB if he thought a professional ASD diagnosis would come as a relief to him. We talked about it several times. Neither of us have felt, consistently, that we didn't know the rules or that we didn't fit in. Both of us were luck to enjoy both the academic and social sides of university and find our way into interesting careers. Obviously occasionally we've felt like fish out of water, but I assume that's normal in new or challenging situations. Neither of us felt that having an ASD diagnosis would explain anything. As you say, it would just feel wrong.

It's the rewriting of history, and particularly her (I would say faulty) recollection of our life with our parents that irks and brings up feelings of protectiveness about my parents in particular, but also my brother.

This. Thank you.

You seem determined to scapegoat your sister. I may be projecting here,

You are. I've known my BIL for more than 20 years. Sad to admit, but I've always found him easier to get on with than DS. He's a decent, interesting man. He lived with DS for all those years. Of course he's allowed an opinion. He's still in touch with her, still cares about her, just can't be married to her any more.

If - and it is an 'if' - she has ASD: Another common trait would be a lack of empathy or understanding of other people's feelings and how they may be impacted by her words and deeds. So her perception and understanding of her own rudeness is likely to be limited. Makes it tough to address, I know, but that's where you are: There's huge opportunity for you to become frustrated and angry trying to fix things that won't change. It may be worth you encouraging her to seek help - that might give her some tools to learn how to deal with situations in ways less likely to negatively impact the people around her, but I'm afraid waiting lists for diagnosis and treatment can be quite scary atm

I appreciate that my son's case is different from the ones I was thinking of in my earlier posts, since he was very far indeed from being a 'normal healthy person'. I just wanted to indicate some of the arbitrariness that was apparent in my own encounter with the diagnostic experience. I tried to encourage him to value the diagnosis and use it as an opportunity for self-acceptance and therapeutic support, but I'm not sure that it ever resonated with him.

Yeah the problem is you cannot use ASD to mean autistic. Totally understand that people like to be referred to a certain way and agree we should all be respectful of it . In this event if people want to write it this way they need to use the word autistic. Using ASD is just wrong as it just makes zero sense.

Why can't she wait years for an NHS assessment? Presumably, she's not terminally ill and she'll still be around in a couple of years.

You're right, she's not ill, she's probably got at least another 20 years to go. To me, asking to be formally assessed and then waiting would be the obvious thing to do. But this is my sister and she has a long history of not doing what seems to others to be the obvious thing. I gave up questioning her decisions years ago.

Yesterday she messaged me to say that I could never understand what she'd been through and couldn't possibly empathise with her. True, obviously. She went on to say that all she wanted from me was emotional support but I'm not capable of that, all I offer is fake empathy. It doesn't feel fake to me: she's my sister, I love her, I can see she's struggling, I try my best to understand. I wasn't sure what to say in response, so I asked for 24 hours to reflect. Earlier this morning she messaged me saying she needs someone truly empathetic in the family to help her explore our family dynamics honestly and openly and I'm the only one — and also that I'm shit at it because of my adherence to my own view of our family...

The only thing I can think of is to have some joint therapy sessions together with an independent new therapist. I think I need a third party to manage things. I doubt she'll agree to it. She rarely agrees with anything I propose. It's all I can think of. Sorry, we've moved beyond the autism issue.

Oh gosh, thank you. I should have read your post before writing my previous post. Yes, the constant, unrelenting rudeness and dismissal of any other POV except her own has been a feature from adolescence but has become very dominant in the last five years. She says there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade, but she uses the spade to bludgeon DB and I, her exH and also our DM when she was alive.

You see the ND in us can often spot other ND people as we tend to run in packs.

I was thinking this as well.

This is so true, my experience as well.

Tell her to see her GP and ask to be referred for assessment. No-one can diagnose themselves with Autism as it presents differently in everyone. If she is then she can look into getting the right support and start to understand the condition and how it impacts her

This is very true.

There's a group of us who were friends from uni - the somewhat offbeat kind of eccentric people who didn't fit with the sporty groups or the social butterflies or the drinking lads. We've stayed in touch for nearly 30 years and surprise surprise most of us now have a diagnosis of ASD or ADHD or both.

We are drawn to eachother. It's like gaydar.

Well the thing is there is a strong genetic component. Both my DC are ADOS NHS diagnosed and this does make you look back on your own history, that of your DH and both sets of parents plus all siblings.

Especially where there is a history of eating disorders, tics, depression, anxiety, selective mutism and 'mental health' issues.

Yes, my sister does that too - we have completely different versions of our childhood. I deal with it by avoiding those subjects! We are in our late 60s, i just don’t engage any more

I have had a lot of ups and downs over the years of which my sister knows nothing about because I am very private. I thought it was down to bad luck. I've come to the realisation that a lot of my troubles are down to how I interact with the world. I actually fared better when I was younger because I was quiet, more compliant and masked to fit in but it was exhausting. Since I hit middle age it's all gone completely to pot.

It's difficult. The sister you see through you sibling lens is probably not the sister you think she is. You don't have to dedicate hours on end to her droning on but you can empathise with how she is feeling and encourage her to seek professional support and a diagnosis. All this talking about it is probably because she's felt shit for years and a lightbulb has gone off in her head.

All that applies to my sister. I'm very aware that there has been far more going on in her life than I know about.

I've tried, over the years, to tune in and listen carefully. She seemed for some years to have everything going for her, but she's never really been contented. I've listened and been rebuffed and offered the occasional suggestion and been shouted at... I'm older now and perhaps it sounds selfish, but I really strongly feel the need to have boundaries. I think recommending her to seek professional support is the way to go. Thank you.

Pretty much, We are all fed now the moto that if someone from your family or offspring is ND , even partially, you all must be. All of us can shut it down or do what we want with it, there is no law about such things. As long people obey the law and pay for their own bills, what it does even matter

Tell her you have cancer or another serious illness. If she questions how you know tell her you did an online assessment!! Hold a mirror up to her.

She may well be right about herself but this analysing of your parents is ridiculous. I think you just have to ignore it, there is nothing gained by arguing with her. She sounds very uneducated about neurodiversity.

You aren’t her therapist - I’d shut that down really quickly tbh. Something like “I’m sorry that you are struggling so much, and agree so don’t understand half of what you have been through. I really don’t think I’m the right person to help you work through our family dynamics - I just don’t have the right skills, and we risk making things worse rather than better. Are you seeing a therapist? A professional is likely to do a much better job of supporting you than I can, because I am out of my depth here”.

She will probably still take offence, but as long as you maintain “I’d love to help you but you deserve someone who knows what they are doing” you should avoid a major falling out.